An Unwanted Weighted Emptiness (May God Grant Me a Beautiful Death. May He Make a Blessed Martyr Out of Me) – Hestia N/A

September 28, 2020

“Marked By Your Touch”

 

Fields of golden calligraphy suspended in space
Divinity’s endless realm of pure beauty made physical
Endlessly shifting, forever swaying
Losing myself in the dance of letters
Hours pass
Only to wake from my restless dreams
The divine burned into my skull
Scars of the hallucinationary
Only in dreams can I enter this realm
When awake I’m just another soul trapped in moldy and mundane purgatory

 

“Cut Holes in My Bones, Make My Soul Beautiful”

 

Everyday I think of Him
I want his approval
I want to be true to him in every way
He is my rock
My love of Him protects me from the schizophrenic devils who entrap me
In my restless nights he shows me beauty beyond comprehension
My walls dissolve into golden calligraphy dancing in fields of white light
I feel the warm glowing love of the divine and rest my sorry eyes
My heart may be a shattered broken mess
Tossed to the seven winds
Only fragments left
Damned and screaming as they cling onto me
Nails driven in
I never asked to develop the toxic mixture of a curse and blessing that holds my mind in its grasp
I never asked to see one eyed angels drive knives into me, scrawling sigils into the fabric of my being
I never dreamed I’d see 3 eyed, 10 armed devils rip me into little more than bloodied dust
Yet I do
I’ll never again be free
All I have left is submission to God
A submission that keeps the worst at bay
When I pray the hallucinations end, delusions are dispelled, and paranoia is made obsolete
God will never forsake me, I will never forsake him
I hope I will enter the endless Kingdom of Heaven
Then all my pain will end
The oily stains of trauma, neglect and sin will evaporate off my soul like the morning dew
May he make a martyr of me

 

“The Blood On Us is Sin”

 

Oh how man, in his ignorance forgets his humble beginnings
When man and beast lived harmoniously under God’s watchful gaze
When no sin was known
When man knew only solace and bliss
Yet all this he threw away
He rejected God and consumed that long forbidden fruit
He cast himself down
Beast and man were forced into hostile camps
Man had cursed himself into sin
Oh yonder Babylon Oh yonder Egypt
How they treated God’s people millennia after the collapse of The Tower of Babel
Oh how yonder Rome furthermore rejected and abused those of God just as all empires before had
Lord, forgive me for I am but a sinner humbled by your everlasting mercy and love
Damned be the serpent for its part in making man curse itself
May the End Days come soon

 

 

“You Turned Me Inside Out Into a Tomb”

 

You didn’t give me a reason
You didn’t give me a warning
You just disappeared one day
Leaving me with nothing where a heart had been
Pilgrimages into romance since have been marked by the aching, empty weight in my chest
A absence that never leaves
I’ve been trying to fill it
Drugs, sex, other loves, self-harm, faith
Nothing has fully worked
Maybe the newborn blackhole is too young to satisfy
Maybe I’ll never be free of you
I wish I never knew you
But I’m stuck with these parts of you
These sigils of my time with you etched deep in my bones
I want a new cortex to hold my heart in
I’ll get all the shrapnel out someday hopefully

 

“Let Go of My Heart, I Need it for New People”

 

Leaving me how you did
Has made loving others so much harder
Why did everything have to be turned into falsehoods by you
I wish I could ask you
But I’d rather be here than anywhere with you
I hate you
I miss you
Part of me still loves you
I’m with better people now
I burned the things you left behind with me
I can’t tell those I love, all the ways in which I love them because of you
Hello me?
Am I in me or did you steal me away
Did you send me drifting in the fall winds that followed in the wake of your stride?
This weight is going to be with me for years isn’t it?

 

“Don’t Worry I’ll Exile Myself”

 

PTSD flashbacks are like elephants trampling your brain
Giving ghosts of the past free reign over my soul
Innocence strip searched
Suffering from a full cavity rape
Sing songs of sorrow to process it all
Remembering little fragments that break my mind like an egg dropped to the floor
Where are you?
You who claims they want to help me recover
What happened to fixing me up?
Guess it was too much for you just like everyone else
Another person who left me emptier than I was
Way back then when we first fell in love
You said you would share my baggage with me
Guess that was said in naivety
Said in those heady days of when one first falls in love
Its ok I’d leave me behind too if I could