bodies and public spaces – Amina Snoot

i’m letting him make me have a bad day even though he’s ostensibly “just kidding.” eyesnoot: sweetie why are you catfishing me? amina snoot: baby you’re going to make me cry again. this is the third time i’ve threatened to cry today and the second time that i’ve actually considered it.

i went for a walk earlier and pretended i was laying in the street waiting for a car to run me over. i pretended i was going to nap in an old graveyard. i tried screaming and couldn’t because i lost my voice last week. i felt more alone than i had in months.

i’m laying on the bed in my parents’ house, zoning out, switching between different tabs on my computer, nothing happening on any of them. everyone in the world is simultaneously conspiring against me and also not thinking about me at all. it’s nighttime and i can’t stop coughing and i should go to bed but i don’t.

it’s 11 am 12 pm 1 pm 2 pm 3 pm nothing is still happening and there is nowhere to turn that doesn’t resonate empty, empty, empty. the sun sets and it turns cold. eyesnoot logs on to say that he’s drinking a lot of cough syrup and might do something “out of character” which is funny because all he is is a character. i say oh…like what and wait another hour. i’ve been putting off going for a walk because it’s so cold out but i can’t sit around anymore. i borrow a coat from my mother because i failed to check the weather before coming here. it shouldn’t’ve mattered anyway, it’s almost december.

outside i scream along to some music and wonder if the neighbors can hear me. regardless, i don’t stop. i don’t check my phone because my fingers are freezing. aaron calls midway through my walk. i say it’s infinitely amusing to me how much bbq he eats daily. he laughs and says he’ll call me back but never does. i resume singing. i never warm up. i’m outside for an hour and a half and never warm up.

eyesnoot broke up with me twice before noon today. eyesnoot: you’re my knives chau and i’m just ready for my ramona flowers. amina snoot: i don’t know what this means you’re making me cry. i’m only half pretending; i don’t really get it. amina snoot: is knives chau the guy from the matrix? amina snoot: no one loves me. eyesnoot: well your parents.

i pretend i’m going to throw myself in front of the acela train. eyesnoot: nonono. the conductor says i can’t kill myself because it would interrupt the already precarious train schedule. i get on the train and alternate between drinking a beer and falling asleep for the 40 minutes back home.

on monday i mention i used to have a weird sun twitter. eyesnoot asks how i know about weird sun twitter which i don’t understand the question because why wouldn’t i know about it? it’s online and so am i. amina snoot: i wouldn’t want to sun dox. he tells me he can’t fall in love with a bot and i send him my folder of screenshots of captchas that i’ve passed. it works.

amina snoot: baby i’m reading a book and the main character reminds me of you. he’s charming and smart and well dressed just like you. eyesnoot: that’s so sweet amina snoot. what book? amina snoot: american psycho. eyesnoot: oh. amina snoot: have you heard of it. amina snoot: sweetie?

my room is freezing and i think it would be nice to have a feverish man there to warm me up.

eyesnoot: i want to dox and harass you. eyesnoot: you must say i love you to all the boys. amina snoot: but i only mean it when i say it to you. he has enough information to dox me but can’t put the pieces together. or he asked someone else and is playing dumb.

he says he has a “special plan” for me. i freak outgg6h

suddenly i’m nervous that i’m manic. maybe it’s the coffee but also i’m sleeping less. but also i’m spending a lot of money. but i’m not in trouble or anything. i take a quiz and it asks if i’ve ever been sad and elated at the same time and i stop taking the quiz because it freaks me out. and i’m not going to do anything about the results regardless, so it doesn’t matter. someone suggests i look up the symptoms for bipolar in the bdsm iv. i spam chat with a link to a bdsm quiz and try to trick people into taking it. someone sends me their results.

i drink a ginger beer cider with a shot of spiced rum in it and get way too drunk. i tell aaron i have a crush on him and he replies “don’t be gay.” i’m simultaneously delighted at how insane a response that is and also embarrassed about being so frank. he follows up a few hours later at 4 am to ask if i want to join vc.

at work i am getting nauseated from spinning around in my chair all day. i have coffee and lie about it. i lie about drinking coffee all day. i can’t stop moving and doing nothing.

i join the vc with eyesnoot and trashcan and eyesnoot is the only person ever to pronounce amina correctly.


eyesnoot (real): you used that phrase “sun dox” and i can’t get it out of my head it’s the funniest thing i’ve ever heard


i post some pix of dew food on the dew drinkers discord (official). for once they take the bait and tell me i’m disgusting. i convince someone to try code red ramen. eyesnoot: baby tell me rn what is dew. amina snoot: are you dumb im confused about how stupid you are sometimes. eyesnoot: invite me to the dew cord sweetie. amina snoot: it’s my safe space baby i write all about you in the dew-vent channel i don’t want you to read it.

am i manic am i manic i’m sleeping even less but it doesn’t seem to catch up with me. i stare blankly at my computer all day at work but nothing bad happens. i’m pulling worms out of the ground yelling EVICTED EVICTED EVICTED. i’m awake at 3 am 4 am 5 am. i go to bed but i’m not tired. everything is both moving too slowly and too quickly. EVICTED EVICTED EVICTED.

eyesnoot says he wouldn’t love to gangstalk me but makes a typo that makes it sound like he would love to gangstalk me. he’s delirious from having another fever. amina snoot: sweetie if i were there i would tip a whole bottle of cough syrup into your mouth. i can hear him saying “oh amina snoooot” in my head.

amina snoot: baby you’re just like this guy in the book. he’d break a girl’s jaw for fun.

i’m on vc for a minute before i go out for the night. i bought eye shadow at target and apply it with the finesse of a toddler. i go dancing by myself again for the third weekend in a row. i’m dead sober and failing all my limbs in the corner of the room. no one tries to talk to me the whole night. i bike home and get on vc. at 3:30 i’m laying on my kitchen counter falling asleep on camera. i don’t remember getting into bed but i wake up there.

eyesnoot: you’re really scaring me
amina snoot: you’re really scaring me

aaron’s having a bad day and is telling me about it on the phone. about how pointless everything is. i try to be nice and understanding but i feel the same. as a last ditch effort, before he leaves, i ask if i can come visit him in la. he waffles, says ok sure, do you have a place to crash? and hangs up. i immediately regret asking him.

days go by and neither of us mention the visit. i text him to tell him that i’m coming especially to see him. amina snoot: i don’t want to get tom tuna’d. tom tuna is some twitter guy that ignored someone that went to go see him in miami. i don’t know the story. something about cocaine. anyway, aaron says he’s not trying to tom tuna anyone and i believe him. i still don’t buy tickets though.

a week or so later and something is up. he hasn’t texted me back in a few days. he calls and stutters for five minutes to tell me he’s seeing his ex again. maybe don’t come to la right now. i don’t know how i feel. he asks if i want to keep talking and so we talk for another hour about our days. i don’t know how to feel. it’s real and also entirely inside my computer. i’m real and also entirely inside my computer.

later i text eyesnoot (we started texting now) to ask if i can send aaron a picture of my sweater with the caption: “not to sweater mog you, but…” he says “oh amina snooooot” i shouldn’t do it so i don’t. or i do and don’t tell him.

tonight: all my problems are dental. amina snoot: all my problems are dental. amina snoot: my problems are driving me dental amina snoot: my problems are driving me dental amina snoot: my problems are driving me dental amina snoot: my problems are driving me dental amina snoot: my problems are driving me dental amina snoot: my problems are driving me dental

amina snoot: i think i did something bad i hurt someones feelings. aaron asks and i’m vague about it. aaron: mod me and all things are forgiven. amina snoot: boys only want one thing and its disgusting. aaron: ? amina snoot: to be modded. aaron: so tru i deserve it tho.

he calls me an hour later. its almost 4 am. i explain to him that eyesnoot was calling me paranoid again and i listed off why anyone would be that way. and that when i finished talking the call dropped or he hung up and didn’t pick up when i called back. aaron says its probably fine. he’s probably right.

he says he wants to do a project with me. a screenplay or something. that he thinks i’d be good at writing dialogue and have i ever tried (i haven’t)? he spends the next hour convincing me to move to la. i’m clearly depressed and bored and already have friends in la (he’s talking about himself) and there’s a neighborhood (near him) that he thinks i’d like where people bike around and buy cage free honey and other things people like me do. he’s very adamant that i should visit for his birthday. and that he would drive me around town if he gets his license and take me to shows and vegetarian restaurants.

i am delighted.

it’s new years and i’m on vc because i’m avoiding playing board games with my roommate and her boyfriend. i have a bag of shrooms in my hand and i threaten to eat one. everyone online is like haha no don’t you’re all alone. aaron gets me on vc and watches me eat one while telling me to eat another and another and another and another and another. i do what he says and chew them with my mouth slightly open because i’m smiling like a fool the whole time.

at midnight aaron wishes me happy new years and

twenty minutes later and i’m still on vc but there’s a new cast and i’ve gotten them to take their shirts off to measure their arms. i giggle for 15 minutes straight until my abs hurt. i text aaron this and resist the urge to text him 6000 more times. i text eyesnoot and he says: “Sweetie how many shrooms!!” and i giggle for another 15 minutes.

eyesnoot: baby would it drive you crazy if i had an amiinabot? amina snoot: you make me psychotic sometimes sweetie. eyesnoot: you make me psychotic sometimes sweetie. sometimes he does though. if he’s been making an amiinabot this whole time i will lose my mind. if he only got the idea after i asked him if he were making an amiinabot i will lose my mind. in an instant i’m as paranoid as i was a month ago.

i’m letting him make me have a bad day again. aaron told me in passing that eyesnoot was going to nyc this weekend to see his girlfriend (he has a girlfriend). he didn’t know that up until that moment i thought eyesnoot was coming to see for the weekend.

i would like to pull every eyelash off eyesnoot one by one. i would like to pull his fingernails off too.

eyesnoot says i’m missing out on so much aaronposting in the new server. i tell him i don’t care because at that current moment i am talking to aaron. eyesnoot feigns disappointment and starts acting weird. amina snoot: is something wrong. do you need to tell me something. eyesnoot: oh um um um um um. amina snoot: well? eyesnoot: well we tell each other everything right? amina snoot: like if we were going to nyc this weekend. amina snoot: you’d tell me that right.

i want to pull his tonsils out with my hands.

he says he never meant for me to find out this way. he says he was going to call and tell me which is insane because we were on the phone a dozen times in the last few days. he said he was just kidding about the other stuff he said in the new server. he thinks jules told me about nyc. i think he knows she didn’t but he wants to hear me say it. i tell him i’m upset and he asks me five times in as many minutes how i found out.

it feels like a joke and i’m the punchline. these weird things that leave me feeling insane keep happening. way too many to be unintentional. i tell him this i tell him this i tell him this. he asks who told me. eyesnoot: i’m just so hungry i feel faint. i tell him all these things that feel bad and he asks again how i found out. we talk on and off the rest of the night. eyesnoot convinces himself on the phone to me that he didn’t do anything wrong. he doesn’t seem to get the distinction between public and private. to say something in public is much different than saying it in private. he thinks if i were in the new server it would’ve been fine because i would’ve seen him ask a crowd if he should go to nyc this weekend. eyesnoot: i didn’t do anything wrong.

i want to break his nose. he could finally get that rhinoplasty he’s always talking about.

i’ve had four margaritas and only ate kale for dinner.

aaron calls while i am in bed. 2 am again. aaron: amina snoot do you want to take me out for my birthday? he asks if i want to go to a very fancy vegetarian restaurant with him and also pay for his meal. (later: aaron: you’re not a man until you’ve begged amina snoot to buy you 400$ birthday dinner over the phone.) i’m smiling and trying not to sound like it. i wonder if i’m being used. i say of course i would. he is insistent i figure out what days i’ll be in la.

eyesnoot says he’s stressed. there’s a big project at work and he spends all his time working. amina snoot: baby you’re so haha and heart emoji and copy paste lately. eyesnoot: i’m sooo stressed. i don’t really know what he does all day but he does it all day so i guess he likes it. eyesnoot: the level of abstraction you need to deal with in software engineering isn’t something most people can handle.

later that day i lay out my case for why software engineering isn’t engineering. eyesnoot is the only one who disagrees. it doesn’t matter though because i know i’m right and he’s a fraud. but it’s ok, i don’t mind a fraud.

i go out with my classmates for the first time in a few months. we go to a bar on beacon hill and abby tells me that jon tried to hook up with her and when she turned him down, he hooked up with her friend. jon shows up and leaves and shows up and leaves while acting like nothing’s wrong. they’re 26 and it makes me want to die how immature the whole situation is. i feel bad for abby until her drunk boyfriend shows up and they start making out everywhere. i try to sing a sade song at karaoke, but the teen running the machine doesn’t know who sade is. the same rihanna song is blaring in the background for the fourth time in an hour.

i leave to take the last train home. we stop at park and wait and wait and wait. i call aaron but he doesn’t pick up. he texts me to ask whats up and i say i’m WAITING. he says ok and doesn’t call me back. i figure he’s watching a movie. i get home and buy some ice cream on the way. i take stock of my life. this week i’ve had 5 drinks and paid for 2 of them. i’ve talked to more people in the last few days than i have in months. it feels good to be in the world but i don’t feel closer to achieving anything.

i decide not to wash my face before going to bed for the first time in my adult life. as i’m getting into bed aaron calls. again i find myself talking to him at 3 am. he says i sound tired, am i tired? amina snoot: i’m not tired, my voice just gets low when i’m dehydrated. i think it sounds dark and smoky and i hope he thinks its hot. we talk about movies, being sad, being less sad, going to work, leaving work, drinking coffee, not drinking water (he doesn’t drink any water) (he later amends this to say he drinks sparkling water). i tell him he’s absolutely fucked and he laughs in a way i hadn’t heard before.

when we finally hang up, i wonder if i’ll feel the same way about our little phone calls if we ever meet in person. i fall asleep before i can decide.

i’ve called eyesnoot at least two dozen times in the last 24 hours. my phone says things like: eyesnoot (10) in the call log. when he picks up i can’t stop smiling. when he doesn’t pick up i remember how sad and alone i am. i love when he cackles like a crazy person after insulting me because it seems so intimate and like it’s me he wants to share that part of himself with. i know he must be like this with everyone, but i choose to believe that i’m special.