Getting a Tattoo in Five Months – SG Phillips
September 17, 2023
Hey man, I know this is weird to send through a mass text message, but I’m going to commit suicide in about four months. Maybe five. There won’t be anything you, or anyone else, can do about it, and I know this news will be upsetting for you to hear, but, ultimately, it is my decision, and I think, personally, that this is the best way for me to go about doing this. That is, letting you, my parents, my brother, my former lovers, etc. know four to five months in advance. This way all relevant parties, including myself, will have the time to fully evaluate the consequences of this decision and not feel taken off guard by it, and so, they can prepare to react gracefully to this inevitability.
I’ve always been a fan of the Irish Goodbye for leaving parties. I always leave and go to bed without telling anyone, but that feels very unkind to do in this particular instance. As far as the why, and how, of this occurrence: rest assured, my reasons are justified and my methods are thoroughly understood. I will not be the victim of any undeserved suffering. It’ll be a clean cut. Trust me.
If you’re worried about my afterlife, or if I’m not trustworthy to determine the state of my soul: I know that my soul maybe-maybe-maybe-might be engulfed in the fires of hell by this action for what will feel like several eternities. I know my Bible. But I will at least arrive to that too-warm electric blanket of brimstone and suffering knowing that I deserve everything I am about to feel, as “Gilded Hours,” by The Believers, in particular the guitar hook at the chorus, resounds in my eardrums while my soul shoots downward. Personally, I don’t believe in souls, though. It is much prettier to me to think nothing is permanent. It makes the people we meet even more special: none of us are ever going to be seen, by any of us, ever again. That’s why I’m giving this four to five months.
I know that this news will be upsetting to you, and I hope you can eventually find forgiveness in your heart for this. I understand how selfish I am being– to everyone, not to only my family, not only to my brother who bullied me but taught me how to play videogames and who still teaches me about video games like Bloodborne and Dark Souls, and who loves me; I am also being selfish to my mother, AKA my mom; who taught me how to walk and talk and probably even how to think and how to love someone, and who definitely taught me that love is an objective thing that exists independent of any of us though we might often fail to get to it or even point at it. And to my dad, who taught me how to play basketball, and who also taught me that Organic Chemistry is a class that isn’t to be fucked around in, to prepare for it, and so I did, and got an A. What I mean is I succeeded because of these people that I am going to let down five months from now. I’m not mentioning any other friends, or you, specifically, in this. That’s why this whole thing is a mass text, aside from this last part: I’m sending you this to let you know that I didn’t forget about you, who taught me that music of all genres is to be listened to charitably, and that all people are to be listened to charitably as well. You taught me that every person ever, even the worst and most unredeemable bores, are absolutely fascinating people that you could spend an eternity in conversation with, just so long as you’re patient enough to figure out the right questions to ask. So I’m asking you to read this charitably. But I need to bow out of your life, and their lives too. On it all. Five months from now.