Double Standards – James Stelzer

“Those Kirby games are bullshit, man.

That lucky motherfucker gets to run around eating whatever the hell he wants, whenever the hell he wants, zero pushback from anyone.

How is that fair?

How is it fair that cake heals him?

That he can just eat fire, no training required?

So, that squishy little prick can literally swallow the stars, right?

And that’s all cool, he don’t need permission from anyone?

So, explain this to me, please:

How come it don’t work like that for me?

How come when I decide to have a couple of beers on Curry Night, I always get the shits for three days straight?

Or when I nick a couple of leftover chips from some random kid’s plate at TGI Fridays – because he’s clearly not hungry no more  – the parents go complain to the manager, and then I’m forced to pay their whole bill?

Or when I take one tiny warning bite out of this mutt as it’s tearing up the grass in my bit of the park, I’m ‘a vile little crackhead who needs to be locked up (or put down, even) for the good of the community’?

How is that fucking fair?!

These double standards make me sick.

I hope Kirby chokes. 

Really, I do.

Anyway dude.

You brought that cash for me, right? 

For Canteen stuff.

Like I said on the phone.

You did bring it.


Please tell me you brought it, man.


I’m fucking STARVING in here.”