Stories

asl – Elizabeth Victoria Aldrich








IRC network #narcissus

[18:11:25] ChanServ sets mode +Cnt

Invisible Users: zeus, helios. 

[18:22:14] persephone joined the channel.

[18:37:54] <hades> A/S/L?

[18:38:36] <persephone> None, I'm a goddess. Female. Eleusis, Earth.

[18:38:43] <persephone> You?

[18:40:25] <hades> None, I'm a god. Male, but I like to cross-dress sometimes. The Underworld.

[18:41:43] <hades> Perrr.. purr… just the beginning of your name is so sultry.

[18:42:12] <persephone> Yeah, if you're drunk and slurring your words. Don't go all Nabokov on me.

[18:42:27] <hades> Purr.. like a rabbit! A soft little rabbit…

[18:42:36] <persephone> You mean cat.

[18:42:57] <hades> Uh, no, I mean rabbit.

[18:43:11] <persephone> I don't even know what sounds rabbits make, but they definitely don't purr.

[18:51:04] <hades> That's not what Lil Hades' animal wheel says! The fox goes do do do do do do do do, the unicorn goes зйкыгм, Nicolas Cage goes ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, the humans snore, and the rabbit goes MEOW PURR MEOW.

[18:51:45] <persephone> Whatever, Hades. I'll believe you when I get one of your precious rabbits myself. You know I focus on my bakery. And didn't you change the humans to scream instead of snore?

[18:53:23] <hades> *Sigh* I am still trying. The Ambien has different effects on everyone. Oooh, you should come over sometime and we can watch the Ambien-Cam together! You'll never believe what these people will eat while unconscious!

[18:53:46] <persephone> Sounds fun. G2G

[18:54:04] <hades> Okay that's cool me too…

*

IRC network #narcissus

[22:49:27] ChanServ sets mode +ns

Invisible Users: none.

Idle Users: persephone. 

[22:49:25] hades joined the channel.

[22:52:50] <hades> hey

[22:52:51] <hades> hey

[22:52:51] <hades> hey

[22:52:56] <hades> persephoneeee

[22:52:57] <hades> come back

[22:53:10] persephone has returned from idle.

[22:52:59] <persephone> i'm here

[22:53:24] <persephone> Sorry, I was on tumblr. What's up?

[22:53:59] <hades> Move in with me, Pers. It'll be awesome.

[22:54:03] <persephone> Are you high?

[22:54:22] <hades> Persephone, there's nothing to do here BUT get high. Stay focused.

[22:54:49] <persephone> I have my bakery, Hades! Delicious pastries don't make themselves, you know.

[22:55:21] <hades> You could make them here, baby! there are berries and fruits here you haven't even tasted.

[22:55:30] <persephone> I don't need to go tripping.

[22:55:40] <hades> Hey, we have non-psychedelics too.

[22:55:56] <hades> We have hydroponics. You could grow whatever you want.

[22:56:10] <persephone> I need Vitamin D, you know. From.. you know.. THE SUN.

[22:56:26] <hades> You're a goddess, don't even front.

[22:56:48] <persephone> Then why am I taking all these pre-natal vitamins for, hmm? They *aren't* why my hair and nails are so luxurious?

[22:57:16] <hades> Sigh.. your parents have been lying to you, Pers. Those are not vitamins. You're on Prozac.

[22:57:19] <persephone> I'M NOT DEPRESSED

[22:57:37] <hades> Of course not, baby. Everyone knows Prozac is a placebo. Even I'm on it, and I swear it works, but…

[22:57:52] <persephone> ugh!! demeter!! zeus!! psyche!! im so pissed at ALL OF THEM

[22:58:09] <hades> Come live with me. You'll be so HardKora.

[22:58:14] <persephone> Oh don't even. Don't. Even.

*

[23:19:24] persephone is now known as queen_of_the_und

[23:22:11] persephone is now known as queenoftheunderw

[23:22:40] persephone is now known as underworldqueen

[23:22:52] persephone now known as queenunderworld

[23:23:25] <queenunderworld> You house is really big. I got lost and wandered around until I found Wi-Fi.

[23:23:31] <hades> But what do you think of the fruit?

[23:23:37] <queenunderworld> It's so delicious, Hades!!

[23:23:41] <hades> I know, right? I. Know.

[23:23:47] <queenunderworld> We need to get these to Earth.

[23:24:05] <hades> NEVER. These took so long for me for me to perfect!

[23:24:24] <queenunderworld> Don't be Vincent Gallo. Look, what about selling them in a concentrated juice form?

[23:24:25] <hades> Well…

[23:24:33] <queenunderworld> And make it slightly expensive?

[23:24:35] <hades> Hmmm…

[23:24:47] <queenunderworld> And add a heart in the logo to represent our love! POM :)

[23:25:16] <hades> Alright.. I'm in. California will make the most sensible cover. We need to keep people away from that [REDACTED] in [REDACTED].

[23:25:21] <queenunderworld> Yeah, definitely. 

*

[00:00:46] <queenunderworld> Hades, my mom is posting ALL OVER craigslist for me. She even had an Amber Alert out!! How stupid is that?? She must really have no idea I'm down here of my own volition.

[00:00:55] Hades is away. "I'm busy go away I have dead people over here, and a LOT."

*

IRC Network #eleusis

[00:08:09] ChanServ sets mode +Cnt

[00:08:19] hecate joined the channel. 

[00:08:20] <hecate> Hey, Demeter. You should talk to Helios about Persephone. 

[00:08:22] <demeter> Who?

[00:08:34] <hecate> The all-seeing sun god… you never really go out to parties, do you?

[00:08:44] <demeter> NO. NOT LATELY, HECATE. NOT. FUCKING. LATELY.

[00:08:51] <hecate> Jeez, Mom, sorry…

*

[00:26:02] helios has joined the channel. 

[00:31:51] <helios> Hey D, I thought it was best not to get involved.. but now I feel sorry for you being in the dark about all of this. Persephone sort of moved in with that dude Hades.

[00:31:54] <demeter> Hades?!?

[00:32:07] <helios> I know he has a bad rap..

[00:32:28] <demeter> HE LIVES IN THE UNDERWORLD, HELIOS. IT'S LIKE INGLEWOOD BUT WORSE.

[00:33:48] <helios> Look, rumors are flying eeeverywhere that poor P was kidnapped, or worse, but actually P digs it down there!

[00:34:18] <helios> I know this must be tough, but be proud of your daughter! She's the queen of the freakin' dead! How cool is that?!?

[00:34:33] <demeter> I JUST WANT HER HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS, YOU SHIT. SHE ISN'T ON A FUCKING SUMMER ABROAD IN FRANCE.

[00:34:40] demeter has signed off.

*

[10:42:55] <demeter> I'm going on strike. You know what this means? All that will be able to sell is POM. Okay? Do you even use money?

[10:43:08] <hades> Not the way it's used on Earth, but sure, we use it.

[10:43:17] <demeter> I don't even want to know. But we have a deal, right?

[10:43:44] <hades> Of course. Go to the [REDACTED] in [REDACTED] and a red Marauder will be there to pick you up.

[10:43:53] <demeter> I know there's a slide, Hades. Why can't I just use the slide?

[10:43:57] hades has signed off.

*

[00:50:28] <hades> So how did it go, babe?

[00:51:03] <queenunderworld> It went well! I mean, it was hard, you know? To come out. It's hard being asked by your mom if you were raped or kidnapped and having to be all, no mom, I'm just kinky.. sorry we were so sloppy about it..

[00:51:10] <hades> I can't help but smile, though. It was so fun :)

[00:51:29] <queenunderworld> I know! I just hate that some people think I'm some sort of victim. Ugh. At least she's back up there now and everyone can eat now.

[00:51:40] <hades> Actually there never was any famine, Monsanto had it covered.

[00:51:45] <queenunderworld> So you fucked with my mom for nothing?

[00:51:50] <hades> No, I had no idea that would happen.

[00:51:55] <hades> Monsanto fucking scares me, Pers.

[00:52:05] <hades> Didn't you watch Food Inc.?

[00:52:28] <queenunderworld> Nah, after Taxicab Confessions stopped airing, I started watching A&E. You know, Intervention, My Strange Addiction. Ooh, and Hoarders.

*

HOARDERS’ TRANSCRIPT

[Voiceover: They've been married nine months, but only now is Persephone, now Queen of the Underworld, really starting to realize what she got herself into.]

Persephone: The house was so big at first, I could just explore, but now…

Host: You know, most people on here, we say they're buried alive, but you…

Hades: No. Don't do that.

Host: So the marriage is happy, yes?

Persephone and Hades: Yes.

Host: And you hoard specific things. Two specific things. Dead people.. and.. [REDACTED].

Hades: Where did you see that?

Host: In, in, room you have.. with the movable walls.. on Earth, we have something similar called Origami Apartments.

Hades: No, the other thing.

Host: The giant freezer you have next to some trucks. Those things are delicious, but so expensive…

Hades: Shut up shut up shut up…

Hades: Alright, we know you're emotional about this, but really…

Hades: JUST ANSWER ME THIS. IF I DON'T KEEP THE DEAD PEOPLE HERE, WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA GO? WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA GO?? AND YEAH, I GET THIRSTY. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DRINK, ABSINTHE? SORRY I DON'T LIVE UP TO YOUR STEREOTYPICAL EXPECTATIONS. SORRY I PREFER MINIMAL INTERIOR DESIGN TO WHATEVER HELL PALACE YOU HAD IN MIND. [He pauses, tries to compose himself.] I GET THE IKEA CATALOGUE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.


[As Hades holds up the catalogue as proof, a bunny jumps up to bite it, lands back down on the floor, spits out the paper, and meows loudly.]