It’s Something I’ve Been Working On – SG Phillips

        Hey man, how’s it hanging? You likin’ it up here? Naptown, baby. I love Naptown, Indianapolis. A super real place, grittier, ya’know? And it’s got a great art scene. A great music scene. I’m writing a deathcore EP, did I tell you? The first song is called “1” and the time signature is 1. No, not 1/1, just 1. It’s one single chug (on fret one, so the tabs are also just “1” across the neck one time) and it rings out for 1 minute. We should see a show sometime man. But first, let’s go to the First Friday here in Naptown, go check out that art scene! It’s so cool, on First Friday, tonight! 
         On March 4th, 2022. Lets see some of the astute work of IUPUI’s finest students. This one is a psychedelic bacteria study of alien creatures, see? He attributes human emotions to bacteria as a critique of anthrocentrism. So giving the bacteria emotions makes it less anthropocentric. Anthrocentrism is a yuuuuuuge issue in the art scene, my man. Only the worst and most shit garbage art is anthropocentric. It’s something I know I’ve been working on, that paradigm is the most bitch-made bullshit, like you’d have to be a fucking moron to think with it. Throw that shit out! Do it right! What are you gonna cry? You crying about how you wuh weally anthwocentric dis whole time? Pussy. I’m just messing with you bro, like I said, avoiding anthropocentricism is something I’m working on too. I can’t expect you to be doing it perfect already. I didn’t mean for you to feel gaslit like that, won’t happen again. I know you would never be knowingly anthrocentric. Nobody in Naptown has been knowingly anthropocentric since like 2017, at least not except for those cocksucking Indianapolis Metropolitan Police, their worthless pig-fuck wives, and those filthy kikes that run Eskenazi hospital— which is a usurious institution that I think we should burn down. Aside from those people Naptown residents think in strictly theocentric paradigms and that’s fuckin’ facts.
        It isn’t the First Friday yet, though! It’s actually the Thursday before the First Friday my guy. It’s Thursday, March 3rd, 2022, here in Naptown. There’s a comedy open mic next to the Poetry Open mic. We can get our yucks out at the Comedy Open mic after hearing art at the Slam Poetry Open mic. But it’s all very organic! We can hear a comedian break their set to tell a personal story of the time they partied with the other comedians in the audience of the open mic who yell “whooo!” when she points at them– and who did coke, but of course they don’t do coke anymore. Legendary. That guy has cancer and he’s blind, he’s just using his time to ask women in the audience to fuck him before he dies. What a piece of shit. I’m glad he has cancer and hope his son gets it too. Remember when that woman mentioned they’re from Compton? That killed. Indianapolis is so badass, Naptown is so badass that a woman from fucking Compton lives here. Where else, what other place in the world could you find a woman from Compton? I haven’t been to any, have you? And it’s the same woman that reads art (I love a city that loves art!) at the poetry open mic. Which is next door! Wasn’t it great the way she screamed staircase wit at the parent that raped her? That shit wasn’t Anthrocentric, that’s for damn sure! I can tell when something isn’t, now, because I’ve been working on that since we last spoke.
        Oh man, first Friday is here in Naptown Indiana, that is, it is March 4th, 2022 for real this time, man! Pumped! Lets see what those Herron guys and girls cooked up. Fuck I hope they didn’t hear me say that, those were anthrocentric pronouns. I think we’re good. Check this painting out, the description says– ahh shit now they’re being Anthropocentric. I think we’re good though, it looks like being Anthropocentric is different than being Anthrocentric. See? Fucking retard (just kidding). Eh, this one looks kinda bad, they can’t all be winners. Look at that lady, she’s wearing a dress that’s made out of gravel. OK. Let’s network, I gotta find a new drummer for my deathcore band. Oh look! It’s the black radicals at First Friday! Selling art and fashion at First Friday! Do you think any of them play drums with lightning fast double bass? Remember the riots? I’ll talk to them about George Floyd before I ask them if they play drums, because it taught me I need to work on some things, and it will establish credibility and interest in my deathcore project. I know it taught me to do better, like now I wait at least an hour to file a noise complaint on my black neighbors, and I’ve stopped specifying truthfully that the neighbors are black while still couching the call itself in a lie about my having heard gunshots coming from their residence. The police response is obviously a lot less efficient since those pig-fuck-wife-havers at the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department are so freaking racist, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make to work on my biases. That’s something I’ve been working on since we last spoke also. You were there I bet, at the protests, I wasn’t but don’t tell anyone. Hey check out this underground zine. It’s black revolutionary they/thems, look at how cool they look, they’re dressed like the real black panthers. Real quick, before I go talk to them about George Floyd, let’s read this magazine aloud to each other, it’s full of manifestos about revolution and poems, and they all use the word n—hey*! What the hell dude did you just start walking away like you don’t know me when I was only 3/4th’s of the way done saying the thing I was saying just a second ago? I was also gonna say they have never held guns. You just made me look like a huge faggot in front of a lot of guys who can probably play double bass really fast. 
      Now my deathcore band will definitely have to use a drum machine to record our EP, and I have to program it while also recording bass, guitar, and singing vocals. We’ve got shirts, by the way. Do you wanna buy a shirt? Actually, I’ll hook you up for free since I’m in charge of merch too. And sorry I can’t hang tomorrow. Naptown dating. What are you doing Saturday? Sorry bro, like I said I can’t hang, I have a date on Saturday (here in Naptown). My tinder has been blowing up with poly they/thems bro, not the ones from Herron art school though, they/them’re too young for me, haha! But the older ones? I’m booked solid every Saturday with ‘em/they. Sorry bro, you know me, I’ve been busting so many fat ropes in so many poly they/them’s that those pronouns could still be taken as strictly specifying plurality in all my utterances, if you catch my drift. But that’s something I’m working on, too.


*The original, fully written out instance of this slur was authored by a contracted writer of African American origin. The hiring process was done holistically so as to avoid the accusation of hiring a writer merely for their ability to type a specific instance of a slur without consequence (as this criteria would be identical in scope to simply hiring based on race). A large set of resumes from persons of varying ethnicity was randomized, then further randomized selections of this set were vetted, hired, and paid in full. Each contracted writer was then given the assignment to type the asterisked sentence filled in with the most offensive slur they could use. Then, a program was written (in-house) to randomly select one of the sentences from the total set of all the contracted writers’ works for filling into this Google Document. The program was run roughly 9.3 billion cycles until the most intelligible slur was chosen by a machine learning AI. This AI was created by a different set of contracted applicants who were selected, vetted, hired, and given assignment in accordance with the same process as described for the writers. As the reader has likely noted, the decision was ultimately made to edit the mass of the slur out of the piece due it being funnier if the narrator does not actually get to say all of it, thus the budget used for developing this sentence alone (roughly 1.4 million dollars) might seem entirely wasted. In response to this accusation of wastefulness, the author notes that if communication was successful, if the reader filled in the blank themselves, then reference still obtains due to the partial term’s sense being revelatory**, which means that this partial use of the slur still fully counts and would still be subject to the same accusations of racism had the author not taken the measures described at the beginning of this footnote, which means that the author is just as edgy and cool in this instance as he would be if he had included the entire slur, and he is in fact not a coward for making this partial edit, which as noted was performed to wring out several additional punchlines from this extremely hack premise, and not to avoid scrutiny. Should the author decide to include the entire slur in reprintings this footnote shall henceforth function as audit trail in order to allow this move the legitimacy it already would have had if the author had decided to include it in its entirety at present (11Mar2022). -Ed

**Kripke, S. (2001) “Frege’s Theory of Sense and Reference: Some Exegetical Notes.” Philosophical Troubles. pp. 259-260. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2011.