Stories

The Kayfabe – William Bardot

Baldo Babikov broke Vicky Paine’s heart. Now her brother and me are going to give Baldo the smackdown for it. Randy would do anything for his sister. He’s my best friend, but he’d kill me in a heartbeat if Vicky asked him to. He’s outlined the inequalities of our friendship in perfect detail. It goes: Vicky > Pamela Anderson > Me. At least I come before his parents, but it’s non-fixed.

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Stories

Stephen Hopkins – William Bardot

Last summer my friend Pablo and me were riding the Metrorail to Gabriella Sophia Rodriguez’s Quinceañera when we got into another fistfight. Pablo had me in a full nelson and was slamming my face against one of the aluminum poles, waiting for me to say he was the master of the letter S, when some old Cubano in a white guayabera pulled him off me and said, “Oye, cool it!” I told him to cool it and Pablo shoved the guy and I took that opportunity to kick Pablo in the stomach and then we were back on the filthy floor punching at each other’s ribs.

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Stories

The Electric Jailhouse Acid Test – Ted Prokash

Another nice thing about my stay at the Napawaupee County jail was that I finally learned how to do acid properly. The opportunity arose quite by chance.

 

It was in the spring, some time after Tim, formerly a king of the Latin Kings of Chicago, had joined the team, a week or two after Josh Schlotzsky had taken his dressing down from big Dave. Josh survived the incident without any noticeable hit to his self-image.

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Stories

I Quit – Homeless

            “I quit,” The President said.
            “You quit?” The Vice President said.
            “I quit,” The President said again.
            “You can’t be serious?”
            The President, soon to be ex-President, took a bite out of his Big Mac, forcing shredded lettuce to fall from his mouth like beautiful greasy comets, or like small greasy people leaping from the burning building of his hungry mouth.
            The President was a large man and chewed accordingly,

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