As Someone From Siberia – Mikhail Krylov
November 2, 2025
“As someone from Siberia”__“Am I supposed to cry when I say this? Like what direction do I take a line like that? Who wrote this fucked up story? Because there’s not even a perverted uncle.”
“Can you just shut the fuck up and say the fucking line–you know, you would probably get laid more if you just shut the fuck up.”
“As someone from Siberia, I really enjoy strippers. I make friends with strippers. I don’t know how normal that is because I left my orphan manual at the orphanage.”
“Could you read the other prompt now please?”
“As someone from Siberia, I like alcohol like my strippers, sophisticated. Sometimes we would talk shit about all the cheap guys. Other times we would just eat at the Denny’s.”__“This makes it sound like I had a relationship with the stripper.”
“I don’t know man. I didn’t read the newspaper article.”
“I’m doing a commercial for a newspaper article about being in a relationship with a stripper? Did I sell cocaine or any other cool stuff?”
“No. I believe this dude was accused of murder but never convicted. It’s a wild story.”
“I thought you said you didn’t read the article?”
“I didn’t read the article but I know the fucking story. Apparently doing cocaine with strippers is a bad idea in the club. They get all jealous and try to murder each other.”
“I should have gone to college.”
“Where did you go instead?”
“Bartending school!”
Ж
“Sierra was an angel—until you got some vodka in her. Then she became a nightmare. She had on more than one occasion started stealing sprees.
“The guards looked bored, just standing there,” was her reasoning…In case you didn’t know, the security guards inside the store are just there for rich spoiled girls who don’t give shit about failing to break into a fairly strong glass container with their Louis Vuitton purse. The staff of the establishment was tipped accordingly.”
“You tipped the staff of the place she tried to rob?”
“We ended up buying something for the emotional stress caused.”
“Did you say you did that multiple times?
“I did. I was finally able to get her a boyfriend.”
“You weren’t the boyfriend?”
“I was the butler. But unfortunately the boyfriend was a bad idea because she started to convince him of doing stupid things. Like trying to steal puppies from establishments. I had to bail him out twice for that. The parrot couldn’t actually fly so he actually brought it back to the store and paid for it. Who says there’s no honor among thieves?”
“Well, that explains a lot about you, Yuri. I’m sorry you weren’t able to work at the Walmart and get french fries thrown at you while on the sidewalk.”
“I had a thing with a stripper once. It wasn’t planned, in that I wasn’t planning on making it a thing.”
Ж
Notes From a Luxury Hotel Worker
Even if I wanted to tell you. I couldn’t. It’s one of the only moral guides I seem to follow. Kinda like I don’t talk about how my ex-girlfriend tried to stab me with a knife and now her twin sister follows me on social media because apparently it becomes funnier over time. I once got proposed into a “ tease my wife a bit” situation which I had to politely turn down. You never mix pleasure with business. That is what the strip club is for at the end of the shift. And me and Hazel have a mutual understanding of what you are each selling. And I actually enjoy fucking her.
Ж
Normally I leave most people alone when I’m in public but every once in a while I will catch a look that I can’t ignore. A look that says; It was just a look, how much trouble could it possibly lead to? Janis Joplin’s “Mercedes Benz” was playing in the cafe and I took that as a sign of the cosmos telling me that maybe I didn’t need to write with the normal amount of intensity. Which is always at a Great Gatsby level. We’ll just do a Fifty Shades level of writing which equals out to a bunch of “pretend” writing and really just turns out to be a bunch of scribbling that may look cool enough today to get this barista’s attention.
I hadn’t actually bought anything from the barista, I just sat down to eat a turkey and cheddar sandwich in her cafe. The cafe was on the ground floor of an opera house that threw galas on the different floors of the Opera House on the weekends. I noticed there were three security cameras in the small place.
“Why is there a security camera pointed at me while I drink my coffee and write?” I ask her as she is sweeping the floor next to me. “Is the cafe worried that they won’t get their fame for my writing? Or do you have a lot of drug deals than happen here?”
“Maybe we just like watching you,” she says with a smile. “I hope you can handle the pressure?”
“Funny! It must be the season of the witch!”
I kept going into the cafe where we would repeat more witty dialogue about why they seemed to have more security cameras than necessary in a small cafe that also sold muffins.
“Do you think the owners sell the footage?” I asked once.
“I think it’s just a security thing. Peace of mind, if you will.”
Who wouldn’t feel safe with her around?
“Do you know anything about the parties that happen on the weekends here?” She smiles at the question.
“Is it where the civilized go to be disobedient? Is what I’ve heard.” Her tone was lower and more seductive.
It was a dark morning where even twilight fought for attention when I entered the cafe.
“Come back for more attention?” I could tell by her tone she might actually enjoy my banter this morning.
“Yes, I just thought there would be more of an audience. Did you give the inventions out?” I ordered coffee and began my attempt at writing.
She walked up to me and looked down at me as though this was the only time she got a free look without making her lust seem creepy. She places a small card on the table.
“Here’s your invitation. Remember even the civilized crave disobedience.”
I didn’t break eye contact with her.
“I look forward to it!” I said as I tried to hide my excitement.
I thought I immediately saw her days later at the gala but I couldn’t be entirely sure because all the females were wearing Phantom of the Opera masks and the men were only required to wear black hoodies making gazing at people difficult. They played music just loud enough that you wouldn’t be able to comfortably talk to someone. After about half an hour of invested searching, I finally made eye contact with her again in this large crowd and I could tell she recognized me by the look in her eyes. There we were now, somehow back to back to each other. Her ass was touching mine. I could tell she’s leaning a bit into me and I’m 50-50 on whether I should try to caress her but before I could finish the thought, I found my hand on her ass for a small moment. I could feel the initial shock. I do it again real quick so she knew it was done on purpose. I let my hands linger longer but this time she slowly put her fingers in between mine the second time around and caressed my hand. We were basically finger fucking each other’s actual fingers. When she gave me a fucking scratch of her nails. I didn’t react and I liked that she did it. We played this game a few moments before we each stepped away from our positions but as I made a step forward I felt her firm hold take onto my forearm stopping me in my place. She took me in a dark alley in the lower section of the opera house into a crevasse that if she hadn’t personally walked me into, I would never know existed.
We continued to caress each other and her smell was intoxicating. All I wanted to do was put my hands down her pants and feel how wet she was. The softness of her skin was the last thing I thought about before we were both down each other’s throats. She made the first move and shoved her hand down my pants grabbing my cock like she was hunting it. Our moans became heavier and I had to put my hand over her mouth out of fear she might get louder. She didn’t seem to like that and violently pulled my cock out and began sucking it. All I could think about was how wet she was going to be. When I was finally able to get her off me for a moment, I took her panties off for the ultimate pleasure. I started with my fingers but quickly moved in with my mouth. Her moaning got to the point that I didn’t care. With this much pleasure being made, it wouldn’t be hard to start an orgy.
Then she said those two magical words; “I’m cumming!”
“Look at me,” I said as I begged. Looking into a woman’s eyes while she orgasms is dangerous business and even I feel guilty about being allowed the opportunity. We both got dressed and she gave me another kiss.
We didn’t exchange words but we both laid down in that corner cuddling each other in silence. Listening to each other breathe when I finally broke the silence.
“Show me something you are afraid of?” I asked. “Show me where the civilized people are?”
She didn’t say anything but she got up and gave me her hand. As she walked me down a corridor. This is what we should have been doing during COVID-19, fighting for our own mortality in the open. Not hiding behind silicon buying into Snake Oil. She pulled out a card that opened a locked door.
“No talking.” She gives a caress to my forearm that gives me a sense of comfort. But fear immediately gave way to that. The space was dark and all I could hear was our footsteps…Her grasp on me became tighter as I became more nervous. Then I heard it. The sound of a bell. I immediately moved my head in the direction of the sound. Then I heard a woman laughing.
“How stupid is this guy?” a female said.
“Why would he follow her. This guy is gonna piss himself,” a different female said.
“Welcome to disobedience, bitch.”
Suddenly a woman came from nowhere and scratched me with nails but before I could focus on that pain I had already been scratched again. There were now more people laughing. Suddenly the barista grabbed my neck and looked straight at me.
“I would be scared if I was you!”
“Don’t tell me what to do, I’m a Republican.”
Ж
“Omg…Is it Aritza?”__“My jokes have had a varying degree of success. Sometimes I find it best to just keep my mouth shut half the time.”
“I think you should do stand up comedy. ”
“I’ve attempted it…But it’s very difficult to be truly funny in a three minute space. Some people can’t even have sex that long. They are known as three minute chumps.”
“For some who actively read, don’t you think I would have found a book about how to be funny at this point?”
“I’ve been getting into key lime pie and spam. I think this is a mid-life crisis development but I really don’t know. I left the manual at the orphanage.”
“Here’s the key to being funny; mental illness and loneliness. So if you are not one of those two things__don’t try.”
“I bet you get asked to do a lot of public speaking events.”
“Usually just memorials__for children.”
Ж
“Black Betty” by Ram Jam was playing in the background as I came off the stage.
Lux and Jack are standing next to each other in front of the bar.
“Buy me a beer.”
“What if you are allergic?”
“I’m not.”
“What are you going to buy me then?”
“I don’t know but if you don’t buy me a beer, I can’t suck your dick.”
“That’s fine. It’s small anyway.”
“Are you trying to be lonely?”
“Why? Am I trying too hard?”
“You are just doing a bad job at it.”
“How would you know? You don’t even have a beer in your hand.”
Clearly fed up with the conversation. Lux hits me in the crouch. There was a saying my favorite history teacher said to me before he abandoned me for, I shit you not; “The US Army”__ “Mind over matter, if you don’t mind, it won’t matter,” which I am now begging my mind to remember and act like it didn’t hurt.
“You can consider that our first fight.”
“I thought that was an adorable love tap. I hope it doesn’t give me testicular cancer.”
“Believe me, your face is the only thing worth spreading about you.”
“I like to think I’m funny.”
“You’re not.”
“Imagine what else I could do with my mouth?”
She attempts to strike my crotch again but I instinctively swallow her hand in with my palm this time.
“If I buy you a beer will you stop trying to hit me?” She is going to feel bad when I tell her I’m from an orphanage and that I require fifteen minutes of cuddling after sex. I bought her the darkest beer they had which also had the highest amount of alcohol that I could find because I really wanted to hear her moan in a few hours. Lux was a music teacher for advanced students in high school. By the way she talked I would gather she wasn’t that popular as a teacher. That’s what I gathered as to why she dressed up as Wednesday Adams. When I do stand up I actually aim for 7 minute sets because then at least I know I can fuck longer than I can talk and that is something to be proud of. She smelled amazing. And not like she sprayed perfume on her way out of the house, amazing.
“So what do you do to pay rent?”
“Pray real hard and occasionally I will show up at the local Chili’s.”
“Not sophisticated enough for the Applebee’s.”
“No, I worked there too but you see I’m the funny one and sometimes when you are a smartass, it requires you to be smart. People don’t always react appropriately.”
“For someone who doesn’t seem to talk much you seem to have a lot of thoughts.”
“Thank you, my mother left me as a small child. How’s the beer?”
“You were actually right the first time. I’m allergic. Do you mind just taking Tequila shots with me?”
“Are you trying to be funny?”
“Are you finding it to be funny?”
“Very much!”
Ж