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1   Non Lit / Re: Daily Mainichi News Wireon September 22, 2018, 04:35:43 PM

Started by Sprague Dawley - Last post by Sprague Dawley

Steve Hawking's Final Will Request

--Times--

Today it has been revealed that the late great Dr Steve Hawking slipped one final request into his Last Will & Testament, one that has shocked and alarmed the tenured faculty at Cambridge University.

"My final wish is that following my repatriation to the great black hole in the sky, my tenured chair of cosmology at Cambridge University should be passed on to my dear, dear friend 'Steve-o' of the TV show 'Jackass'. We also have the same first name so there's no need to change the name plate on the door. Steve-o will continue my research into black holes and quantum physics. Thanks."


--Newly tenured Cambridge professor emeritus and
inventor of the jellyfish sombrero, Dr Steve-o.


Dr Steve-o has today said he is proud to continue Mr Hawking's work. "Yeah, there are definitely some black holes in my head. I will research the shit out of those things. I will also start a new fraternity on the Cambridge campus. I'll call it 'Phi Kappa Delta Force Black Hole Black Death Black Metal Party. Wheelchair jellyfish sombrero races in the quad every lunchtime in honour of my dead little science buddy Steve. HELL YEAH!'

2   Non Lit / Re: Daily Mainichi News Wireon September 22, 2018, 04:32:32 PM

Started by Sprague Dawley - Last post by Sprague Dawley

Steve Hawking Says Poofs Could Die In Black Hole.

--NY Times--

Dr Steven Hawking has today made the stunning announcement that nonbinary identifying individuals could potentially be running the risk of being sucked into black holes.



Dr Hawking vocodered out via skype to his worldwide audience that "by not being restricted to two things or parts, nonbinary identifying individuals are therefore constructing themselves as being potentially comprised of infinite matter and are therefore potentially at risk of falling into a black hole. Also, that's how my motherfucking good buddy GG Allin died. By the way, I've been drinking all day and haven't proved this theoreoeom yet. Maybe if the poofs wore all black clothing like goths they could camouflage their nonbinary nature from the potential whirling vortex of black hole death. So wasted right now. I might start my own goth phase. Some arsehole make me a Sisters of Mercy mixtape <hic> ahh go fuck yerselves cunnn


"Check out the all black threads, motherfuckers. Thanks also to my fans for the sweet Death In June/Coil/Current 93 mixtapes. No fucken black holes for little Stevie Wonder here, peace out."

3   Non Lit / Re: Daily Mainichi News Wireon September 22, 2018, 04:28:31 PM

Started by Sprague Dawley - Last post by Sprague Dawley

Local Doctor's Successful Petition For Wheelchair Access

--NY Times--

Noted black hole physicist and former GG Allin lyrical collaborator Dr Stephen Hawking has today filed a successful motion with his local elementary school's PTA requiring the establishment to install wheelchair access and elevators so he can "roll in there like Ironside toting a motherfucking AK" and shoot the place to shit.

"I'm not saying I will, but if I wake up one day, and feel like shooting up my local school, then I want wheelchair and elevator access" vocodered out the decorated doctor. "I haven't quite thought through how my useless limbs will even pick up a Glock let alone shoot one yet but it's an equation I am currently working on. I'm calling it the black hole all over your face theory."


"I've got a 9 in my lap.
"To take care of that.
"Caps get peeled on the regular.
"Because niggaz try to get me for my cellular."

--Dr Hawking outside his local elementary school, yesterday.

4   Non Lit / Re: Daily Mainichi News Wireon September 22, 2018, 04:25:43 PM

Started by Sprague Dawley - Last post by Sprague Dawley

fahkin Steve-O hawking carking it rogered up the narrative

Local Artist To Go On College Speaking Tour

--NY Times--

With many prominent figures turning down speaking invites to US colleges due to the suffocating politically-correct ideologies of the delicate millenial snowflake student bodies, it comes as somewhat of a surprise that legendary deceased punk rocker Mr GG Allin has today announced a speaking tour of US colleges set to take place this year.

Mr Allin's open casket will be wheeled out before the student unions, and, due to Mr Allin's current corporeal incapacitation, his speaking part will be provided by his long-term lyricist Dr Stephen Hawking.

First stop will be Harvard University where Mr Allin will address the Harvard Student Union through his proxy Mr Hawking with a speech entitled "Hate Fukk Sick Faeces."


"Sexxx Tamponn Deth Hate Shart GAHHG."
--voiced by Mr Hawking on behalf of Mr Allin.

Mr Allin, who is now identified by the genderless pronoun of "they" after his tiny wanger rotted off in his casket, has even overseen the penning of a new song for the tour. The new track is entitled "I Am They." It will be sung by Mr Hawking to the tune of Neil Diamond's hit song "I Am I Said". (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhEaHcQgyLs)

Tea and biscuits will be served off Mr Allin's spotty soiled undergarments following the presentation.


5   Non Lit / Re: This week in personal historyon September 17, 2018, 11:52:39 PM

Started by EC - Last post by Sprague Dawley

i dunno about these fiction stories Manners, real life is much madder.

Some people have so much fucken money it'll shit you blind. Story today from woman doctor, back when they were in their teens her younger brother had a massive falling out with DV-happy Dad the rich-as-fuck CEO. "You can go to either Todai or Waseda, shithead." Basically, Harvard or Yale. Of course, kid flunks entrance test, and leaves home at 20. Hasn't spoken to dad since. Dad, no fucks given, said he'd pay tuition anyway, first born son and all that bollocks. Kid, who hates Dad, says fine and goes to private uni at 3 million yen a year..... and in a colossally epic fuck-you takes EIGHT years to graduate. 24 million yen, sayonara baby. Back then, in your seppo currency, that's US$240,000. And what job does the kid get upon graduation? A fucken bartender. $10 bucks an hour. Which he's been doign ever since. He's 50 now.

6   Non Lit / Re: Sportson September 15, 2018, 06:26:13 PM

Started by Sprague Dawley - Last post by Sprague Dawley

Rugby

The New Zealand Rugby Football All Blacks had won 56 of their previous 57 home Test matches GOING BACK FUCKING YEARS AND YEARS AND FUCKIGN YEARS. ALL THAT SHOT IN THE BRAINS LAST NIGHT. MAKE IT 56 OF THEIR PREVIOUS 58 HOME TESTS.

Barrett, J. IT'S NOT SOME SORT OF THOROUGHBRED BLOODLINE SUCCESSION CORONATION FUCKING LAP DANCE YOU C**T. TAKING A QUICK THROW LIKE THAT MIGHT WORK WHEN YOU RECKON YOURE THAT MUCH BETTER THAN THE OPPOSITION BUT WILLIE LE ROUX HAS OWNED YOU BIGTIME THERE, THIS ISNT SOME 4AM MACCAS SHITS AND GIGGLES YOU PIMPLY LITTLE SUPERSTAR DORK, GO SIT IN THE FUCKEN STANDS FOR A MONTH OR TWO, ENTITLED DICKHEAD
Barrett, B. THE CASUAL KICK SHANKING FFS, ON YOUR HOME GROUND, GO SIT ON THE END OF THE BENCH AND READ SOME MORE OF YOUR OWN FUCKEN PRESS WHY DONT YOU, OR FUCK OFF TO TOULON, I DONT FUCKING CARE, YOURE NO FUCKEN GOOD TO US IF YOU MISS 4 FUCKING PISSEASY KICKS ON YOUR HOME GROUND VERSUS THE FUCKEN BOKS. LEADERSHIP GROUP MY EXPLODED COCK FLANGE. YEAH GO SIT ON THE BENCH AND PRAY YOU'RE CONSIDERED FOR SOME FULLBACK IMPACT SUB ACTION ONCE THE INFINITELY BETTER BEN SMITH DEIGNS TO COME OFF AND FOR A WELL DESERVED REST. SPEAKING OF GARBAGE...
All The Forwards. HELLO 2007 QUARTER FINAL EXIT STATS. 81% POSSESSION ON THE BOKS GOALLINE VERSUS 14 MEN AND 612 PHASES TO MAKE 1 FUCKEN MILLIMETRE? WHERE'S THE FUCKEN DROPPIE CUNTS? WHEN HANSEN SAW THE WAITING POD OF KARL T, PAT T AND OFA I SPECIFICALLY SAW HIM TURN TO FOZZIE AND MOUTH 'FUCK ME WE'RE GONNA FUCKEN LOSE THIS. BECAUSE IF 3 AUCKLAND BLUES PLAYERS GATHER WITHIN A RADIUS OF 5 METRES IT'S BASIC PHYSICS THAT YOU INSTANTLY HAVE AN INESCAPABLE BERMUDA TRIANGLE OF CUNTS INTO WHICH THE HOPES AND DREAMS OF AN ENTIRE NATION WILL SUDDENLY VANISH AND DIE. I'M HALF OF A MIND TO BUY THE WHOLE BLUES FRANCHISE JUST TO SHOOT THE FUCKIGN THING INTO SPACE. MAYBE BIFF IT ON MUSK'S NEXT ROCKET TO FUCKING MARS. EVEN THE MARTIAN MICROBE XV MIGHT HOLD ONTO THE FUCKEN BALL MORE THAN OFA DOES. AND THOSE LITTLE MICROBE CUNTS DON'T EVEN HAVE FUCKEN ARMS OR LEGS'.
Perenara: YAWNING GREAT TRY LINE OPEN TO YOU AND YOU GOT RAN THE FUCK DOWN BY A BIG FAT FUCKING NUMBER EIGHT? DID YOU RAN OUT OF PUFF AFTER YOUR HAKA BOLLOX AND ALL THAT TIME PARKED ON THE BENCH HELPING DICK FRIZZLE NUT OUT THE FUCKEN WEEKEND CROSSWORD? 5 DOWN, 4 ACROSS, HONGI, SPELT F-U-C-K-Y-O-U.
Coach Hansen; TAKE YOUR GODDAMN EVER-SO-WISE-AND-SAGE ZEN GURU "LEARNINGS" BOLLOX AND POUND THEM RIGHT DOWN YOUR FUCKING ONE-EYE. JUST FUCKEN YELL AT SOMEONE PLEASE, FFS. YOUR LAST WORDS IN THE CHANGING SHEDS LAST NIGHT BETTER HAVE BEEN "OH, ONE LAST THING, RICHIE IS CURRENTLY EN ROUTE HERE IN HIS CHOPPER. HE SAID HE IS GOING TO CONFISCATE ALL LAST NIGHT'S TEST CAPS AND BURN THEM ON A CEREMONIAL FUCKING  PYRE. HE SAID HE IS THEN GOING TO USE HIS CHOPPER ROTORS TO DECAPITATE, IN HIS WORDS, 'THE CUNT IN THE 10 JERSEY'. RICHARD HUGH MCCAW DID NOT LEAD THE NATION TO 280 TEST MATCH WINS WITH A LOOSE BOLT IN HIS FOOT SO SOME PRECIOUS BACK CUNT COULD CASUALLY SHANK 4 PISS-EASY KICKS ON HIS HOME FUCKING GROUND VERSUS THE FUCKIGN BOKS.
Coach Foster: l0ll
Goodhue, J. YOUR PERFORMANCE WAS ACCEPTABLE, SORRY I HAVE CAPITALISED YOUR BIT, I WAS TOO ANGRY AT YOUR TEAMMATES TO UNLOCK CAPS

7   Non Lit / Re: All Purpose Music Discussionneon September 14, 2018, 05:39:40 PM

Started by Sprague Dawley - Last post by Sprague Dawley

Another Room Porn Intermission.

ffs


8   Non Lit / Re: Things Iíve learned are bullshiton September 14, 2018, 05:18:11 AM

Started by manuelmarrero - Last post by Sprague Dawley

Jobs: honestly, fuck Ďem. I used to think there was dignity and character-building involved, but thereís only so many mornings I can justify being a low-level functionary for bad idiots unfit to be my superiors on anything. With wages in the toilet as they are, itís tantamount to slavery, just utterly meaningless drudgery for people a lot dumber and luckier than you. If you can afford to stave off existential malaise some other way, all power to you.

you want to try working at a japanese uni where the tenured fake gaijin "professor", as he titles himself, spells "expat", in all seriousness, as "ex-patriot". Hardly the professorial look there buddy. Being a minion to a tenured Cap'n Thicky like that would drive you round the bend I imagine. Should be asking the ivory-towered gravy trainer to see me in my office. If I had one. The foreign no-hopers who washed up here first in the 80's and landed the tenured jobs by simple virtue of being the only white cunts on the whole damn island are the exact same clots outlined in your second sentence. Total shams. About as academic as my left nut. But they've learned to look the part in their learned tweed so the poor kids in their classes are none the wiser.

Yeah, jobs. Even though my scant few gigs at the moment are all piss-easy and stressfree and I dont mind going to them at all I still consider every single last one of them a thinly veiled insult. Hours out of my day ffs.

When I opened my record shop in NZ I knew I needed a good accountant, me having the business acumen of bitumen and all. So I got a top one and he felt sorry for poor old idiot me and gave me total mates rates and handed me off to his intern... but not before he gave me a 1 hour intro talk. FFS wish I had taped it. Was a total mind blower. The main things I can rememebr taking away from it were;

--there is no reason to "go to work" for some cunt and get paid the dogshit wage he decides to toss your way. Anyone with any money does no such thing. The money works for you. So D.I.Y. You go into business for yourself and then pay some other poor sap to do the shitwork while you keep all the fucken money. I used to think it was access to land that would get you ahead. Now I think it's access to your fellow man. Fuck him hard if you want to get ahead. Capitalism is inherently criminogenic.

--there is no reason to pay tax. any good accountant can get you off the hook for that with some creative and entirely legal chicanery. Family trusts, all that shit.

9   Non Lit / Re: All Purpose Music Discussionneon September 14, 2018, 04:47:12 AM

Started by Sprague Dawley - Last post by Sprague Dawley

Cheveu, Home Blitz, Human Eye, Pink Reason,
yeah got 7"s by these bands but none of em clicked enough for them to become "my" bands

loved the old amrep noise thing but weirdly Ballroom was just too noisy for this old git

10   Non Lit / Re: something wholesomeon September 13, 2018, 05:45:00 PM

Started by tedprokash - Last post by manuelmarrero

Just popping in to say I really like Manners writing style. Because it's illumating, sharp and intelligent but best of all it's uninhibited and unrestrained. "Give away as much of yourself as you dare" as some writey guy once said.

Inhibited writing? The "We Never Learn" punk book by the NEW BOMB TURKS guy comes to mind. He'll have so many sly digs at folks without ever coming out and laying out an actual fucking opinion so after a few dozen pages you're like "what the fuck dude, if you have something to say on a matter just fucking spit it out. This whole vague insinuation tack is denigrating to you as well as framing your arse as a needling ball-less please-everyone gossip. Not to mention being insulting to your readership."

Have noticed it so may times from Americans. They'll give the needle but never the full prick. From my very distant & clueless vantage point I would hazard a guess it's related to their gun culture where they're always treading on eggshells lest they lay it all out and, hello, get a cap popped in their cock for their troubles

Thanks, mate.

Spit the dick out, I always say. Havenít read the book. Never completely bowled over by the band. Sounds like the worst kind of circuitous, pseudo intellectual tripe. Iíll just take your word for it.

On the gun thing, accurate. In my state we have the stand your ground law which will hopefully be repealed soon when we vote in Gillum. Google that shit, itís fucking bananas. It basically says you can shoot someone over a parking space. Or in a movie theater in front of their girlfriend because they were talking too loud and threw popcorn at you. Both of these examples actually happened.
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