Author Topic: Daily Mainichi News Wire  (Read 2022 times)

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Sprague Dawley

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Daily Mainichi News Wire
« on: May 15, 2018, 01:58:47 AM »
Japanese Prince, Aged 11, Declares Himself “Ready” for Japan’s Throne

--Japan Times—

Japan’s Prince Hisahito, aged 11, and 3rd in line to the Japanese throne, has declared himself “ready” to be the next Emperor of Japan. “I’ve finished my homework and already had my first wank just last week. That means I’m ready for the Iron Throne. Plus I’ve seen all the nudie books down at 7-11. I know what the fuck I’m doing here.”


“If I fuck you up the arse is it still incest?”
--The Prince (centre) walking with his sisters.

“First order of business will be getting myself a big fucking samurai sword to behead all of my wanker siblings” continued the Prince, safely out of earshot of his 2 sisters. “Cutting out the competition is crucial to ensuring my reign is long and prosperous. After the public executions, next order of business will be to secure the last remaining Pokemon cards that I don’t already have. I’ll send some minion fuckhead serf door-to-door to make the required collections. After those 2 key strategic goals have been attained, the rest of my reign will be fairly straight-forward, my days mainly centred around fucking bitches and eating lollies.”


“Phew. That was awesome. The ol' in and out. Still not incest right? That was pretty much just like in the mags down at 7-11. Maybe even racier. Now then, let’s head home, I can’t wait to show you my big shiny samurai sword. It's just like my cock, that being, I’ve polished the fucken thing until it shines.”

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2018, 03:06:44 AM »
Japanese Prime Minister Enrols Own Wife In KGB

--Japan Times—

In somewhat of a surprise diplomatic manoeuvre, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has today enrolled his wife, Akie, in the KGB. "She will be a great asset to both of our nations", murmured Abe to Soviet Premiere Vladimir Putin.


"No, no, Vlad. Of course I haven't told her yet. I'll leave that to you."

"Whether it's indoctrinating the next generation of kindergarteners to right-wing fascist I mean to pinko communist ways, or working black ops in black sites, or mobilising the troops on the eastern front to resume the push through Manchuria, she will be your number one asset, Vlad." continued Abe. "Number fucking one. Spy shit? All that James Bond stuff? She could do that crap in her sleep. Just look at her. Not a goddamn man alive can tell when the bitch is lying" marveled Abe. "I don't even know what her real fucken name is. Evil lair chateau's, white dinner jackets still spotless after administering Martini and eggs benedict enema's to bad guys in guest room bathtubs, just prior to closing the deal with the silencered Luger, bring the Lada around the front Moneypenny, synchronized watches at 18:05, how many dead or alive?"

The Soviet Premiere seemed pleased with Abe's pitch and promised to immediately fast track Abe's wife directly into the KGB's most elite crack murder death squad.


"Keep it dowwwwn Vlad, she doesn't know yet
and the bitch can hear a pin drop from 50 yards."


« Last Edit: May 27, 2018, 04:10:36 AM by Sprague Dawley »
"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2018, 02:40:58 AM »
Japan: Late Shipment Of Grot Mags Results In Govt Commission of Enquiry

--Japan Times—

All Japanese government ministers have today been called before an irate House Senate Commission of Enquiry to answer queries as to why this week's nationwide shipment of grot mags arrived a whole 7 minutes late to some households.


"Mr Prime Minister, these documents are the backbone of the
 Japanese economy. Do you hate the Japanese economy, Mr
Prime Minister? DO YOU? ANSWER ME!"


"WHY can these crucial documents of national importance not be delivered on time?" pleaded Minister of All Grot Mags, Dr Edano. "WHY? The trains run on time SPECIFICALLY so We Japanese can get home in good time to have a tug to the newest edition of Junior High AKB Swimsuits. The trains do their part. And yet yesterday 8.2 billion subscribers arrived home distraught to find this month's new grot mag NOT in their mailbox. Reports indicate a good 18% of subcribers instantly offed themselves on the spot. Prime Minister Abe, why are you so keen on seeing the annihilation of the Japanese race through deprivation of Grot Mags? WHY? These full-colour illustrated documents are the staple sustenance for our entire beings, the wind beneath our wings, the reason we get out of bed in the morning, the lead in our pencils, the stiffy in our boxers, the cock in the back of some skank on the train twice a day, WHY Mr Prime Minister, WHY do you want to see the total nationwide dismantlement of all that we hold dear?"

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2018, 07:39:36 PM »
Game Of Hide-And-Seek At G-7 Summit Ends In Stalemate

--AP Press--

A friendly game of hide-and-seek between assembled world leaders at the latest G-7 meeting has ended in an acrimonious stalemate after the US President Mr Donald Trump insisted that the other world leaders could not actually see him even though he was sitting right in front of them at the time.


...no, no, you can't see me. And you can't prove you can see me. So I win the game. I am the President of The United States of America and my decision is final on this matter. I have won the game."

Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe sided with his stateside political ally and claimed he could not see the US President. "The other world leaders tell me President Trump is sitting right there in front of me but it is difficult for foreigners to be trusted in these matters." Trump went further by addressing German Chancellor Angela Merkel as "Himmler's mum" and told her "don't be butthurt at me just cos' you guys went 0 for 2 in the wars. This is just a small game compared to those 2 events. It's not like this loss makes you 0 and 3. Maybe 0 and 2 and a half."

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2018, 02:37:51 AM »
Trump Puts Migrant Children To Work Building His Wall.

--NY Times--

President Donald Trump has today stated that his Mexican border wall will be constructed by detained migrant children. "Some of those Mexican kids are fat as hell" said the President. "Let's face it, they could stand to lose a few pounds. Some construction work will do them good. Besides, little kids love playing with building blocks like lego and stuff. They can just think of the wall's giant concrete slabs as like big Lego building blocks. It'll be fun for them!"


"Heyyyy kids, who wants to play a fun game?"




"Put down those concrete blocks you shithead spics, you're all fired. We've found a cheaper source of labour."



"You kids, once you've finished building my wall please make sure you're on the OTHER side of the wall. Not this side. Other side. It's all part of the game. It's called, uhh, hide-and-get-out."


"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2018, 05:56:21 PM »
Japan's Crown Prince Awards ‘Bronze Medal’ To His Wife

--Japan Times--

Japan's crown prince Naruhito has awarded his wife of 25 years, the crown princess Masako, a bronze medal. "Medals are a very popular way of showing exactly where individuals stand in the order of things. So let's be frank. I get the gold, our daughter gets the silver and old mental Masako gets the bronze." beamed the 5-foot 2" monarch who is set to become Japan's next Emperor following his father's abdication from the throne in 2019.

"3rd place isn't bad for a mental" continued the crown prince. "At least she's a placegetter here in our family of three, hahaha. Also, she's 54 years old so the 'bronze' bit is my subtle little way of poking fun at her age. Like, 'she's so old she's from the Bronze Age', hahaha."


Masako's rope indicates she is in the process of yet another escape attempt from her
heavily-guarded fucken turret.


“Masako faces mental retard difficulties stemming from her fucked-up brain chemistry which the doctors tell me is the reason she is a nutjob" continued the 4-foot 8" crown prince. “On our 10th wedding anniversary I presented her with a diamond-encrusted straightjacket. So at least she could look a bit classy and sparkly while she is being a mental. They love shiny shit don't they? Think I read that somewhere. They're like starlings. Mental little starlings."

The crown princess responded with a pre-prepared statement which read as follows; “I would like to tender my cordial thanks to the crown prince as he has always been kind and has helped me since he forced me to fucken marry him which in turn made me become a mental."

As to what reciprocal gift royal protocol dictates Masako should give to the crown prince, the crown princess has said she may present her husband with "a shiny little tiny pair of shoes with massive fucken 5-inch platform heels so one day the 4-foot tall dwarf pygmy eunuch fuckwit can actually look me in the fucken eye."

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2018, 06:13:39 PM »
Elle Macpherson To Open Armpit Service Bay

--SMH--

Australian supermodel Elle "The Body" Macpherson is set to branch out from her highly successful Armpit Maintenance Web Blog and open up her very own Armpit Service Bay to be located in sunny downtown Wollongong, Australia.

"Yep, it'll be just like a mechanic's service bay" said the legendary supermodel over the phone. "You trundle in, we winch your arms up and we give you a thorough armpit servicing. We will offer a wide range of affordable options, from barnacle scraping to weed whacking to dog-semen oiling right up to a solid 5-minute armpit licking from one of our highly-qualified staff members."


"I'm sorry, what was that
second-to-last option you
just fucken said?"


"No, I'm not personally working in the armpit service bay you stupid fuckwit" barked Macpherson down the phoneline. "Like hell. You think I'm gonna spend all day foraging around some revolting bastards hairy fucking armpit, plucking out their armpit nits, disgusting little white grubs wriggling around in their bushy fucken underarm hair jungle? I'm Elle fucken Mcpherson you fuckwit, not Elle fucken McArmpitNitPicker. Dickhead."


"No, that's not the dog we
use for the semen oil, you
blind cunt. That's his mum."


"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2018, 02:54:45 AM »
Local Resident Wildly Horny For Postman

--Times--

A local resident has confessed to being wildly horny for her local postie.

"I get my hair done then put on my very best pearls in the hope he notices me" sighed the randy octagenarian pensioner. "My husband is mentally handicapped so he's utterly hopeless. Plus he's 97. The decrepit old git looks like he was mistakenly left out under a neighbouring planet's acid sun for about 60 years. Ugh. Phil, I think his name is. Really, at my age, one of my few remaining joys is the dashing young postman who comes by at about this time every day."


"He's fucking late today."

"Oh, the things I would do to that boy" continued the randy old biddy, her teeth now bared and her eyes shining fervently. "I'd take him out on a fox hunt, then 'accidentally' shoot Phil in the brains, then ravish the cherubic lad under the brambles. For heavens sake, I don't even care what mail the boy brings. Cash in envelopes, deeds to islands, MI6 UFO cover-ups, invitations to rubbish kindy openings, I just don't dashed well care. I just want that boy to take a lap on my rain-soaked Brands Hatch."


"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2018, 02:55:04 PM »
Nuremburg Barbie and Burrito Barbie To Square Off In WWF Grudge Match

--NY Times--

Nuremburg Barbie and Burrito Barbie have agreed to meet in a pay-per-view WWF wrestling match. The president's advisor versus the children's concentration camp commandant. No holds barred. The pair have never met before in a professional wrestling match.

"I am going to fuck that nazi kiddie gitmo bitch up" yelled Nuremburg Barbie from her training camp in, ironically, Tijuana, Mexico where she now resides having defected from the U.S last year. "That predator-chinned swamp slag is going downnnnnn" retorted Burrito Barbie from behind her press pulpit at the White House.


Burrito Barbie on the left and Nuremburg Barbie on the right;



...and in their wrestling garb in
this press release photograph:



"After I fuck all of her shit up I will have her extradited from Mexico and incarcerated in my spic kiddie gitmo with all the other wetback dwarves" proclaimed Burrito Barbie. "My patented reverse flying suplex tortilla wrap manoeuvre will leave her in a motherfucking wheelchair. By the way, there is NO wheelchair access at my kiddie gitmo so she can sit outside in the rain crying with the other tardranching spics."

"I will bite the hair right off her fucking head" announced Nurermburg Barbie. "Then I will send the blonde locks in an envelope to Big Donnie for his latest silky-smooth pube fracking upgrade. Silky smooth, Big Donnie, silky fucking smooth."

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2018, 05:02:01 AM »
Local Man Misinterprets New Wifebeating Legislation

--NZ Herald--

A local New Zealand man has completely misinterpreted the nations new government legislature that allows up to 10 days paid domestic-violence leave.

"I thought domestic-violence leave meant the cunts at work were gonna pay me to go home and bash the old lady up" said the local idiot. "Didn't really want to smack her around so I went home and just belted the walls a few times, in case the neighbours were listening. Wouldn't want them to think I was skiving off work, without actually doing any of the paid domestic-violence thing."


"Bugger me, paid DV, not as easy as it sounds."

According to the parliamentary bill, the world-first legislation was actually designed to grant victims of domestic violence 10 days paid leave to allow them to leave their partners, find new homes and protect themselves and their children.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/jul/26/new-zealand-paid-domestic-violence-leave-jan-logie

"Don't know if I'll take my full 10 days allocation" continued the drongo. "Gets a bit tedious belting pots and thumping tables and biffing shit around the kitchen to fake the DV while wife is trying to watch the soapies. Bugger me, tick her off too much during her soapies and the stroppy slag might even get up off her arse and go out and get a fucken job herself, just so she can then take her 10 days paid domestic-violence leave and come home to beat the fucken shit out of me."
"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2018, 03:23:54 PM »
Facebook Data Hack Reveals "Wollongong, Australia" As Earth's Wanking Epicentre.

--SMH—

Recent data hacks from Facebook have revealed that the epicentre of online porn consumption can be traced to a small house in Wollongong, Australia. "Yeah a bloke called Gene-o has pulled it at a bloody alarming rate since the first fucken day we started collecting stats" confided a Facebook data analyst. "Octopus bukkake, tranny grannies, donkey incest, bugger me there's basically nothing the bloke hasn't fucken tugged it to."


"You left out the amputee shit."
--Gene-o of Wollongong.

"Some other inhabitants of the house are also in our red zone" continued the analyst. "One individual named 'Trevor' is actually onto his third dick. He wore out the other two. Our data indicates he has perused no less than 812,922,001 video clips in the last 10 years specifically related to rooting car exhaust pipes. He is fucked in the head."


"This new one is some NASA shit, mate. Fucken silicon fibre."
--Mr Trevor of Wollongong

"However the most alarming statistic comes from, quite incredibly, yet another individual residing in the very same house, a Mr Wayne Gunston. He has only viewed the one video clip in the last 10 years of facebook records, however, he has viewed the one clip, which runs for 22 seconds, a chart-topping 2,902,399 times and counting. It is some sort of public dunny rooting clip where a bloke gets a urinal cake jammed up his bumcrack by some old lady. This drives Wayne wild. Sends him into the throes of sexual ecstasy. It's all he watches. He is a fucking lunatic."


"Might sign up for this facebook shit. Could do with a new vid."
--Wayne.

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2018, 07:11:28 PM »
Local Woman Blames Self For Own Boobs Hating Her

--USA Today—

A local woman has confessed that it's her fault that her very own boobs hate her. "They hate me" confided the tearful local woman. "I just know it. They're trying to get away from me. Sagging down, down, ever further down. I have to prop them up with wire-latticed dirigibles. Which they probably hate me for too. They just want to be free. Free to garner all the attention they know they deserve. Yet here I am, trussing them up, hiding the bottom halves of them away for half the day. I would hate me too. I do hate me. It's a vicious cycle of boobs-hate-me/self-hate/hate-self-for-boob self-hate. I'm confused. I need a lie down."



« Last Edit: August 19, 2018, 07:14:03 PM by Sprague Dawley »
"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2018, 01:27:16 AM »
Japan With "Surprise Call" At Japan/China Summit

--Japan Today--

Japan have sprung something of a diplomatic surprise at this week's Japan/China summit by abruptly abducting and murdering the Chinese Premier, Mr Lee Ving.


"This is the car boot you should climb into right now Mr Ving, if you wish to see your family alive again."

When queried about Japan's ransom demands immediately following the abduction, Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe (pictured above, pink tie) said "there is no ransom demand. We just hate the chinks. So we killed this one. One less of them, who cares, there's a billion more of the cross-eyed little fuckwits anyway. Don't worry, Ving's family are fine. Ving though, not so good. Bit wet I imagine. Still locked in the boot of the Prius which is now located on the bottom of the ocean floor in Tokyo Bay. Look, it was just a spur of the moment thing. I'm impulsive like that. Decisive. I make the big calls. And I just felt it was the right time to kill the Chinese Premier today. No biggie."

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #13 on: August 26, 2018, 05:15:40 AM »
Japanese Parliamentary Summer Bukkake Festa Kicks Off

--Japan Today--

The Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe today kicked off the 217th Annual Japanese Parliamentary Summer Bukkake Festa in fine style with the traditional cracking of the cucumber.


The ceremonial snapping of the cucumber, an occasion that has
signified the start of the Japanese Parliamentary Summer Bukkake
Festa since 1783, coincidentally, the year of the Ming Cunt Invasion.


"Oh my God his hands are so strong" swooned this years Bukkake Guest Starlet, Yuko Todai, Japan's Minister for Recreational Train Bondage. "He snapped the cucumber in half like it was nothing!"
"Yes, you're in good hands" murmured a proud Abe. "And once the entire cabinet repairs to behind closed doors, in the air-conditioned comfort of the ancient and hallowed Bukkake Chamber, half of this cucumber is going right up your shitter."
"What about the other half?"
"Makeshift ballgag to stifle your screams."
"Oh"
"The cucumber signifies, of course, the cock" continued Abe, completely unaware of the single tear now stealing down Todai's cheek. "The cracking of the phallic likeness to initiate proceedings signifies the staple tenet of the Japanese way of life, the belittlement of women, the bending and breaking of their collective will, which we focus on with libidinous myopia as the 3-day Bukkake Festa unravels. To cut a long story short, this entire basket of vegetables is going right up your clacka. Including those huge hoary great fucken big green things over there. So stop crying, pop the top, and say hello to some Japanese agriculture."

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #14 on: August 30, 2018, 03:58:44 PM »
English Rugby Union Schedule Seminars On "Replying To Sick Burns."

--Times--

After an England Under-20 rugby player suffered verbal abuse from an Under-20 Springbok with a "that is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock" barb, the senior England rugby team have interrupted their massive gym-pony sessions at their palatial multi-million pound squid training estate to schedule some seminars on "How To Answer Sick Burns".


England rugby HQ.

"Look, you pudgy snowflake petal cunts. Point one; ALWAYS take the lowest rung in order to undermine your burner, to out-sick them. First to the bottom wins. Always. Now, let's break off into pairs for some role play."

"That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock."
"Her mouth opens way wider than that."

"That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock."
"What, like a big fat white-power nazi? Crossing the line there, buddy."

"That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock."
"Why are you telling me this, I was right there last night taking polaroids of us all, you Alzheimers cunt."

"That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock."
"She'll have a wider foot plant than that, what with my dick up her arse and all."

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut