Author Topic: Daily Mainichi News Wire  (Read 10545 times)

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Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #30 on: February 07, 2019, 09:43:06 PM »
Mccaw On The Run

--NZ Herald--

Recent father and retired All Black legend Sir Richie Mccaw is reportedly on the run from the "volcanic terror" of home life with a newborn baby and has joined up with a cross-country race despite having not registered to enter the race.

"Yeah, I wasn't entered in the race" confirmed the All Black great "but the ruckus at home emanating from that new little demon thing that turned up recently, mate, I just snapped. I sprinted headlong from the house, grabbed the first race entrant I cound find, pleadingly swapped my 100th All Black cap and centurion test jersey for the blokes grotty running togs, t-shirt and race bib and here I am."


"GET TO THE CHOPPER!"
All Black legend and reluctant father Sir Richie Mccaw, seen here sprinting
over water "so the child will lose the scent", in a panicked attempt to flee
the shrieking terror of home life.


"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #31 on: February 12, 2019, 02:21:18 AM »
Nuremburg Barbie Picks Up New Sponsor.

--NY Times--

The Special Counselor to President Trump, Dr Nuremburg Barbie, has today confirmed that her new sponsor is agrochemical giant Monsanto.



"Yes, I can indeed confirm that I do have a sponsorship deal with Monsanto. They reverse-engineered a fertiliser that once I spray it all up and down my birth hatch enables me to grow incredibly long pubes. Then, once the pubus memoralis reach the required length, they can be harvested and reappropriated on top of President Trump's head" stated the Special Counsel. "Yes, I can confirm that President Trump's hair is already comprised mostly of my pubes. I would say about 98% of current growth. No further comment. No, 'Monsanto' is not a Mexican word. You must be thinking of the word 'mosquito'. That is a Mexican word. No further comment. Mattel? What has Mattel got to do with it? Yes, I am paid handsomely for my contribution to world head piece. No, President Trump and I do not jokingly call his hair 'the Tijuana Twat Tassles' for a laugh. No further comment. No, we don't call it the Taco Trump Tower Triffids either. No, there are no side effects to the fertiliser. I just have foot-long pubes that's all."

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #32 on: March 11, 2019, 04:06:00 AM »
Japan's Emperor Finally Secures His First Ever Grot Mag.

--Japan Today--

Japan's Emperor, at the rip old age of 96, has today secured his first ever grot mag. "Yeah, I'm set to abdicate in May so with the cameras finally buggering off I'm keen to at last have a nice, long, leisurely flog to some glossy full-colour grot mag depicting filthy gagged spunks copping gallons of muck up the shitter."


"Fuck me, check out the hooters on that peasant slut."


"The Empress dried up rootwise halfway through the fucking war" opined the Emperor, somewhat wistfully. "And I'm not talking about the bloody Vietnam War either. Anyway, this mag should do the trick. While The Imperial Nag is out dicking around in the garden with her fucken bug collection or some bullshit I'll whip out the imperially abdicated wang and set to work priming the royal lineage pump with an eye on extricating some blue blood geyser gush shit all over the fucken monogrammed imperial cumrag. Do not disturb, cunts."

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut

Sprague Dawley

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Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire
« Reply #33 on: April 07, 2019, 04:10:59 PM »
Japanese Prince Reveals His Plan For Japan's Future.

--Japan Today--

Japan's Prince Manabu, operating under the illusion that he is in fact next in line to the Chrysanthemum Throne, and not his grandfather, has today revealed his plan to annex China to shit.


"Once my coronation is complete in early May I will immediately annex the living fucking shit out of those cross-eyed gook fucktards over the pond. And by cross-eyed gook fucktards, make no mistake, my able lieutenants, I do mean the infidel chinamen. They are a mongrel race of dog people not fit to polish my imperial mini-wanger."
--Prince Manabu, aged 11. Prince Manabu is 2nd in line to the throne. Not first in line.

"These marbles represent the various Chinese prefectures that will yield, in succession, before the mighty bayonets of Yamato" continued the Prince, who earlier in the evening had forced a royal courtier to do all of his homework for him at knifepoint. "By early summer, once our tank divisions have secured Peking, and once the ching-chong dog people are at heel, we the Imperial Sons of Amaterasu shall spare no mercy in setting these braying, atonal dog spawn amoeba to work in our slave-like sweatshops. Maybe making Japan's smartphone chips. Or maybe extra Pokemon cards. And maybe cake too. NO MERCY, MOTHERFUCKERS. Right then, can I go outside and play now please mummy? I've done all of my homework, I promise."

"We are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different."
-K.Vonnegut