Columns

Daily Mainichi News Wire – Sprague Dawley

Ivanka Trump Invites Nuremburg Barbie To Gitmo Black Ops Bukkake Shooting.

–USA Today–

Nuremburg Barbie has taken time out from her tequila-soaked defection in Mexico to make her way via underground tunnels to Gitmo with the express purpose of rendezvouzing with President Trump’s beautiful, beautiful daughter Ivanka Trump in order for the pair to take part in a highly classified US military black ops bukkake film shooting.

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Columns

Daily Mainichi News Wire – Sprague Dawley

Local Doctors’ Successful Petition For Wheelchair Access

–NY Times–

Noted black hole physicist and former GG Allin lyrical collaborator Dr Stephen Hawking has today filed a successful motion with his local elementary school’s PTA requiring the establishment to install wheelchair access and elevators so he can “roll in there like Ironside toting a motherfucking AK” and shoot the place to shit.

“I’m not saying I will,

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Columns

Daily Mainichi News Wire – Sprague Dawley

Local Despot Has Failed Family Crest Maker Melted Down And Sprayed Onto Failed Family Crest.

–NY Times–

A local despot, disappointed with a family crest that was lovingly hand-crafted for him over the course of the last 3 years, has had the craftsman responsible for the off-colour artwork melted down and sprayed directly onto the crest.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/trumpjr_zps3prnmzpr.png
“I ORDERED GOLD. NOT FUCKING YELLOW.”

“If I wanted fucking yellow I would have asked for fucking yellow” sneered the vicious despot.

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Columns

Daily Mainichi News Wire – Sprague Dawley

Local Ski Jumper Loses Track Of Time One Afternoon And Forgets To Report For Winter Olympics

–Times–

A local ski jumper reportedly “got a bit carried away at home with something or other” and completely forgot to report for the Winter Olympics. He had been selected to compete in the ski jump event. “Yes, I’d put my ski’s on, ready to go, and then started in on something else and completely lost track of the time I’m afraid”

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