Expat Press Forums - words+misc.

Expat Press Forums => Non Lit => Topic started by: Sprague Dawley on May 15, 2018, 01:58:47 AM

Title: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on May 15, 2018, 01:58:47 AM
Japanese Prince, Aged 11, Declares Himself “Ready” for Japan’s Throne

--Japan Times—

Japan’s Prince Hisahito, aged 11, and 3rd in line to the Japanese throne, has declared himself “ready” to be the next Emperor of Japan. “I’ve finished my homework and already had my first wank just last week. That means I’m ready for the Iron Throne. Plus I’ve seen all the nudie books down at 7-11. I know what the fuck I’m doing here.”

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/prince_zpsinkuhuym.jpg)
“If I fuck you up the arse is it still incest?”
--The Prince (centre) walking with his sisters.

“First order of business will be getting myself a big fucking samurai sword to behead all of my wanker siblings” continued the Prince, safely out of earshot of his 2 sisters. “Cutting out the competition is crucial to ensuring my reign is long and prosperous. After the public executions, next order of business will be to secure the last remaining Pokemon cards that I don’t already have. I’ll send some minion fuckhead serf door-to-door to make the required collections. After those 2 key strategic goals have been attained, the rest of my reign will be fairly straight-forward, my days mainly centred around fucking bitches and eating lollies.”

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/prince_zpsinkuhuym.jpg)
“Phew. That was awesome. The ol' in and out. Still not incest right? That was pretty much just like in the mags down at 7-11. Maybe even racier. Now then, let’s head home, I can’t wait to show you my big shiny samurai sword. It's just like my cock, that being, I’ve polished the fucken thing until it shines.”

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on May 27, 2018, 03:06:44 AM
Japanese Prime Minister Enrols Own Wife In KGB

--Japan Times—

In somewhat of a surprise diplomatic manoeuvre, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has today enrolled his wife, Akie, in the KGB. "She will be a great asset to both of our nations", murmured Abe to Soviet Premiere Vladimir Putin.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/akie_zps4o4o7d7k.jpg)
"No, no, Vlad. Of course I haven't told her yet. I'll leave that to you."

"Whether it's indoctrinating the next generation of kindergarteners to right-wing fascist I mean to pinko communist ways, or working black ops in black sites, or mobilising the troops on the eastern front to resume the push through Manchuria, she will be your number one asset, Vlad." continued Abe. "Number fucking one. Spy shit? All that James Bond stuff? She could do that crap in her sleep. Just look at her. Not a goddamn man alive can tell when the bitch is lying" marveled Abe. "I don't even know what her real fucken name is. Evil lair chateau's, white dinner jackets still spotless after administering Martini and eggs benedict enema's to bad guys in guest room bathtubs, just prior to closing the deal with the silencered Luger, bring the Lada around the front Moneypenny, synchronized watches at 18:05, how many dead or alive?"

The Soviet Premiere seemed pleased with Abe's pitch and promised to immediately fast track Abe's wife directly into the KGB's most elite crack murder death squad.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/akie2_zpshmao0brv.jpg)
"Keep it dowwwwn Vlad, she doesn't know yet
and the bitch can hear a pin drop from 50 yards."


Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on June 06, 2018, 02:40:58 AM
Japan: Late Shipment Of Grot Mags Results In Govt Commission of Enquiry

--Japan Times—

All Japanese government ministers have today been called before an irate House Senate Commission of Enquiry to answer queries as to why this week's nationwide shipment of grot mags arrived a whole 7 minutes late to some households.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/edano_zpsunejo2pp.jpg)
"Mr Prime Minister, these documents are the backbone of the
 Japanese economy. Do you hate the Japanese economy, Mr
Prime Minister? DO YOU? ANSWER ME!"


"WHY can these crucial documents of national importance not be delivered on time?" pleaded Minister of All Grot Mags, Dr Edano. "WHY? The trains run on time SPECIFICALLY so We Japanese can get home in good time to have a tug to the newest edition of Junior High AKB Swimsuits. The trains do their part. And yet yesterday 8.2 billion subscribers arrived home distraught to find this month's new grot mag NOT in their mailbox. Reports indicate a good 18% of subcribers instantly offed themselves on the spot. Prime Minister Abe, why are you so keen on seeing the annihilation of the Japanese race through deprivation of Grot Mags? WHY? These full-colour illustrated documents are the staple sustenance for our entire beings, the wind beneath our wings, the reason we get out of bed in the morning, the lead in our pencils, the stiffy in our boxers, the cock in the back of some skank on the train twice a day, WHY Mr Prime Minister, WHY do you want to see the total nationwide dismantlement of all that we hold dear?"

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on June 09, 2018, 07:39:36 PM
Game Of Hide-And-Seek At G-7 Summit Ends In Stalemate

--AP Press--

A friendly game of hide-and-seek between assembled world leaders at the latest G-7 meeting has ended in an acrimonious stalemate after the US President Mr Donald Trump insisted that the other world leaders could not actually see him even though he was sitting right in front of them at the time.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/trumpabe_zpsmvemxwlx.png)
...no, no, you can't see me. And you can't prove you can see me. So I win the game. I am the President of The United States of America and my decision is final on this matter. I have won the game."

Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe sided with his stateside political ally and claimed he could not see the US President. "The other world leaders tell me President Trump is sitting right there in front of me but it is difficult for foreigners to be trusted in these matters." Trump went further by addressing German Chancellor Angela Merkel as "Himmler's mum" and told her "don't be butthurt at me just cos' you guys went 0 for 2 in the wars. This is just a small game compared to those 2 events. It's not like this loss makes you 0 and 3. Maybe 0 and 2 and a half."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on June 19, 2018, 02:37:51 AM
Trump Puts Migrant Children To Work Building His Wall.

--NY Times--

President Donald Trump has today stated that his Mexican border wall will be constructed by detained migrant children. "Some of those Mexican kids are fat as hell" said the President. "Let's face it, they could stand to lose a few pounds. Some construction work will do them good. Besides, little kids love playing with building blocks like lego and stuff. They can just think of the wall's giant concrete slabs as like big Lego building blocks. It'll be fun for them!"

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/trumpkids_zpscblyncda.jpg)
"Heyyyy kids, who wants to play a fun game?"



(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/wall_zpssndytrs3.jpg)
"Put down those concrete blocks you shithead spics, you're all fired. We've found a cheaper source of labour."


(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/trumpkids_zpscblyncda.jpg)
"You kids, once you've finished building my wall please make sure you're on the OTHER side of the wall. Not this side. Other side. It's all part of the game. It's called, uhh, hide-and-get-out."


Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on July 01, 2018, 05:56:21 PM
Japan's Crown Prince Awards ‘Bronze Medal’ To His Wife

--Japan Times--

Japan's crown prince Naruhito has awarded his wife of 25 years, the crown princess Masako, a bronze medal. "Medals are a very popular way of showing exactly where individuals stand in the order of things. So let's be frank. I get the gold, our daughter gets the silver and old mental Masako gets the bronze." beamed the 5-foot 2" monarch who is set to become Japan's next Emperor following his father's abdication from the throne in 2019.

"3rd place isn't bad for a mental" continued the crown prince. "At least she's a placegetter here in our family of three, hahaha. Also, she's 54 years old so the 'bronze' bit is my subtle little way of poking fun at her age. Like, 'she's so old she's from the Bronze Age', hahaha."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/mspaint/imp.jpg)
Masako's rope indicates she is in the process of yet another escape attempt from her
heavily-guarded fucken turret.


“Masako faces mental retard difficulties stemming from her fucked-up brain chemistry which the doctors tell me is the reason she is a nutjob" continued the 4-foot 8" crown prince. “On our 10th wedding anniversary I presented her with a diamond-encrusted straightjacket. So at least she could look a bit classy and sparkly while she is being a mental. They love shiny shit don't they? Think I read that somewhere. They're like starlings. Mental little starlings."

The crown princess responded with a pre-prepared statement which read as follows; “I would like to tender my cordial thanks to the crown prince as he has always been kind and has helped me since he forced me to fucken marry him which in turn made me become a mental."

As to what reciprocal gift royal protocol dictates Masako should give to the crown prince, the crown princess has said she may present her husband with "a shiny little tiny pair of shoes with massive fucken 5-inch platform heels so one day the 4-foot tall dwarf pygmy eunuch fuckwit can actually look me in the fucken eye."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on July 11, 2018, 06:13:39 PM
Elle Macpherson To Open Armpit Service Bay

--SMH--

Australian supermodel Elle "The Body" Macpherson is set to branch out from her highly successful Armpit Maintenance Web Blog and open up her very own Armpit Service Bay to be located in sunny downtown Wollongong, Australia.

"Yep, it'll be just like a mechanic's service bay" said the legendary supermodel over the phone. "You trundle in, we winch your arms up and we give you a thorough armpit servicing. We will offer a wide range of affordable options, from barnacle scraping to weed whacking to dog-semen oiling right up to a solid 5-minute armpit licking from one of our highly-qualified staff members."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/pitstop_zpsgza4ncxi.jpg)
"I'm sorry, what was that
second-to-last option you
just fucken said?"


"No, I'm not personally working in the armpit service bay you stupid fuckwit" barked Macpherson down the phoneline. "Like hell. You think I'm gonna spend all day foraging around some revolting bastards hairy fucking armpit, plucking out their armpit nits, disgusting little white grubs wriggling around in their bushy fucken underarm hair jungle? I'm Elle fucken Mcpherson you fuckwit, not Elle fucken McArmpitNitPicker. Dickhead."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/pitstop_zpslpdq2yqi.jpg)
"No, that's not the dog we
use for the semen oil, you
blind cunt. That's his mum."


Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on July 18, 2018, 02:54:45 AM
Local Resident Wildly Horny For Postman

--Times--

A local resident has confessed to being wildly horny for her local postie.

"I get my hair done then put on my very best pearls in the hope he notices me" sighed the randy octagenarian pensioner. "My husband is mentally handicapped so he's utterly hopeless. Plus he's 97. The decrepit old git looks like he was mistakenly left out under a neighbouring planet's acid sun for about 60 years. Ugh. Phil, I think his name is. Really, at my age, one of my few remaining joys is the dashing young postman who comes by at about this time every day."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/queen_zpsd0o3oxwr.jpg)
"He's fucking late today."

"Oh, the things I would do to that boy" continued the randy old biddy, her teeth now bared and her eyes shining fervently. "I'd take him out on a fox hunt, then 'accidentally' shoot Phil in the brains, then ravish the cherubic lad under the brambles. For heavens sake, I don't even care what mail the boy brings. Cash in envelopes, deeds to islands, MI6 UFO cover-ups, invitations to rubbish kindy openings, I just don't dashed well care. I just want that boy to take a lap on my rain-soaked Brands Hatch."


Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on July 24, 2018, 02:55:04 PM
Nuremburg Barbie and Burrito Barbie To Square Off In WWF Grudge Match

--NY Times--

Nuremburg Barbie and Burrito Barbie have agreed to meet in a pay-per-view WWF wrestling match. The president's advisor versus the children's concentration camp commandant. No holds barred. The pair have never met before in a professional wrestling match.

"I am going to fuck that nazi kiddie gitmo bitch up" yelled Nuremburg Barbie from her training camp in, ironically, Tijuana, Mexico where she now resides having defected from the U.S last year. "That predator-chinned swamp slag is going downnnnnn" retorted Burrito Barbie from behind her press pulpit at the White House.


Burrito Barbie on the left and Nuremburg Barbie on the right;
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/wrest2_zpslqagvarv.png)


...and in their wrestling garb in
this press release photograph:

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/wrest1_zpsfq1gxow2.jpg)

"After I fuck all of her shit up I will have her extradited from Mexico and incarcerated in my spic kiddie gitmo with all the other wetback dwarves" proclaimed Burrito Barbie. "My patented reverse flying suplex tortilla wrap manoeuvre will leave her in a motherfucking wheelchair. By the way, there is NO wheelchair access at my kiddie gitmo so she can sit outside in the rain crying with the other tardranching spics."

"I will bite the hair right off her fucking head" announced Nurermburg Barbie. "Then I will send the blonde locks in an envelope to Big Donnie for his latest silky-smooth pube fracking upgrade. Silky smooth, Big Donnie, silky fucking smooth."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on July 26, 2018, 05:02:01 AM
Local Man Misinterprets New Wifebeating Legislation

--NZ Herald--

A local New Zealand man has completely misinterpreted the nations new government legislature that allows up to 10 days paid domestic-violence leave.

"I thought domestic-violence leave meant the cunts at work were gonna pay me to go home and bash the old lady up" said the local idiot. "Didn't really want to smack her around so I went home and just belted the walls a few times, in case the neighbours were listening. Wouldn't want them to think I was skiving off work, without actually doing any of the paid domestic-violence thing."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/mugs/bruce.jpg)
"Bugger me, paid DV, not as easy as it sounds."

According to the parliamentary bill, the world-first legislation was actually designed to grant victims of domestic violence 10 days paid leave to allow them to leave their partners, find new homes and protect themselves and their children.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/jul/26/new-zealand-paid-domestic-violence-leave-jan-logie

"Don't know if I'll take my full 10 days allocation" continued the drongo. "Gets a bit tedious belting pots and thumping tables and biffing shit around the kitchen to fake the DV while wife is trying to watch the soapies. Bugger me, tick her off too much during her soapies and the stroppy slag might even get up off her arse and go out and get a fucken job herself, just so she can then take her 10 days paid domestic-violence leave and come home to beat the fucken shit out of me."
Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on August 03, 2018, 03:23:54 PM
Facebook Data Hack Reveals "Wollongong, Australia" As Earth's Wanking Epicentre.

--SMH—

Recent data hacks from Facebook have revealed that the epicentre of online porn consumption can be traced to a small house in Wollongong, Australia. "Yeah a bloke called Gene-o has pulled it at a bloody alarming rate since the first fucken day we started collecting stats" confided a Facebook data analyst. "Octopus bukkake, tranny grannies, donkey incest, bugger me there's basically nothing the bloke hasn't fucken tugged it to."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/mugs/geneo.jpg)
"You left out the amputee shit."
--Gene-o of Wollongong.

"Some other inhabitants of the house are also in our red zone" continued the analyst. "One individual named 'Trevor' is actually onto his third dick. He wore out the other two. Our data indicates he has perused no less than 812,922,001 video clips in the last 10 years specifically related to rooting car exhaust pipes. He is fucked in the head."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/cars/ute1_zps61dc7a54.jpg)
"This new one is some NASA shit, mate. Fucken silicon fibre."
--Mr Trevor of Wollongong

"However the most alarming statistic comes from, quite incredibly, yet another individual residing in the very same house, a Mr Wayne Gunston. He has only viewed the one video clip in the last 10 years of facebook records, however, he has viewed the one clip, which runs for 22 seconds, a chart-topping 2,902,399 times and counting. It is some sort of public dunny rooting clip where a bloke gets a urinal cake jammed up his bumcrack by some old lady. This drives Wayne wild. Sends him into the throes of sexual ecstasy. It's all he watches. He is a fucking lunatic."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/mugs/hair.jpg)
"Might sign up for this facebook shit. Could do with a new vid."
--Wayne.

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on August 19, 2018, 07:11:28 PM
Local Woman Blames Self For Own Boobs Hating Her

--USA Today—

A local woman has confessed that it's her fault that her very own boobs hate her. "They hate me" confided the tearful local woman. "I just know it. They're trying to get away from me. Sagging down, down, ever further down. I have to prop them up with wire-latticed dirigibles. Which they probably hate me for too. They just want to be free. Free to garner all the attention they know they deserve. Yet here I am, trussing them up, hiding the bottom halves of them away for half the day. I would hate me too. I do hate me. It's a vicious cycle of boobs-hate-me/self-hate/hate-self-for-boob self-hate. I'm confused. I need a lie down."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/boobs_zpsldehonwu.jpg)

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on August 21, 2018, 01:27:16 AM
Japan With "Surprise Call" At Japan/China Summit

--Japan Today--

Japan have sprung something of a diplomatic surprise at this week's Japan/China summit by abruptly abducting and murdering the Chinese Premier, Mr Lee Ving.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/japanboot_zpsfd4qovrp.jpg)
"This is the car boot you should climb into right now Mr Ving, if you wish to see your family alive again."

When queried about Japan's ransom demands immediately following the abduction, Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe (pictured above, pink tie) said "there is no ransom demand. We just hate the chinks. So we killed this one. One less of them, who cares, there's a billion more of the cross-eyed little fuckwits anyway. Don't worry, Ving's family are fine. Ving though, not so good. Bit wet I imagine. Still locked in the boot of the Prius which is now located on the bottom of the ocean floor in Tokyo Bay. Look, it was just a spur of the moment thing. I'm impulsive like that. Decisive. I make the big calls. And I just felt it was the right time to kill the Chinese Premier today. No biggie."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on August 26, 2018, 05:15:40 AM
Japanese Parliamentary Summer Bukkake Festa Kicks Off

--Japan Today--

The Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe today kicked off the 217th Annual Japanese Parliamentary Summer Bukkake Festa in fine style with the traditional cracking of the cucumber.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/abe_zpskbn3s4qk.jpg)
The ceremonial snapping of the cucumber, an occasion that has
signified the start of the Japanese Parliamentary Summer Bukkake
Festa since 1783, coincidentally, the year of the Ming Cunt Invasion.


"Oh my God his hands are so strong" swooned this years Bukkake Guest Starlet, Yuko Todai, Japan's Minister for Recreational Train Bondage. "He snapped the cucumber in half like it was nothing!"
"Yes, you're in good hands" murmured a proud Abe. "And once the entire cabinet repairs to behind closed doors, in the air-conditioned comfort of the ancient and hallowed Bukkake Chamber, half of this cucumber is going right up your shitter."
"What about the other half?"
"Makeshift ballgag to stifle your screams."
"Oh"
"The cucumber signifies, of course, the cock" continued Abe, completely unaware of the single tear now stealing down Todai's cheek. "The cracking of the phallic likeness to initiate proceedings signifies the staple tenet of the Japanese way of life, the belittlement of women, the bending and breaking of their collective will, which we focus on with libidinous myopia as the 3-day Bukkake Festa unravels. To cut a long story short, this entire basket of vegetables is going right up your clacka. Including those huge hoary great fucken big green things over there. So stop crying, pop the top, and say hello to some Japanese agriculture."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on August 30, 2018, 03:58:44 PM
English Rugby Union Schedule Seminars On "Replying To Sick Burns."

--Times--

After an England Under-20 rugby player suffered verbal abuse from an Under-20 Springbok with a "that is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock" barb, the senior England rugby team have interrupted their massive gym-pony sessions at their palatial multi-million pound squid training estate to schedule some seminars on "How To Answer Sick Burns".

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/versa_zpsinzji1mj.png)
England rugby HQ.

"Look, you pudgy snowflake petal cunts. Point one; ALWAYS take the lowest rung in order to undermine your burner, to out-sick them. First to the bottom wins. Always. Now, let's break off into pairs for some role play."

"That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock."
"Her mouth opens way wider than that."

"That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock."
"What, like a big fat white-power nazi? Crossing the line there, buddy."

"That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock."
"Why are you telling me this, I was right there last night taking polaroids of us all, you Alzheimers cunt."

"That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock."
"She'll have a wider foot plant than that, what with my dick up her arse and all."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on September 01, 2018, 04:13:48 PM
Local Man Misinterprets New Wifebeating Legislation

--NZ Herald--

A local New Zealand man has completely misinterpreted the nations new government legislature that allows up to 10 days paid domestic-violence leave.

"I thought domestic-violence leave meant the cunts at work were gonna pay me to go home to bash the old lady up" said the local idiot. "Didn't really want to smack her around as she is fairly terrifying herself so I went home and just belted the walls a few times, in case the neighbours were listening. Wouldn't want them to think I was skiving off work, without actually doing any of the paid domestic-violence thing."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/mugs/bruce.jpg)
"Bugger me, paid DV, not as easy as it sounds."

According to the parliamentary bill, the world-first legislation was actually designed to grant victims of domestic violence 10 days paid leave to allow them to leave their partners, find new homes and protect themselves and their children.

"Don't know if I'll take my full 10 days allocation" continued the drongo. "Gets a bit tedious belting pots and thumping tables and biffing shit around the kitchen to fake the DV while wife is trying to watch the soapies. Bugger me, tick her off too much during her shows and the stroppy slag might even get up off her arse and go out and get a fucken job herself, just so she can then take her 10 days paid domestic-violence leave to come home to beat the fucking shit out of me."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on September 22, 2018, 04:25:43 PM
fahkin Steve-O hawking carking it rogered up the narrative

Local Artist To Go On College Speaking Tour

--NY Times--

With many prominent figures turning down speaking invites to US colleges due to the suffocating politically-correct ideologies of the delicate millenial snowflake student bodies, it comes as somewhat of a surprise that legendary deceased punk rocker Mr GG Allin has today announced a speaking tour of US colleges set to take place this year.

Mr Allin's open casket will be wheeled out before the student unions, and, due to Mr Allin's current corporeal incapacitation, his speaking part will be provided by his long-term lyricist Dr Stephen Hawking.

First stop will be Harvard University where Mr Allin will address the Harvard Student Union through his proxy Mr Hawking with a speech entitled "Hate Fukk Sick Faeces."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/gg_zpsep9rwmox.jpg)
"Sexxx Tamponn Deth Hate Shart GAHHG."
--voiced by Mr Hawking on behalf of Mr Allin.

Mr Allin, who is now identified by the genderless pronoun of "they" after his tiny wanger rotted off in his casket, has even overseen the penning of a new song for the tour. The new track is entitled "I Am They." It will be sung by Mr Hawking to the tune of Neil Diamond's hit song "I Am I Said". (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhEaHcQgyLs)

Tea and biscuits will be served off Mr Allin's spotty soiled undergarments following the presentation.


Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on September 22, 2018, 04:28:31 PM
Local Doctor's Successful Petition For Wheelchair Access

--NY Times--

Noted black hole physicist and former GG Allin lyrical collaborator Dr Stephen Hawking has today filed a successful motion with his local elementary school's PTA requiring the establishment to install wheelchair access and elevators so he can "roll in there like Ironside toting a motherfucking AK" and shoot the place to shit.

"I'm not saying I will, but if I wake up one day, and feel like shooting up my local school, then I want wheelchair and elevator access" vocodered out the decorated doctor. "I haven't quite thought through how my useless limbs will even pick up a Glock let alone shoot one yet but it's an equation I am currently working on. I'm calling it the black hole all over your face theory."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/stevewheel_zpsoaypne0i.jpg)
"I've got a 9 in my lap.
"To take care of that.
"Caps get peeled on the regular.
"Because niggaz try to get me for my cellular."

--Dr Hawking outside his local elementary school, yesterday.
Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on September 22, 2018, 04:32:32 PM
Steve Hawking Says Poofs Could Die In Black Hole.

--NY Times--

Dr Steven Hawking has today made the stunning announcement that nonbinary identifying individuals could potentially be running the risk of being sucked into black holes.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/nonbin_zpspavwy33j.jpg)

Dr Hawking vocodered out via skype to his worldwide audience that "by not being restricted to two things or parts, nonbinary identifying individuals are therefore constructing themselves as being potentially comprised of infinite matter and are therefore potentially at risk of falling into a black hole. Also, that's how my motherfucking good buddy GG Allin died. By the way, I've been drinking all day and haven't proved this theoreoeom yet. Maybe if the poofs wore all black clothing like goths they could camouflage their nonbinary nature from the potential whirling vortex of black hole death. So wasted right now. I might start my own goth phase. Some arsehole make me a Sisters of Mercy mixtape <hic> ahh go fuck yerselves cunnn

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/stevewheel_zpsoaypne0i.jpg)
"Check out the all black threads, motherfuckers. Thanks also to my fans for the sweet Death In June/Coil/Current 93 mixtapes. No fucken black holes for little Stevie Wonder here, peace out."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on September 22, 2018, 04:35:43 PM
Steve Hawking's Final Will Request

--Times--

Today it has been revealed that the late great Dr Steve Hawking slipped one final request into his Last Will & Testament, one that has shocked and alarmed the tenured faculty at Cambridge University.

"My final wish is that following my repatriation to the great black hole in the sky, my tenured chair of cosmology at Cambridge University should be passed on to my dear, dear friend 'Steve-o' of the TV show 'Jackass'. We also have the same first name so there's no need to change the name plate on the door. Steve-o will continue my research into black holes and quantum physics. Thanks."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/steveo_zpszarqxmjm.jpg)
--Newly tenured Cambridge professor emeritus and
inventor of the jellyfish sombrero, Dr Steve-o.


Dr Steve-o has today said he is proud to continue Mr Hawking's work. "Yeah, there are definitely some black holes in my head. I will research the shit out of those things. I will also start a new fraternity on the Cambridge campus. I'll call it 'Phi Kappa Delta Force Black Hole Black Death Black Metal Party. Wheelchair jellyfish sombrero races in the quad every lunchtime in honour of my dead little science buddy Steve. HELL YEAH!'

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on September 28, 2018, 04:36:25 PM
Local Doctor Accidentally Sworn In As New Supreme Court Judge

--USA Today--

A local doctor, testifying today before a senate committee in the US, has been accidentally sworn in as a new Supreme Court judge. The post is a lifetime tenured appointment and is irrevokable. "Yeah I handed her the wrong fucken bible" said substitute stenographer Mr Gene Gunston. "Sorry bout that. Fucken Old Testament vs New Testament. Very arcane ruling visa visor differing Bibles. They tell me it was a Constitutional revision cast in stone in 1862 by some drunk fuck and remained heretofore unknown until this very day. Oh well. I'm sure Doc will knuckle down and do the biz in the Supreme Court, whatever the fuck that's all about. The other rapist judge bloke can go get back on the piss. It's all he seems to fucken do anyway."


(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/docswearing_zpsbcajslh5.png)
Doctor Ford, photographed here being
accidentally sworn in as the newest
lifetime-tenured Supreme Court judge.


Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on September 28, 2018, 06:12:16 PM
Local Judge Throws Book At Jaywalker

--USA Today--

Dec 25, 2019

Local Judge Brett Kavanaugh has today taken the unprecedented step of sentencing a jaywalker to 300 years in Supermax prison. The court stenographers report reveals the judge, half drunk as per usual, as he has been for most of the calendar year since his Supreme Court nomination was quelched after an FBI investigation, to proclaim;

"...fuck me, why is a jaywalker on trial in here... hold on... hang about.... 'Flake', that name sounds familiar... no way... no fucking way.... Jeffrey? Jeffrey fucking Flake? OH FUCK ME, fuck me Jesus, praise the Holy Trinity of Bud, Coors and Miller motherfucking Lite, it's THIS weasel turncoat CUNT, in my motherfucking shitty little backwater courtroom. Uh, let me see, I sentence you to 30 years in Supermax. Sorry, what's that? Can't hear you, cunt. Oh, you said you wanted 300 years? Fine then, be my guest, FAGGOT. Let the court record show that I am also ordering the exhumation of the corpses of Mr Jeffrey Dahmer - hey look, same first name, Flakers! - and Mr Charles Manson. SAY HELLO TO YOUR NEW CELLMATES MOTHERFUCKER! Enjoy spending the next 300 years snacking on the rotting remains of your roomies Chucky and JD! Who's got dibs on the top bunk? <maniacal laughter> Oh fuck, <sound of rustling robes> so hard right now, don't mind me if I sexually assault my own ballsack right here and now under the motherfucking desk, OH YEAH, OH FUCK, feels so good, need to repair to my chambers right fucking now for the world's greatest ever tug, court adjourned motherfuckers, get the fuck out, everyone, go fuck yourselves."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/judge_zpsa4rikslf.jpg)
"OH YEAH, OH YEAH <sound of elbows banging on wall>

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on October 03, 2018, 06:51:34 PM
Surprise U.S Supreme Court Decision

--NY Times--

A local Australian woman has surprisingly been nominated as the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States of America. "We were all goddamn motherfucking terrified of Aunty Doris" confided a US senator anonymously, still trembling with fear. "She struck the fear of God into the entire Senate Committee and we immediately ratified her nomination and hurriedly swore her in. Jesus Christ do I need a drink."

According to the newest Supreme Court Justice - to be addressed as "Aunty Doris Gunston of Wollongong fucken Australia" - she flicked on the telly and immediately knew the post was her true calling. "Plus my shithead nephew Wayne told me I am fucken perfect for the Supreme Court. I watch Judge Judy for a fucken start. Plus, there's Pizza Supreme. So where's my fucken chair cunts and get the fuck out of my way."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/cnn1_zpsomjhngk4.jpg)

Mrs Gunston has stated she has no partisan agenda. "Firm but fair, that is my policy" said the newly-appointed Judge Gunston. "I have 3 adult nephews who I still administer sound beatings to when the ugly little fucken cunts step out of line. Gene-0 with his sly dog-fucking, Wayne with his fucken urinal cakes hidden in his hair dropping out all over the fucken house and Trevor propping up deep-frozen cadavers on the bloody sofa to watch telly all night for a fucken laugh."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/cnn2_zpspjxh1s7a.jpg)

When asked as to what her stance is on capital punishment, Aunty Doris had this to say:

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/cnndoris_zpsgyvrkesj.jpg)

And furthermore, when queried as to whether she has had a meeting with Donald Trump yet, Aunty Doris stated she has already sent the President some of her patented homemade scones "but the fat cunt hasn't even written back about the fuckers yet, for fucks sake, I made the little cunts half fucken orange, just like his huge fucken head, what's not to fucken like."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/cnn3_zps6fyr1qcn.jpg)

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on October 23, 2018, 11:29:05 PM
Local Hippie Prays For Sickly Tree.

----Portland Gazette----

A local hippie has taken to the woods to maintain a silent vigil in support of a sickly tree.
"I think the tree has tree alopecia or something" said the hippie, her voice beginning to quaver. "I've been here for 6 weeks now, praying hard for the tree to make a full recovery. But nothing has happened yet. Oh, except my husband left me 3 weeks ago. Maybe Mother Nature is testing my faith in, uhh, nature. And maybe in man too."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/tree_zpspdstpks1.jpg)
The tree in question, above.
Other, less futile trees, can be seen in the distance, immediately recognisable by their leafy and bushy tree-like foliage.


"I think of this tree as, like, a metaphor for the world, man" continued the hippie. "It's like a tiny stiffy in a giant sea of pubes. Or like the last Mohican except in tree-like form. Or like, a gateway to another wo

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on November 12, 2018, 12:00:03 AM
Local Resident Furious Over Sea View

--New Zealand Herald--

A local Auckland resident is said to be furious over their "stupid" sea view. "The trees are too short to block off that revolting view of the waterway. All that wet, drippy water. It makes me seasick just to look at it. And God only knows how deep all that wet rubbish is, or what dangers are lurking beneath the surface. Even just seeing the undulating tide makes me feel discombobulated and queasy with fear and horror. And what if a tidal wave rumbles in and there are no trees to shield my eyes from the unfolding horror happening right before my very eyes? The trauma on my psyche, to witness firsthand such a epochal, destructive episode would be catastrophic. It would take me years and years and years of psychiatric therapy to recover my sane mental equilibrium."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/house3_zpsklnbkudm.jpg)
The potentially-traumatising view in question.

"I have lodged many, many compaints with my local council" continued the irate resident. "I have pleaded with them to please, please, please plant some bigger trees to block the view, for the sake of my mental wellbeing. Or even erect some sort of enormous concrete wall right in front of my house, completely blocking the ocean view. That would be fabulous and it would seem to be the humane thing to do. But no. My desperate pleas have been met with a wall of stony silence from the selfish, vicious, scenery nazis that staff the local council.

"And Good God, while I'm here, don't even get me started on my garden. It's like Day Of The Bloody Triffids out there."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/house2_zpsag3yf8gx.jpg)
The tropical nightmare garden in question.

"The little wall down there serves a valiant purpose, stopping the wild undergrowth from encroaching upon the poor defenseless grass lawn, but it's a never-ending bloody battle. It's like Borneo getting bum raped up the arse by Burma out there. My numerous requests to the local council for permission to burn this wild undergrowth with a combination of liquid petrol and fire have all been ignored. Good grief, how can I live like this. It's like some sort of third world, AIDS-ravaged, insect-despot, Lord Of The Flies jungle hellhole.

"And my actual room? Oh God. The sun streaming in at all hours of the day sends me half sunblind. And when I can finally pry my eyes open wide enough to see outside, hello, the whole place is sprouting all those stupid little jungle Bonito banana plants or whatever they hell are. And don't get me started on that enormous banana tree or whatever it is over there in the foreground of this shot. For God's sake, if I want to eat a banana I will make my way to the supermarket down the road and purchase a banana through the established vendor channels located within said establishment, thank you very much."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/house1_zpsuatc7mlb.jpg)
In the background, the glass-based panels in question that could
potentially cause sunstroke or, possibly, sunblind-derived eye paralysis.

In the foreground, some sort of hanging, horizontal, wild banana black market enterprise.

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on November 15, 2018, 03:15:07 AM
Local Villagers Ponder How To Cook Cement.

--Rwanda Times--

A group of local villagers have today announced that although they are thankful to World Vision for the organisation's kindly donation of cement bags, they feel they ought to confess that they collectively have "no fucking idea" how they are going to cook the shit.

"We thought about burning it with fire" said one villager. "But I think that might just make it angry."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/cement_zpsfoswbb8c.jpg)
"For fucks sake."
-- a local villager.

"I suspect some sort of cement broth will be the go" said one wise village elder. "Kind of a pain in the arse though. Especially frustrating after one of our local village dipshits tried to make a hut out of all the fucking steaks World Vision sent us last fucken month. Jesus, right now I am so goddamn hungry that I can't even be arsed making some wise crack about shitting bricks later on."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on November 21, 2018, 05:21:11 PM
Pakistani "Live Aid: We Are The World" Chapter Hold Public Sing-A-Long

--Islamabad-Times--

A local chapter of the "Live Aid: We Are The World" movement in Pakistan have
convened to hold an impromptu public sing-a-long about peace and freedom.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/pak_zpsmlcp8gai.jpg?t=1542757728)
"We aaaaare the worrrrld, we aaaaare the childrennnn..."

When queried as to whether the group were in fact convening in preparation to walk door-to-door in search af Asia Bibi, a local Christian woman who drank from the same cup of water as a Muslim and who therefore should be gang-raped and murdered by a court of her peers, they replied;

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/pak_zpsmlcp8gai.jpg?t=1542757728)
"All we are saaaaaaying.... is give peace a channnnnce..."

"Death by hanging, then stabbing, then burning oil, then genital mutilation, then 5,000 lashes, then an excruciatingly long talking-to, just for the supposed crime of sharing a cup of water? Come on mate, we're not barbarians" said one barbaric local Muslim zealot freelance suicide bomber, I mean peaceful public freedom singer. "Barbarians. For fucks sake. We're not the Christians here, mate. We are simply convening today in peaceful loving harmony to sing a few John Lennon protest songs to show our appreciation of peace and freedom. By the way, have you seen this fucking woman? Asking for a friend."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on November 22, 2018, 02:53:41 AM
Grunter Taylor To Open Nail Salon.

--Te Anau Gazette--

Te Anau's rugby captain Grunter Taylor is to open Te Anau's first-ever nail salon.

(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/grunter_zpsj0bjg6ho.jpg)
"Yeah. We'll be stocking nails. At the nail salon. Maybe some hammers too. That's all."

"So come on down to my nail salon and buy some nails, you fuckwits" continued Taylor. "We have nails. And maybe some hammers too. Righto."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on November 25, 2018, 08:39:13 PM
Mexicans Flee U.S Over Forest Fire Concerns

--Tijuana Times--

A family of 4 Mexicans have sprinted the fuck back to goddamn Tijuana, terrified over concerns related to the recent spate of U.S forest fires.
"We were about to enter the U.S.A" confided a kindly Mexican migrant mother of three, "when, right then, another forest fire abruptly started right fucken near us. We had to sprint for our lives before the potentially lethal flames engulfed us in their death grip. Forest fires can move at a speed of 1,200 mph and are reportedly hot as fuck."

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/mex_zpspfmdrb79.jpg)
"Run you little fucken handicapped wankers, look at that fucken smoke
there, it's obviously another deadly forest fire that's just started right there,
it might be about to burn our arses halfway up to fucking Humboldt."


The family of 4 are now safely back in Tijuana and are not currently burned to death.

Their home help, a Mrs Nuremburg Barbie, was unavailable for comment.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/kelly_zpsevhw2ln2.jpg)
"Hola, el inferno mein gash pubes kindling el diablo Hindenburger?"

--Nuremburg Barbie asking if her pubes are at risk of exploding into flames while she is living in Tijuana.

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on January 09, 2019, 07:08:56 PM
Japan With "Surprise Call" At Japan/China Summit

--Japan Today--

Japan have sprung something of a diplomatic surprise at this week's Japan/China summit by abruptly
abducting and murdering the Chinese Premier, Mr Lee Ving.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/japanboot_zpsfd4qovrp.jpg)
"This is the car boot you should climb into right now Mr Ving, if you wish to see
your family alive again."


When queried about Japan's ransom demands immediately following the abduction, Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe (pictured above, pink tie) said "there is no ransom demand. We just hate the chinks. So we killed this one. One less of them, who cares, there's a billion more of the cross-eyed little fuckwits anyway. Don't worry, Ving's family are fine. Ving though, not so good. Bit wet I imagine. Still locked in the boot of the Prius which is now located on the ocean floor of Tokyo Bay. Look, it was just a spur of the moment thing. I'm impulsive like that. Decisive. I make the big calls. And I just felt it was the right time to kill the Chinese Premier. No biggie."
Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on February 07, 2019, 09:43:06 PM
Mccaw On The Run

--NZ Herald--

Recent father and retired All Black legend Sir Richie Mccaw is reportedly on the run from the "volcanic terror" of home life with a newborn baby and has joined up with a cross-country race despite having not registered to enter the race.

"Yeah, I wasn't entered in the race" confirmed the All Black great "but the ruckus at home emanating from that new little demon thing that turned up recently, mate, I just snapped. I sprinted headlong from the house, grabbed the first race entrant I cound find, pleadingly swapped my 100th All Black cap and centurion test jersey for the blokes grotty running togs, t-shirt and race bib and here I am."

(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/mccaw_zpsjhrs3vtz.jpg)
"GET TO THE CHOPPER!"
All Black legend and reluctant father Sir Richie Mccaw, seen here sprinting
over water "so the child will lose the scent", in a panicked attempt to flee
the shrieking terror of home life.


Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on February 12, 2019, 02:21:18 AM
Nuremburg Barbie Picks Up New Sponsor.

--NY Times--

The Special Counselor to President Trump, Dr Nuremburg Barbie, has today confirmed that her new sponsor is agrochemical giant Monsanto.

(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/nurem1_zpsslw3jc4x.jpg)

"Yes, I can indeed confirm that I do have a sponsorship deal with Monsanto. They reverse-engineered a fertiliser that once I spray it all up and down my birth hatch enables me to grow incredibly long pubes. Then, once the pubus memoralis reach the required length, they can be harvested and reappropriated on top of President Trump's head" stated the Special Counsel. "Yes, I can confirm that President Trump's hair is already comprised mostly of my pubes. I would say about 98% of current growth. No further comment. No, 'Monsanto' is not a Mexican word. You must be thinking of the word 'mosquito'. That is a Mexican word. No further comment. Mattel? What has Mattel got to do with it? Yes, I am paid handsomely for my contribution to world head piece. No, President Trump and I do not jokingly call his hair 'the Tijuana Twat Tassles' for a laugh. No further comment. No, we don't call it the Taco Trump Tower Triffids either. No, there are no side effects to the fertiliser. I just have foot-long pubes that's all."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on March 11, 2019, 04:06:00 AM
Japan's Emperor Finally Secures His First Ever Grot Mag.

--Japan Today--

Japan's Emperor, at the rip old age of 96, has today secured his first ever grot mag. "Yeah, I'm set to abdicate in May so with the cameras finally buggering off I'm keen to at last have a nice, long, leisurely flog to some glossy full-colour grot mag depicting filthy gagged spunks copping gallons of muck up the shitter."

(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/emp1_zps0moq0vgj.jpg)
"Fuck me, check out the hooters on that peasant slut."


"The Empress dried up rootwise halfway through the fucking war" opined the Emperor, somewhat wistfully. "And I'm not talking about the bloody Vietnam War either. Anyway, this mag should do the trick. While The Imperial Nag is out dicking around in the garden with her fucken bug collection or some bullshit I'll whip out the imperially abdicated wang and set to work priming the royal lineage pump with an eye on extricating some blue blood geyser gush shit all over the fucken monogrammed imperial cumrag. Do not disturb, cunts."

Title: Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
Post by: Sprague Dawley on April 07, 2019, 04:10:59 PM
Japanese Prince Reveals His Plan For Japan's Future.

--Japan Today--

Japan's Prince Manabu, operating under the illusion that he is in fact next in line to the Chrysanthemum Throne, and not his grandfather, has today revealed his plan to annex China to shit.

(https://oimg.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/jroyals_zpsy8tgm209.jpg)
"Once my coronation is complete in early May I will immediately annex the living fucking shit out of those cross-eyed gook fucktards over the pond. And by cross-eyed gook fucktards, make no mistake, my able lieutenants, I do mean the infidel chinamen. They are a mongrel race of dog people not fit to polish my imperial mini-wanger."
--Prince Manabu, aged 11. Prince Manabu is 2nd in line to the throne. Not first in line.

"These marbles represent the various Chinese prefectures that will yield, in succession, before the mighty bayonets of Yamato" continued the Prince, who earlier in the evening had forced a royal courtier to do all of his homework for him at knifepoint. "By early summer, once our tank divisions have secured Peking, and once the ching-chong dog people are at heel, we the Imperial Sons of Amaterasu shall spare no mercy in setting these braying, atonal dog spawn amoeba to work in our slave-like sweatshops. Maybe making Japan's smartphone chips. Or maybe extra Pokemon cards. And maybe cake too. NO MERCY, MOTHERFUCKERS. Right then, can I go outside and play now please mummy? I've done all of my homework, I promise."