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Author Topic: Daily Mainichi News Wire  (Read 23205 times)

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Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #15 on: September 22, 2018, 04:28:31 PM »

Local Doctor's Successful Petition For Wheelchair Access

--NY Times--

Noted black hole physicist and former GG Allin lyrical collaborator Dr Stephen Hawking has today filed a successful motion with his local elementary school's PTA requiring the establishment to install wheelchair access and elevators so he can "roll in there like Ironside toting a motherfucking AK" and shoot the place to shit.

"I'm not saying I will, but if I wake up one day, and feel like shooting up my local school, then I want wheelchair and elevator access" vocodered out the decorated doctor. "I haven't quite thought through how my useless limbs will even pick up a Glock let alone shoot one yet but it's an equation I am currently working on. I'm calling it the black hole all over your face theory."


"I've got a 9 in my lap.
"To take care of that.
"Caps get peeled on the regular.
"Because niggaz try to get me for my cellular."

--Dr Hawking outside his local elementary school, yesterday.
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Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #16 on: September 22, 2018, 04:32:32 PM »

Steve Hawking Says Poofs Could Die In Black Hole.

--NY Times--

Dr Steven Hawking has today made the stunning announcement that nonbinary identifying individuals could potentially be running the risk of being sucked into black holes.



Dr Hawking vocodered out via skype to his worldwide audience that "by not being restricted to two things or parts, nonbinary identifying individuals are therefore constructing themselves as being potentially comprised of infinite matter and are therefore potentially at risk of falling into a black hole. Also, that's how my motherfucking good buddy GG Allin died. By the way, I've been drinking all day and haven't proved this theoreoeom yet. Maybe if the poofs wore all black clothing like goths they could camouflage their nonbinary nature from the potential whirling vortex of black hole death. So wasted right now. I might start my own goth phase. Some arsehole make me a Sisters of Mercy mixtape <hic> ahh go fuck yerselves cunnn


"Check out the all black threads, motherfuckers. Thanks also to my fans for the sweet Death In June/Coil/Current 93 mixtapes. No fucken black holes for little Stevie Wonder here, peace out."

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Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #17 on: September 22, 2018, 04:35:43 PM »

Steve Hawking's Final Will Request

--Times--

Today it has been revealed that the late great Dr Steve Hawking slipped one final request into his Last Will & Testament, one that has shocked and alarmed the tenured faculty at Cambridge University.

"My final wish is that following my repatriation to the great black hole in the sky, my tenured chair of cosmology at Cambridge University should be passed on to my dear, dear friend 'Steve-o' of the TV show 'Jackass'. We also have the same first name so there's no need to change the name plate on the door. Steve-o will continue my research into black holes and quantum physics. Thanks."


--Newly tenured Cambridge professor emeritus and
inventor of the jellyfish sombrero, Dr Steve-o.


Dr Steve-o has today said he is proud to continue Mr Hawking's work. "Yeah, there are definitely some black holes in my head. I will research the shit out of those things. I will also start a new fraternity on the Cambridge campus. I'll call it 'Phi Kappa Delta Force Black Hole Black Death Black Metal Party. Wheelchair jellyfish sombrero races in the quad every lunchtime in honour of my dead little science buddy Steve. HELL YEAH!'

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #18 on: September 28, 2018, 04:36:25 PM »

Local Doctor Accidentally Sworn In As New Supreme Court Judge

--USA Today--

A local doctor, testifying today before a senate committee in the US, has been accidentally sworn in as a new Supreme Court judge. The post is a lifetime tenured appointment and is irrevokable. "Yeah I handed her the wrong fucken bible" said substitute stenographer Mr Gene Gunston. "Sorry bout that. Fucken Old Testament vs New Testament. Very arcane ruling visa visor differing Bibles. They tell me it was a Constitutional revision cast in stone in 1862 by some drunk fuck and remained heretofore unknown until this very day. Oh well. I'm sure Doc will knuckle down and do the biz in the Supreme Court, whatever the fuck that's all about. The other rapist judge bloke can go get back on the piss. It's all he seems to fucken do anyway."



Doctor Ford, photographed here being
accidentally sworn in as the newest
lifetime-tenured Supreme Court judge.


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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #19 on: September 28, 2018, 06:12:16 PM »

Local Judge Throws Book At Jaywalker

--USA Today--

Dec 25, 2019

Local Judge Brett Kavanaugh has today taken the unprecedented step of sentencing a jaywalker to 300 years in Supermax prison. The court stenographers report reveals the judge, half drunk as per usual, as he has been for most of the calendar year since his Supreme Court nomination was quelched after an FBI investigation, to proclaim;

"...fuck me, why is a jaywalker on trial in here... hold on... hang about.... 'Flake', that name sounds familiar... no way... no fucking way.... Jeffrey? Jeffrey fucking Flake? OH FUCK ME, fuck me Jesus, praise the Holy Trinity of Bud, Coors and Miller motherfucking Lite, it's THIS weasel turncoat CUNT, in my motherfucking shitty little backwater courtroom. Uh, let me see, I sentence you to 30 years in Supermax. Sorry, what's that? Can't hear you, cunt. Oh, you said you wanted 300 years? Fine then, be my guest, FAGGOT. Let the court record show that I am also ordering the exhumation of the corpses of Mr Jeffrey Dahmer - hey look, same first name, Flakers! - and Mr Charles Manson. SAY HELLO TO YOUR NEW CELLMATES MOTHERFUCKER! Enjoy spending the next 300 years snacking on the rotting remains of your roomies Chucky and JD! Who's got dibs on the top bunk? <maniacal laughter> Oh fuck, <sound of rustling robes> so hard right now, don't mind me if I sexually assault my own ballsack right here and now under the motherfucking desk, OH YEAH, OH FUCK, feels so good, need to repair to my chambers right fucking now for the world's greatest ever tug, court adjourned motherfuckers, get the fuck out, everyone, go fuck yourselves."


"OH YEAH, OH YEAH <sound of elbows banging on wall>

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Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #20 on: October 03, 2018, 06:51:34 PM »

Surprise U.S Supreme Court Decision

--NY Times--

A local Australian woman has surprisingly been nominated as the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States of America. "We were all goddamn motherfucking terrified of Aunty Doris" confided a US senator anonymously, still trembling with fear. "She struck the fear of God into the entire Senate Committee and we immediately ratified her nomination and hurriedly swore her in. Jesus Christ do I need a drink."

According to the newest Supreme Court Justice - to be addressed as "Aunty Doris Gunston of Wollongong fucken Australia" - she flicked on the telly and immediately knew the post was her true calling. "Plus my shithead nephew Wayne told me I am fucken perfect for the Supreme Court. I watch Judge Judy for a fucken start. Plus, there's Pizza Supreme. So where's my fucken chair cunts and get the fuck out of my way."



Mrs Gunston has stated she has no partisan agenda. "Firm but fair, that is my policy" said the newly-appointed Judge Gunston. "I have 3 adult nephews who I still administer sound beatings to when the ugly little fucken cunts step out of line. Gene-0 with his sly dog-fucking, Wayne with his fucken urinal cakes hidden in his hair dropping out all over the fucken house and Trevor propping up deep-frozen cadavers on the bloody sofa to watch telly all night for a fucken laugh."



When asked as to what her stance is on capital punishment, Aunty Doris had this to say:



And furthermore, when queried as to whether she has had a meeting with Donald Trump yet, Aunty Doris stated she has already sent the President some of her patented homemade scones "but the fat cunt hasn't even written back about the fuckers yet, for fucks sake, I made the little cunts half fucken orange, just like his huge fucken head, what's not to fucken like."


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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #21 on: November 12, 2018, 12:00:03 AM »

Local Resident Furious Over Sea View

--New Zealand Herald--

A local Auckland resident is said to be furious over their "stupid" sea view. "The trees are too short to block off that revolting view of the waterway. All that wet, drippy water. It makes me seasick just to look at it. And God only knows how deep all that wet rubbish is, or what dangers are lurking beneath the surface. Even just seeing the undulating tide makes me feel discombobulated and queasy with fear and horror. And what if a tidal wave rumbles in and there are no trees to shield my eyes from the unfolding horror happening right before my very eyes? The trauma on my psyche, to witness firsthand such a epochal, destructive episode would be catastrophic. It would take me years and years and years of psychiatric therapy to recover my sane mental equilibrium."


The potentially-traumatising view in question.

"I have lodged many, many compaints with my local council" continued the irate resident. "I have pleaded with them to please, please, please plant some bigger trees to block the view, for the sake of my mental wellbeing. Or even erect some sort of enormous concrete wall right in front of my house, completely blocking the ocean view. That would be fabulous and it would seem to be the humane thing to do. But no. My desperate pleas have been met with a wall of stony silence from the selfish, vicious, scenery nazis that staff the local council.

"And Good God, while I'm here, don't even get me started on my garden. It's like Day Of The Bloody Triffids out there."


The tropical nightmare garden in question.

"The little wall down there serves a valiant purpose, stopping the wild undergrowth from encroaching upon the poor defenseless grass lawn, but it's a never-ending bloody battle. It's like Borneo getting bum raped up the arse by Burma out there. My numerous requests to the local council for permission to burn this wild undergrowth with a combination of liquid petrol and fire have all been ignored. Good grief, how can I live like this. It's like some sort of third world, AIDS-ravaged, insect-despot, Lord Of The Flies jungle hellhole.

"And my actual room? Oh God. The sun streaming in at all hours of the day sends me half sunblind. And when I can finally pry my eyes open wide enough to see outside, hello, the whole place is sprouting all those stupid little jungle Bonito banana plants or whatever they hell are. And don't get me started on that enormous banana tree or whatever it is over there in the foreground of this shot. For God's sake, if I want to eat a banana I will make my way to the supermarket down the road and purchase a banana through the established vendor channels located within said establishment, thank you very much."


In the background, the glass-based panels in question that could
potentially cause sunstroke or, possibly, sunblind-derived eye paralysis.

In the foreground, some sort of hanging, horizontal, wild banana black market enterprise.

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #22 on: November 15, 2018, 03:15:07 AM »

Local Villagers Ponder How To Cook Cement.

--Rwanda Times--

A group of local villagers have today announced that although they are thankful to World Vision for the organisation's kindly donation of cement bags, they feel they ought to confess that they collectively have "no fucking idea" how they are going to cook the shit.

"We thought about burning it with fire" said one villager. "But I think that might just make it angry."


"For fucks sake."
-- a local villager.

"I suspect some sort of cement broth will be the go" said one wise village elder. "Kind of a pain in the arse though. Especially frustrating after one of our local village dipshits tried to make a hut out of all the fucking steaks World Vision sent us last fucken month. Jesus, right now I am so goddamn hungry that I can't even be arsed making some wise crack about shitting bricks later on."

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #23 on: November 21, 2018, 05:21:11 PM »

Pakistani "Live Aid: We Are The World" Chapter Hold Public Sing-A-Long

--Islamabad-Times--

A local chapter of the "Live Aid: We Are The World" movement in Pakistan have
convened to hold an impromptu public sing-a-long about peace and freedom.


"We aaaaare the worrrrld, we aaaaare the childrennnn..."

When queried as to whether the group were in fact convening in preparation to walk door-to-door in search af Asia Bibi, a local Christian woman who drank from the same cup of water as a Muslim and who therefore should be gang-raped and murdered by a court of her peers, they replied;


"All we are saaaaaaying.... is give peace a channnnnce..."

"Death by hanging, then stabbing, then burning oil, then genital mutilation, then 5,000 lashes, then an excruciatingly long talking-to, just for the supposed crime of sharing a cup of water? Come on mate, we're not barbarians" said one barbaric local Muslim zealot freelance suicide bomber, I mean peaceful public freedom singer. "Barbarians. For fucks sake. We're not the Christians here, mate. We are simply convening today in peaceful loving harmony to sing a few John Lennon protest songs to show our appreciation of peace and freedom. By the way, have you seen this fucking woman? Asking for a friend."

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #24 on: November 22, 2018, 02:53:41 AM »

Grunter Taylor To Open Nail Salon.

--Te Anau Gazette--

Te Anau's rugby captain Grunter Taylor is to open Te Anau's first-ever nail salon.


"Yeah. We'll be stocking nails. At the nail salon. Maybe some hammers too. That's all."

"So come on down to my nail salon and buy some nails, you fuckwits" continued Taylor. "We have nails. And maybe some hammers too. Righto."

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #25 on: November 25, 2018, 08:39:13 PM »

Mexicans Flee U.S Over Forest Fire Concerns

--Tijuana Times--

A family of 4 Mexicans have sprinted the fuck back to goddamn Tijuana, terrified over concerns related to the recent spate of U.S forest fires.
"We were about to enter the U.S.A" confided a kindly Mexican migrant mother of three, "when, right then, another forest fire abruptly started right fucken near us. We had to sprint for our lives before the potentially lethal flames engulfed us in their death grip. Forest fires can move at a speed of 1,200 mph and are reportedly hot as fuck."


"Run you little fucken handicapped wankers, look at that fucken smoke
there, it's obviously another deadly forest fire that's just started right there,
it might be about to burn our arses halfway up to fucking Humboldt."


The family of 4 are now safely back in Tijuana and are not currently burned to death.

Their home help, a Mrs Nuremburg Barbie, was unavailable for comment.


"Hola, el inferno mein gash pubes kindling el diablo Hindenburger?"

--Nuremburg Barbie asking if her pubes are at risk of exploding into flames while she is living in Tijuana.

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #26 on: January 09, 2019, 07:08:56 PM »

Japan With "Surprise Call" At Japan/China Summit

--Japan Today--

Japan have sprung something of a diplomatic surprise at this week's Japan/China summit by abruptly
abducting and murdering the Chinese Premier, Mr Lee Ving.


"This is the car boot you should climb into right now Mr Ving, if you wish to see
your family alive again."


When queried about Japan's ransom demands immediately following the abduction, Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe (pictured above, pink tie) said "there is no ransom demand. We just hate the chinks. So we killed this one. One less of them, who cares, there's a billion more of the cross-eyed little fuckwits anyway. Don't worry, Ving's family are fine. Ving though, not so good. Bit wet I imagine. Still locked in the boot of the Prius which is now located on the ocean floor of Tokyo Bay. Look, it was just a spur of the moment thing. I'm impulsive like that. Decisive. I make the big calls. And I just felt it was the right time to kill the Chinese Premier. No biggie."
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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #27 on: February 07, 2019, 09:43:06 PM »

Mccaw On The Run

--NZ Herald--

Recent father and retired All Black legend Sir Richie Mccaw is reportedly on the run from the "volcanic terror" of home life with a newborn baby and has joined up with a cross-country race despite having not registered to enter the race.

"Yeah, I wasn't entered in the race" confirmed the All Black great "but the ruckus at home emanating from that new little demon thing that turned up recently, mate, I just snapped. I sprinted headlong from the house, grabbed the first race entrant I cound find, pleadingly swapped my 100th All Black cap and centurion test jersey for the blokes grotty running togs, t-shirt and race bib and here I am."


"GET TO THE CHOPPER!"
All Black legend and reluctant father Sir Richie Mccaw, seen here sprinting
over water "so the child will lose the scent", in a panicked attempt to flee
the shrieking terror of home life.


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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #28 on: February 12, 2019, 02:21:18 AM »

Nuremburg Barbie Picks Up New Sponsor.

--NY Times--

The Special Counselor to President Trump, Dr Nuremburg Barbie, has today confirmed that her new sponsor is agrochemical giant Monsanto.



"Yes, I can indeed confirm that I do have a sponsorship deal with Monsanto. They reverse-engineered a fertiliser that once I spray it all up and down my birth hatch enables me to grow incredibly long pubes. Then, once the pubus memoralis reach the required length, they can be harvested and reappropriated on top of President Trump's head" stated the Special Counsel. "Yes, I can confirm that President Trump's hair is already comprised mostly of my pubes. I would say about 98% of current growth. No further comment. No, 'Monsanto' is not a Mexican word. You must be thinking of the word 'mosquito'. That is a Mexican word. No further comment. Mattel? What has Mattel got to do with it? Yes, I am paid handsomely for my contribution to world head piece. No, President Trump and I do not jokingly call his hair 'the Tijuana Twat Tassles' for a laugh. No further comment. No, we don't call it the Taco Trump Tower Triffids either. No, there are no side effects to the fertiliser. I just have foot-long pubes that's all."

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #29 on: April 07, 2019, 04:10:59 PM »

Japanese Prince Reveals His Plan For Japan's Future.

--Japan Today--

Japan's Prince Manabu, operating under the illusion that he is in fact next in line to the Chrysanthemum Throne, and not his grandfather, has today revealed his plan to annex China to shit.


"Once my coronation is complete in early May I will immediately annex the living fucking shit out of those cross-eyed gook fucktards over the pond. And by cross-eyed gook fucktards, make no mistake, my able lieutenants, I do mean the infidel chinamen. They are a mongrel race of dog people not fit to polish my imperial mini-wanger."
--Prince Manabu, aged 11. Prince Manabu is 2nd in line to the throne. Not first in line.

"These marbles represent the various Chinese prefectures that will yield, in succession, before the mighty bayonets of Yamato" continued the Prince, who earlier in the evening had forced a royal courtier to do all of his homework for him at knifepoint. "By early summer, once our tank divisions have secured Peking, and once the ching-chong dog people are at heel, we the Imperial Sons of Amaterasu shall spare no mercy in setting these braying, atonal dog spawn amoeba to work in our slave-like sweatshops. Maybe making Japan's smartphone chips. Or maybe extra Pokemon cards. And maybe cake too. NO MERCY, MOTHERFUCKERS. Right then, can I go outside and play now please mummy? I've done all of my homework, I promise."

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