Author Topic: Garden Shed  (Read 2992 times)

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Sprague Dawley

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Garden Shed
« on: May 12, 2018, 05:45:33 PM »
United States of America Civil Defence Brochure

Dial L for Switzerland.

Verse 5:12 in the Bible?

What is it?

Oops, too slow, radiation on the cock, oh shi

ALWAYS wash your hands thoroughly
before dialling "L" for Switzerland.

A car aerial this large will alert terrorists as to your
whereabouts within seconds. Jesus. Just use a
fucken coat hangar like everyone else.

In the event of biological agents stripping your face of it's features
 and causing your body to grow to grotesque proportions:

1. Proceed indoors in a calm, orderly fashion (mind your head.)

2. Stay there, out of public view.

3. Await further instructions, ELEPHANT MAN.

"Yeahhh, might get that as a cool new tattoo around my bumhole."

Meanwhile, all the fish are dying from radiation poisoning.

In the event of a terrorist attack, quickly throttle yourself.
Ignore the colors and move briskly towards the light.

This is an " interactive" diagram.

1. Turn on your computer speakers.

2. Press your nose close to the diagram.

3. Smell anything?

Back up, Beaker.

In the time you have wasted reading this, a lethal nerve gas has infiltrated your computer whilst Agent Orange (above, centre) has incapacitated your family and loved ones in the other room.

Nice one, NOAM.

As the biological agents take effect and you grow to monstrous
size, remember to DUCK AND ROLL, concealing your face as your
 appearance becomes increasingly hideous.

Keep your head out of the clouds.
Terrorists exploit overconfidence.

Ignore exits with oversized red arrows partially jammed in the door.


Don't be a hero.
As you cower and stave off the inevitable, you
may as well attempt to fellate yourself one last time.

Ignore the hand and the arrows.
Why is the door elevated? Are you at sea?
Where did you wake up this morning? THINK.

To thwart the terrorist, one must think like the terrorist.

Memorise elaborate escape routes.

2 days after exposure to radiation your body is longer than two entire city blocks.

Forget "Elephant Man". Head straight to Roswell.

Give my regards to Broadway, Roswell.

Start spreading the news.

Argument with the spouse?
Let it go.
File it away.
Then cometh the hour, calmly proceed to your
basement fallout shelter and lock that bitch out.


Which one DAMNIT, which ONE?

There are no wires.

In your haste you have misinterpreted the diagram.


In the event of a terrorist attack you have roughly 10 minutes to sell
all of your shit and head straight to Switzerland (see following diagram)

« Last Edit: July 22, 2018, 06:31:48 PM by Sprague Dawley »
"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Garden Shed
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2018, 04:53:01 AM »
How to register an account at...
The Expat Press Forums.

- by Xavier "X-Man" Jones.
(Expat Press Staff Tech Support)

Hello, thick wankers.

Have you just failed an internet-record 703 attempts at guessing the "capcha" in order to register your fuckhead self a shitty forlorn account at the completely fuckin' empty Expat Press forums?


I designed the capcha specifically to keep ugly wankers like you OUT of the fucken forum.


However, if you are desperate to join, here is how to do it.

I built the registration hay wire myself so can safely vouch for this, the ONLY route of finally getting your shitty black wog spic racist cunt self registered at the forii generalis.

First, for the capcha, depress the F3 and Caps Lock/Prt Scr keys simultaneously for 20 minutes, this will eventually pull up the file diagrammed below.

Once you have the file up, simply follow this self-explanatory pathway until you get to "Rest of Brain":

Stupid cunt.

So sick of explaining this basic shit to you newbie wankers.

Next, press F9/S2/alt/porn very gently to enact automatic internet level calibration protocols.

For example, here's mine:

Next up, those tricky registration questions. Who wrote The King in Yellow? Who wrote Mount Analogue? Who gives a fucken shit! You've got better things to do than traipsing around google searching for some old fuckhead hippie wanker book that no cunt likes.

Bypass that horseshit by typing in F7 with Alt/Tab/Proxy, that should bring up the file below, execute and validate, which should prompt the greek code decoder which will decrypt those fucking book authors names that no cunt has ever heard of.

Let the programme run for a week or two, that should do it.

By Day 3 you should be at the stage diagrammed above.

Next phase, colour-key-F6/Y6#hashtag to retrieve your Message Board Tone Analysis Predicator.

Here's mine:

This will automatically lead you to the next stage, your Registration Greek Distributor Cap Phaser:

Obviously you just type in "E3" here.

Stupid newbie cunt.

Next, set AH228 Tab Hashtag E2 parameters via Linux for your paramafied Forii Member Breakdown Analysis Adjudicator.

Here's mine:

Finally, specify H2/F9/Ctrl to abbrogrify your Internet Activity Breakdown paramafication.

Here's mine:

Hey presto!

Welcome to the forum!

Time to get your cunt on!

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Garden Shed
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2018, 02:37:26 AM »
Japan LDP Stonemason's Bukkake Summit

Greetings, Ministers.

Yuko Tojo here.

Granddaughter of your great compatriot, statesman, fallen leader and national hero, the immortal, the great, Dr General Tojo. R.I.P.

Profile of my grandfather's arse.

My niggers and assorted motherfuckers, if you are reading this, then it is ALL FUCKING ON.


Yes, YOU are on the mailing list for this year's Liberal Democratic Party Stonemason's Bukkake Summit. I will be working the door this year. And this year's edition promises to be the best one ever! Maybe even better than the legendary 2013 Summit!

Who could forget the timeless spectacle of the entire cabinet emerging from 3 days of hectic cum depositing all over some wretched little vagrant slut.... and every one of the ministers emerging wearing hastily-procured trousers due to the massive fire hose deluge of sperm stainage blotched all over their best strides? WHO?

"Well then... this is awkward......"

Anyway, here is the Official List of this years invitees and if you're not on this list then holy shit motherfucker, you should not even be reading this.

Shinzo Abe
Prime Minister

Doing great work for the nation. He is now so very, very close to altering the pathetic limpdick National Constitution that forbids We Japanese from bearing arms.

Any day now we can FINALLY resume the push through Manchuria and beyond, to claim back our rightful motherfucking colonies from the cross-eyed gookisphere.

Taro Aso
Minister of Grot Mags and Entire Grot Portfolio.

Taro might not know how to read or write but he knows how to man the pump.

The Man Pump!



Legendary shot above of Koizumi leaving the 2008 Summit wearing a change of pants after his main suit strides were irrepairably stained with what was believed to be in excess of 75 litres of cum silo spermage.

Koizumi is old as shit now but I reckon there's still some tartare dicksnot left in the old faucet!

Minister of ?

Who is this shady cunt? I'm fucked if I know. Still, he must be doing something right if he's on this list. Come on down Kono, Minister of fuck-knows-what, and enjoy 3 days of leisurely beating off all over some starlet's tits. All on the taxpayers dime.

Minister of Tea and Photocopies.

HOLY SHIT. It's this years chick. Even I'm getting randy. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME. WE MIGHT HAVE TO ADD A 4TH DAY. Wheel in the Iron Lung goddamnit cos this bitch is going to need it.

Minister of Nationalism.

The Governor. He brought the Olympics to Tokyo and let me tell you, next weekend there is going to be some Olympian wanking going on all over the tea lady's hair, her teeth, her funbags, face, eyelids, gruds and neck. A decathlon of dick. A repecharge of rape. A velodrome of vag. A peloton of prepuce. A snatch and jerk of, uh, snatch and jerk. A pentathlon of penii.

Nuremberg Barbie.
Special Guest!

Don't worry, she will of course NOT be permitted entrance into the main Bukkake Amphitheatre. Only one chick at a time in the Theatre of Dreams, obviously. We don't want two childish little slags getting together and forming a fucken trade union or some shit.

Nuremberg Barbie will be working the main lobby. Stiffy killer you say? Did I neglect to mention that she will be decked out in FULL Nazi regalia? Tojo todgers at full-mast baby!

Bruce Saint
Australian Envoy in Tokyo.

"Yeah mate ya got any little kids coming to this shindig? Asking for a fucken friend cunt."

Minister of Financial Improprieties.

The dark horse. The shadow boss. The Kumstain Kingpin. He's been running the country since Nuremburg Barbie was gargling candied cocks down by the docks after dark on school nights.

General Tojo's mummified corpse.

My grandfather.


The load-shooting is going to be epic.

I hope gramps casket came with a mummified brolly cos' it's going to be raining spunk!

Ex-Prime Minister.

Now aged 100. Holy shit. Might have to wheel in Nuremberg Barbie for this one.

Anywho, that's the whole list of invitees.

No need to bring a plate.

Just cock.

-Yuko Tojo.

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Garden Shed
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2019, 03:10:18 AM »
New **COMPULSORY** Japanese Citizenship Test for all you gaijin:
"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."


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Re: Garden Shed
« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2019, 07:16:00 AM »
I resent being called a monkey.


Sprague Dawley

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Re: Garden Shed
« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2019, 04:05:22 PM »
i failed it too.

of course.

We Japanese will do entire human race favour and execute you. Don't worry we wont tell you mummy your test result. It was total fuckup. You even missed clicking inside multi choice circle box for some quastion l0ll

whan making the POS I totalyy fucked up the score allotment and the grading. there7s about 5 grades in there, from 0-100%, i7ve taken the stupid test about 10 times but keep getting the same 2 grades, "Monkey Boy" and "Execution". Oh well, no use fighting the tea leaves.

fun to make though. might take a burl on the US and UK versions. and then the final challenge, the final frontier, yes, you guessed it, The North Sentinels Citizenship Test.
"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Garden Shed
« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2019, 07:57:21 PM »

"Log off that highly addictive dog-rooting website for five fucking minutes and GET FUCKING BLOGGING, you deadbeat millenial shithead!"

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6. #7

"Wow, those dogs are really going at it!"

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"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Garden Shed
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2019, 06:00:27 AM »
101 Ways To Be Gloomier

Gidday cunts.

Wayne Gunston here.

Dr fucken Wayne-o here.

Now then, down to business. Are you sick of seeing all these happy fucken wankers all over the place? Fuck me, I am. There they are, fucken walking around with a spry spring to their step, smiling, sharing a laugh with their fuckwit friend over this or that, sometimes even waving their hair around in the sunlight as the throw their head back and laugh out loud in broad fucken daylight. Fuck these happy arseholes. You don't want to mistaken for one of these overbearing cunts with their sunny dispositions and fuckhead kale yoga lattes.

So read along to this helpful lifestyle blog entry entitled 101 Ways To Be Gloomier by me, Dr fucken Wayne Gunston.

Avoid Nature.

Getting outside in the fresh air is always a dumb fucken move. Whether it's driving rain or howling wind or standing in dogshit or some other miserable nature bullshit that befalls you, it is **ALWAYS** a fucken mistake to leave the fucken house. You go outside and oh, look, it's a dirty great fucking HILL you now have to walk up to get where you were stupidly intending to go. Fuck that shit. Go back inside. Dickhead. This neatly segues us into Point 2...

Fuck Being Active.

Physical activity causes your brain to release dystropical enzymes which can cause heart attacks in your brain. I know this because I've been at home all day smoking urinal cakes while sitting on the sofa. So stay on the sofa and watch your usual fucking horseshit on TV in order to avoid these potentially lethal enzymes. See, your breathing has returned to normal. Plus no cunt ever got fucken skin cancer via the sun by whacking it to Days Of Our Lives.

Eat Shit.

Did you know there is a 15% chance that you could reach 90 years of age if you eat seaweed and sip a bird sperm smoothie every morning for fucken breakfast? Wouldn't that be a treat! Fuck all that shit. Load up on grog and hamburgers and sausies and bikkies. Earth, you will not miss. Fuuuuuuuuck yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

Avoid Positive Cunts.

I simply cannot stress this one enough, you fuckwits. You need to avoid all positive cunts. Their good will and feelgood vibe is Highly Fucking Suspicious, not to mention completely unsustainable as a life-simulating simulacrum. It is also 100% fucken fake. As soon as the doors close these cunts are maudlin old misery-guts just like you. Being a miserable cunt is the natural state of humanity so **AVOID** all fuckwits who glibly and pretentiously pretend to be otherwise. If you're backed into a corner and find yourself **HAVING** to interact with another human then make sure that the human is a negative cunt. Just like you. They're you're fucken people! Thank fuck this cunt is a piece of shit too!

Practice Pessimism. You're going to die. Tomorrow will be worse. Cry now, cry later. These are just a few helpful mantras you can repeat to yourself as you have your mid-morning tug. This is something that takes exactly what its labeled: practice. Whack and chant. Repeat after me, whack and chant. You can do it! No, you don't need to be ambidextrous to whack and chant at the same time Trevor you fucken dumbarse. Being pessimistic and negative all the time can seem difficult or unrealistic, but the more we practice, the better we get! Start out with one little thing that tends to annoy or irritate those around you during a given day and make a promise to yourself to try to exploit this discomfort in a negative way. If this insidiously planned negativity seems hopelessly beyond your reach as a budding negative cunt then try waking up each day and saying aloud "thank fuck dozens of cunts will have a shit day today."

Never Forgive Any Fucker.

Have you ever heard the quote holding onto anger is like drinking blood while some poor prick in the ICU is waiting for a blood transfusion? Yeah that's from Plato so a dumb cunt like you probably wouldn't know it. This quote holds so much truth. When you hold a grudge and harbour anger for someone or something, it will fuel your negativity like a glowing fucken sun. Every day aim to make your sun burn brighter. The sun is essential to maintain life on earth. Do you want to the sun to go out? If there's no sun and it's dark all day you might accidentally drink orange juice instead of grog when you can't see the label on the bottle. Do you want a life without grog? Think! Fucking think these things through! Actions have consequences. So work on harbouring your grudges, feed them, fuel them, let them burn, pray for fire on the sun.

NEVER Have A Pet.

They're needy little shits. If I had a pet I would name it "Born Annoying" and tell it to fuck off.

Never Smile.

Smiling is shady as shit. Anyone who smiles at you is either a hippie, a druggie or a pedo. Fuck that shit. Smiling is unrealistic. What does this leering smiley cunt want? Clint didn't smile once in 18 spaghetti westerns so there's no fucken reason a dipshit like you should start smiling at randos like there's a Jim Jones cookout in your pants. Pedo cunt.

Don't Talk To Any Fucker.

Staying silent is Gloomy Cunt 101. Why fucken bother? Small talk about the weather (shit) telly (shit) family (hopefully near death) is all just a waste of grog-in-mouth time. You didn't see Clint yakking about fucken petunias and azaleas in his new cabbage patch during any one of his epic 27 spaghetti westerns did you? Dickhead.

Go To Work Then Fucken Die, You Fuckwit.

Stop daydreaming about avoiding the inevitable. Go to work then fucken die. Cunt.


"There were going to be 101 ways to be gloomier but I covered the cunt in 10 so get fucked."
Dr Wayne-o.

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."