Jim Morrison’s Eskimo Brother – Matt Forney
November 18, 2025
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother
is a morbidly obese office worker
with a drinking problem
who divorced his wife 20 years ago
and hasn’t gotten laid in 30 years
he bought a $20 penis pump from Amazon
that sucked in his left testicle
and gave him Peyronie’s
and a hydrocele
he logs onto sites selling ED devices
asking the same questions over and over
until the staff bans him
for using the word “dick”
too many times
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother
is blissfully unaware
of what went down in Saratoga Springs
in July 1970
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother’s future wife
baked Jim a cake and gave it to him
after the show
and she was only 15
that’s how they did things back then
don’t think too much about it
or you’ll end up
on a list
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother’s ex-wife
came from a good family
her dad the son of Brooklyn immigrants
who lived the American Dream
by starting his own business
and buying a house upstate
then lived the Italian Dream
by burning it down
for the insurance money
she went to college
joined the military
and was told by the chair
of the Monroe County GOP
that she was getting old
and needed to get married
she voted for Reagan
because he gave servicemen a raise
and quit her job
after tying the knot
she’s retiring to Florida soon
where she can nail up her MAGA signs
in peace
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother’s son
is Eskimo brothers with David Yow
and a bunch of failed podcasters
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother bought a house
at age 33
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother’s son
can barely afford a two-bedroom apartment
in a second-world country
at age 35
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother got married
at age 26
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother’s son
will be paying 1,000 pesos
for “boom boom”
in Angeles City
at age 56
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother
had his son at age 30
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother’s son
says microchimerism is a whitepill
at age 32
because the last BPD “writer” he came in
got a “therapeutic abortion”
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother
will pass of natural causes
at age 78
the Post-Standard
will call him a good man
his daughters will weep at the wake
and he’ll get a 21-gun salute
for having served his country
Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother’s son
will be found dead on the floor
at age 58
a sock around his dick
which the embassy won’t mention
to Jim Morrison’s Eskimo brother’s ex-wife
when they call her up
to repatriate what’s left
on his gravestone the words
“the red pill
was an 800 milligram
suppository”