Daily Mainichi News Wire – Sprague Dawley

September 22, 2017

 Japan To Publish Own Bible.

–Japan Times–

Japan, renowned for its insular & xenophobic ways, is said to have grown sick of the “gaijin bible” and is set to publish their own version of the all-time best-selling fantasy novel. “Foreigner bible is Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. It is 100% gaijin” lamented Japan’s Minister for Upskirt Haberdashery, Dr Masahiro Sato.

“Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? Japan Bible is Momoko, Mari, Luna and Janet in their togs at seaside captured through Nikon XL.003 telephoto lens from 200 yards.”
Dr Masahiro Sato.

“Old gaijin bible version from Roman days is little to no Japanese representation” continued Dr Sato. “Japan is not breaking bread and red wine parting sea. It is what the actual fuck. This is foreigner fantasy in foreigner land. Breaking bread? Japan national dish is scalded dolphin embryo delicately garnished with whale nits. Fuck bread. Besides, modern Japan today prophet is all 13-year old girl in togs, preferably with own series of high-gloss photobook. Preferably it is I want autographed copy. I have many such religious artifacts. It is like deep sea scrolls for chipmunk-speed masturbation. I wait in line for each new age parchment. I wait overnight. I take thermos. And sleeping bag. It is girl of youth that is worshipped idol of Japan, therefore religious deity. Not some gaijin sandal-wear hippie carpenter gaijin man. Japan faith today is stand in line to get high-culture artifact photobook autographed and ask for cute smile from religious deity and, for pre-arranged fee, and thrill of lifetime, possible personal photo opportunity. Keep the faith, Japan. Therefore, in good faith, after parliamentary deliberation, Japan bible is AKB48 photobook. It is unanimous choice and hastily rush bill through parliament and whip off home early for massive new testiclement Japan bible masturbation session.”

“Fuck Moses, fuck Red Sea parting, Japan new biblical epoch is new season bikini testiclement cleavage parting in high-gloss 3-D.”
-Dr Sato.

 

 

 

Trump Selects Tom Petty As New Immigration Chief.

–NY Times–


In something of a surprise move, President Trump has selected 80’s rocker Tom Petty as his new Immigration Chief. Mr Petty has no previous political experience whatsoever. “I’ve always been impressed by his detailed immigration manifesto” said Trump. “Very impressed. He’s very detailed about it.”

“Don’t come around here no morrre…”

“I like his attitude here” said Trump. “Brief and straight to the point.”

“You don’t have to liiive like a refugeeee…”

“What? Of course refugees have to live like refugees… that’s what they are. Refugees. Maybe I’ll have to get Tom into the Oval Office and seek further policy clarification on this one.”

“The waaiiiiting is the hardest part…”

“Excellent. Let the refugees and foreign freaks wait and wait and wait, all the while thinking waiting is the hardest part. Because Tom said it is. Maybe we’ll play that song at airport detention centers over and over again to confuse the waiting foreigners for a while until we set them to work building my huge fucking Mexican wall.”

 

 

 

Angelina Jolie sends her adopted kids back to Africa.

–People–

Recently divorced mega-star Angelina Jolie has reportedly sent all 6 of her kids

back to Africa. Even the kids from China. And also all 3 of her biological kids.

“Biohazard, biological, I don’t give a shit, just get on that fucking boat!”

The 6 tearful children have arrived in Botswana and been let loose to roam on a public game reserve. It is expected they will fossick for grubs for a bit before Jolie engineers a Hollywood happy ending for the 6 scabby little freeloading wankers.

“We could walk to Cape Town?”
“Don’t worry, drama queen princess fairy nuts will have some prick come and pick us up once her precious saturation coverage biometrics have been met.”