Daily Mainichi News Wire – Sprague Dawley
February 11, 2018
–SMH—
The Head of the Australian Space Programme, a Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong, has today revealed the objectives of the fledging multi-billion dollar programme.
Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong.
–Head of the Australian Space Programme.
“Yeah mate, first objective is to find the fucken dog. Having a squizz for the mangy cunt from the space ship satellite telescope would be the go I reckon. The fucken bastard went walkabout last week. Probably rolling around the neighbourhood rooting anything that moves. I know I would be if I could walk around naked rubbing my cock up against anything that took my fancy.”
“Second objective is getting my useless brother Gene-o his first ever root” continued Mr Gunston. “No one on earth wants to fuck the bastard but maybe someone in space will hahaha”
“Trevor you fucken cu”
“Third objective is getting the space camera to have a perv thru the slat windows in the chicks bogs at the Redfern RSL. Especially on Friday nights when Raewyn is there in her halter top, pissed to the gills.”
“Fourth objective is to get an accurate reading as to exactly how fast my fucken ute can really go. No technology on earth has been able to accurately measure it so far. Maybe the cunts in space will have better luck. Righto. There ya go mate. A multitude of objectives. 83.6 billion dollars of space technology well spent I reckon.”
“For fucks sake, just too fast, can’t get a reading, get the space station cunts on the blower.”
A local unemployed model has reportedly visited her local physician and enquired as to how she can “become infected with the Downs Syndrome virus.” The gorgeous moron went on to say “with all this equal opportunity bullshit, and the Downies getting employed ahead of me, I just realised that I need their tard ranch dressing medicine all over my fucken face to stay professionally competitive.”
Today’s new look:
“The Downies are taking food out of my mouth” continued the dejected model. “Can’t the Doc give me an injection to tard my shit up? Maybe some fake downies botox injected straight into my cheeks and jaw and lips and eyes and forehead to puff my shit up? I asked my plastic surgeon to do something downy to my suddenly hideously unfashionable face but the stupid cunt just sat there staring at me like he was some kind of a fucken tard himself. The Downies look is so in this season. So fucken jealous. Thinking about slashing my wrists I feel so ugly. I knew there was a reason I hated myself and now I’ve found it.”
“I am fucking hideous.”
-Last seasons look.
Japan Prime Minister En Route to Pearl Harbour
–Japan Time–
Japan’s Prime Minister Abe is reportedly already “en route” to Pearl Harbour for the first-ever visit by a Japanese Prime Minister. Mr Abe is however believed to be flying to the US Naval Base as the sole occupant of a Japanese WWII Mitsubishi Zero fighter plane.
“Don’t panic cunts. The fucken guns’ve been
disabled ACK ACK ACK hahaha, just fuckin’
with ya.”
Mr Abe has no previous experience piloting any aircraft of any sort.
“No worries if I can’t stick the landing” laughed Abe. “I’ll just kamikaze my shit in there. Just like old times. Should give the old seppo war hero codgers saluting their nuts off down there something to have a massive sook about hahahahah oops, there’s the Naval base down there now OH FUCK I’M LOSING ALTITUDE HAHAHAHAHAHA…”
–Times–
A local toff in Great Britain has offered a small child “50 quid” for her hair.
“What, all of my hair?”
“No, no, just the back bits. And the top bits.”
“Then, later on, I’ll get your hair bits stapled to my own head” continued the local toff as the small girl’s eyes started to well up with tears. “Come on shithead, whaddya say? You’ve got plenty of hair. Look, here, I even brought my own fuckin’ hair jars so let’s get busy filling the fuckin jars up with my new hair.”