Author Topic: A Star is Remembered  (Read 49 times)

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tedprokash

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A Star is Remembered
« on: December 04, 2018, 08:52:49 PM »
OK. Craiggy was a legend in Napawaupee. He stood about 4'6" full grown. He was on the state baseball championship team of 1983. He was my brother's classmate. Coach would bat him lead off, instructing him to crouch down low and not swing. He would walk and then the coach would pinch run for him. Not a word of this is made up. Although technically he quit the team before the playoffs, just stopped showing up. My mom (and this was somewhat corroborated by my brother) contends this was due some bullying by the team's star player, whom I knew slightly and I must say it would not surprise me as he was the typical 1983-type jock douche bag and had a voice like a fog horn. He was drafted by the Brewers as a pitcher but never made it past single A. Ended up being a heavy drinker and local slow-pitch softball star before moving away and becoming an insurance salesman or something.

My first encounter of note with Craiggy was at the park. I was probably 10 or 11.  This was a simpler time, young friends (not you Dawley, you're probably fucken older than me even!) when kids were left to knock about the neighborhood of their own volition. Craiggy, must have been in his early 20s, helped out with the summer park program - basically organizing baseball games with the kids or, more likely, spinning basketballs on his stubby fingers to impress whatever chicks were hanging around. (Spinning basketballs was Craig's FIRST famous talent) I took it into my head to clown some mentally-defective kid on the basketball court. Classless behavior of which I am not proud. Well before I saw him, I felt Craiggy's size 5 in my 10-yo anal cavity. Craiggy gave me, quite literally, what I needed most at the time - a good kick in the ass.

Craig drove a red Pontiac Fiero with blocks on the pedals. Craig, like any good American, like to drink. One night he famously fell asleep at the wheel at a main intersection in town. The cops found him there, at the stop sign with his engine running and (for some reason) his driver's side door hanging open. When they woke him up, he took off running. I don't think he got very far.

Craig was fucking WELL-MUSCLED. He did a little midget wrestling here and there. He attended a WWF wrestling event with my brother at Brown County Arena and they got in the front row. Craig fearlessly taunted any wrestler that got close, famously ripping off his shirt and telling Hacksaw Jim Duggan, "you aint shit!", to which Hacksaw cleverly replied "at least I'm tall". In his early 30s Craig went off to California to be a Gold's Gym body builder. He ended up working in the porn business. We in Napawaupee were left with Craig's dad, who was normal-sized but disabled, rolling around town drunkenly on his scooter and his mom, a little person, most famous for scrambling around town homecoming week and frugally picking up toilet paper off of people's yards for her own use. [note for Dawley who is FUCKEN FOREIGN: on homecoming the kiddies decorate the town with shit paper. It's tradition.]

Craiggy acted under the stage name Napoleon. He was in a bunch of films including A Little Irresistible (where he made the cover, starring in a sweet Robert Palmer parody) and A Little Christmas Tail (where he spawned the unforgettable catchphrase, "do whack-a do whack-a do whack-a do"). Though he confided that much of the time he just worked in the warehouse stocking tapes.

He triumphantly returned to Napawaupee with an actual film crew from the BBC who were doing a documentary on... abnormal porn stars? I never actually saw this documentary but Craiggy was living the high life on that return trip.

Times got tougher out in LA. Craig ended up in some web cam freak sex house with an amputee and a bearded lady or some shit. Before long he was broke and back in Wisconsin, living with his mom. And downhill from there. Hence the mugshot.

But I won't get into the whole tragic fall. I prefer to remember Craig in his earlier glory - baseball champ, defender of the marginalized, world-class body builder and lover of beautiful women. The Little Man With the Big Stick.

Sprague Dawley

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Re: A Star is Remembered
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2018, 02:07:36 AM »
Poor little fella. Him and his massive donger.

So "Homecoming" is when all seppos must report back to their hometown to be greeted with bogroll being chucked at them. Well gee fuck, why did I ever leave.
"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

tedprokash

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Re: A Star is Remembered
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2018, 08:13:22 PM »
They wouldn't have you Dawley, not in New Zealand. Or Australia. Or wherever. Also, I found out what "seppo" means. Yeah... so Watch It!

Sprague Dawley

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Re: A Star is Remembered
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2018, 08:34:31 PM »
If I go back to Onehunga and some cunt yells "welcome back, fuckhead" at me, while biffing dunny roll at me, at least now I will have an international cultural understanding of this interaction. "Welcome to Onehunga, my seppo cuntface" I will reply diplomatically

Although still unsure of proper seppoesque response to this Homecoming bogroll biffing.
"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

Hoog

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Re: A Star is Remembered
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2018, 09:17:10 AM »
What were some of the porn titles he starred in?
[img]data:image/jpeg;base64,/9j/4AAQSkZJRgABAQAAAQABAAD/2wCEAAkGBxMTEhUTExMWFhUXGB0bGRgYGB4fGxgeGx8YGh0aIBobHSggGyAlHRoaITEhJikrLi4uHx8zODMtNygtLisBCgoKDg0OGxAQGy0lICYvLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLS0tLf/AABEIAL8BBwMBIgACEQEDEQH/xAAbAAACAwEBAQAAAAAAAAAAAAAEBQIDBgEAB//E

 

anything