Daily Mainichi News Wire – Sprague Dawley

Local Despot Has Failed Family Crest Maker Melted Down And Sprayed Onto Failed Family Crest.

–NY Times–

A local despot, disappointed with a family crest that was lovingly hand-crafted for him over the course of the last 3 years, has had the craftsman responsible for the off-colour artwork melted down and sprayed directly onto the crest.

“If I wanted fucking yellow I would have asked for fucking yellow” sneered the vicious despot. “Keep it? No, I’m not going to fucking keep it. It’s not gold. Like what I fucking asked for. The dogs seem to like licking it, perhaps they can smell something on it that I cannot. I’ll mount the yellow piece of shit in the servants quarters, to serve as a daily reminder to those gay black faggots down there as to what will happen if they also fuck up.”
“Yellow? I piss on yellow.”
“Now? What am I doing right now? Obviously, I’m pissing all over this fucking servant that I’ve just kicked unconscious, that’s what I’m doing right fucking now. Cameras still rolling? ROLL ON, SONY MOTHERFUCKERS.”


Harvey Weinstein To Donate Cock To Smithsonian

–NY Times–

Disgraced Hollywood movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has pledged that upon his passing he will donate his cock to The Smithsonian Institute. “This piece has shaped the movie industry for the last 3 decades” said Weinstein. “It has seen everything. It has been the ultimate powerbroker in the industry. Million dollar careers and billion dollar movie franchises have risen and fallen in accordance with the whims of the cock.”

The empty display case currently reserved for Harvey Weinstein’s cock.

Mr Weinstein is currently recovering from sex in his Sex Recovery Clinic which is located in Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion.

Trump Solves “Non-Existent” Climate Change Issue In 30 Seconds.

–NY Times–

President Donald Trump has today come up with a novel solution for the climate change issue currently manifesting itself globally in the form of rising ocean levels.

“Look, they tell me the ocean levels are rising…” said the skeptical Commander in Chief. “Personally, I don’t believe it. Too much water? So what are they waiting for? Just use fire to burn the excess water off. Your local fire department can do that. Send a fire engine to the beach. They can use fire to lower the ocean levels. One beach at a time. Less water means lower ocean levels. That’s basic science. Use fire. Fire is a well known heat generator. Fire can burn all sorts of things. Including water. Easy. Problem solved. Next!”
“Hurry the fuck up, get to that
fucking beach, this global warming
shit is a race against fucken time.”

America’s Nazi’s To Be Rounded Up And Fed To America’s Fat Cunts.

–USA Today–

The United States’ massive population of fat cunts are to be fed a new source of protein; American prime Nazis.

“Nazi ribs, nazi steak, nazi hot dogs, yes, we are going to use all of these nazi food sources to feed the overweight American people” proclaimed President Donald Trump. “And, get this, for the hot dogs, we’re going to use the nazis’ actual wieners. You know, friends, neighbours, countrymen, in all truth, the nazi’s are my pals. And the nazis might say I’m throwing them under the bus here. However, we already have the nazi slaughterhouses and meat packing plants set up and ready to go and, economically speaking, and from a nutritional standpoint, it cannot be denied that nazis are a very good source of protein. Cannot be denied. Huge protein potential in Nazis. Huge. The nazi race say they are strong and proud and superior so, now, we are going to put their bold claims to the test. The taste test. My advisors have told me that all these kind of fat American citizens we have around here are a drain on national resources, sucking up billions and billions in healthcare money every year. And also breaking bus seats with their giant heinies. Nazi protein will toughen them up and make them less fat. I call this an economic final solution. I thought of that myself. Do you like it? Yeah? So sieg heil and auf wiedersehen goodnight to fat AND to nazis!”

When queried as to how he will actually carry out this audacious dietary plan, Trump replied “it’ll be easy to round the nazis up. We saw them all on TV the other week at their peaceful free speech pep rally. They all showed their faces. Maybe they forgot their pillowcases? I don’t know. Either way, NSA facial recognition software, mini drone strikes to the kneecaps, yadda yadda, to cut a long story short, at the end of the day, the nazis are all going in the pot. Even though they’re still my pals.”

“Mummy! Mummy! I’m hungry for more nazi cock, mummy!”
“Mummy, mummy, look at me! Look at how many nazi cocks I can fit in my mouth at one time, mummy!”

Local Man Can’t Find Eclipse.

–Korean Times–

A local man has been unable to locate the eclipse in the sky.

“Where the fuck is it? I can’t see a fucking thing.”

“Is it a solar eclipse or a lunar eclipse ahh fuck it what’s the difference I still can’t find the cunt” exclaimed the exasperated sky viewer to his assembled viewing party.


Nuremburg Barbie Adjusting To Life In Mexico After Defection.

–NY Times–

President Trump’s former right-wing I mean former right-hand confidante, Nuremburg Barbie, is said to be settling in well after defecting to fucken Mexico last month. She is now said to be almost fluent at speaking Mexican.

“Hola cunts, el diablo dildo mein conquistador el gash pubes fracking time.”
–Nuremburg Barbie buying a loaf of bread in sunny sperm-stained downtown Mexico.

“Hola taco-faced cunt, mein Berlin wall spic hombre el paso burrito tortilla?”
–Nuremburg Barbie asking what time is the next bus to fucken Tijuana

“Hola mein sombrero el pubus memorandus Shell Oil Gulf of Mexico el gringo cunthead Pablo Escobar?”
–Nuremburg Barbie in the supermarket asking where the fucken Tabasco sauce is.