Cursed Tales – Zachary H Loewenstein

May 20, 2019

Under Pressure

 

I remember when I was in high school, I had the biggest crush on my friend Sara. One day after school, we were sitting on the couch. She told me that she wanted to see how big my dick was. I agreed under the condition that she take off her shirt. She had beautiful, no, perfect breasts. Sara was impressed by my unusually large and thick hard-on.
After a couple minutes of mutual staring, Sara asked me if I wanted to have sex. Of course, I did. I was a teenager with a smoking hot topless girl.
Sara took the condom out of her bag.
She tore it open. I was on the edge of insanity from anticipation.
As Sara began to roll the condom down my shaft, I realized I was going to cum. It was inevitable. When the condom was about half-way down, I blew my load and was panicked by embarrassment.
I told her that I didn’t think we should do this because it might ruin our friendship.
Sara got up and put her shirt back on and told me to fuck myself and left. I was embarrassed for many years, but now I chalk it up as a hand job.

 

Why Do You Hate Us Santa?

 

I’m a Jew, but growing up I still believed that Santa Claus was real. Not the Easter bunny of course, that was just silly. The thing was Santa never brought me any presents (antisemitic prick).
One year, I decided to leave out cookies and milk as a little incentive. The next morning, I found the plate and glass empty in the sink and still no presents.
Looking back on it now, I figure my dad was probably stoned and found the cookies and milk in the middle of the night. At the time all I could think was that Santa was a fucking asshole.
And this was when I was first learning about the holocaust. Jewish children learn about the holocaust at an earlier age than the other children.
Did Santa hate Jews? Was Santa a Nazi? I knew Hitler had a mustache, but Santa had an entire beard. He must be way worse I thought.
I didn’t fully understand Nazis yet, but I knew that they hated Jews.
Only later in life did I realize that there were never great formations of Reindeer Sleighs destroying Guernica and Rotterdam or hundreds of thousands of elves sweeping across Poland.

 

Why Do Women Do That?

 

Why do some women think that it’s ok to share their sexual history with their boyfriends? I would be at a dinner party with some friends and someone might mention condoms and my girlfriend would say, “You know what I love? Flavored condoms. I’ve probably tasted every one, but I love grape the most. I can’t get enough of that one.”
I’ve never seen a flavored condom in my life.
At first, I thought it was a joke, but it turns out that my girlfriend is some kind of culinary dick expert.
If a penis is mentioned, my girlfriend would say, “Oh. I just love huge cocks.” Why did she say that? Did she really have to say that?
“I love huge cocks. I once knew this guy and I could barely fit that thing down my throat as he pumped enormous thick wads of hot jizz into my stomach.”
“This guy came so much. On my face, my hair, my tits. Oh my god his perfect cum used to get all over me.”
“Don’t get me started with threesomes. I love threesomes, but only with guys. That’s the best. Two dicks at once is just great,” she would say to our friends at the dinner party.