Michelle Obama’s Friendsgiving Spread – David Lohrey

Cue the sad trombone.
Tora Bora, Baby!
Misinformation, disinformation, and mal-information.

It’s not an American face, we know that. The bones; 
they’re foreign. The Bronx Bombers are looking.
She is marriage material.

The only person I know from Moonee Ponds,
Moonee Ponds, Melbourne, that is.
Dame Edna’s home town in Australia

The prince in Montecito yearns to become the Prince of Montecito, 
the man of the hour.
He’s advertising himself as the vagina whisperer.

Need a wigwam? He bought a thousand acres somewhere
between the Gulf of Mexico and the Caloosahatchee River
where he’s established the Rat Party and built a tree house.

It’s the only tree house in all the world
with three pillars and a winding stair case, modeled after 
Oprah’s mansion in Santa Barbara.

He left San Francisco some time ago after being elected 
the Mayor of Castro Street. His followers joined 
the Rat Party, bought guns, and moved to Idaho. 

They all drive Dodge Darts. In response to Einstein’s Dreams, 
he wants to write a similar book: Al Capone’s Dreams, with 
fantasies of mass extermination.

What can one do? Swim the Channel? Go to the shore? Have a wank?
“It is not one of my ambitions as a writer to give the reader a new sense 
of agency,” says the author in an interview for the CPUSA.

Comes recommended by Tom Hanks, who’s written a blurb.
*Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Death
But Were Afraid to Ask.

“I have just been notified that demanding a clean toilet is nothing 
but a Right-Wing bugaboo. How dare the elite put itself in a place of need!” 
At this rate, you’ll end up getting your tits in a wringer.

We operate off a full-spectrum of airborne intelligence solutions.
The first is enrollment in our online diet program: A Better Me.
Learn how to give up that hotdog in a brioche donut covered in chocolate.

It is one thing to say someone is an interloper and quite another to say he is 
a fucking interloper. Our next convention will be held in Marion Junction, 
Alabama. New York City can just shut up.

I don’t need much. As Margarite Thatcher said, the pearls 
are non-negotiable. Decide what you won’t give up. After years 
of study, he yearns to translate his Maoist convictions into action. 

Is there anything sexier than a man in a tux observed from the rear, 
just standing in the middle of the street taking a leak? Gentlemen:
gather your gear and head for the front. Peace be with you.