My Lived Experience – SG Phillips

“I have not been so pitifully tired with any vanity, as with silly Old Mens exclaiming against these times, and extolling their own: Alas! they betray themselves, for if the times be changed, their manners have changed them.” —John Donne

        My friend is Millennial. She was telling me that her kid hit his head really bad, that he had to go to the doctor and get an x-ray to see if he’d had a concussion. But he was fine, he just got a goose-egg. I hit my head when I was his age, when I was a kid, but I never got a goose-egg. I got a scar where my hair doesn’t grow. When I was his age I thought goose-eggs only happened in cartoons. I think that’s why I got a scar where hair won’t grow instead of a goose-egg. Because I believed goose-eggs only happen in cartoons. I hit my head doing cool tricks off a ramp on a skateboard and falling, I never landed any of them. I don’t remember how my friend, who is a Millennial— I don’t remember how her kid almost got a concussion. 

      Her kid isn’t a Zoomer, he’s in the generation after that will be better off than them. I don’t talk to many Zoomers, but they do a lot of pills and have sex badly. And they’re angry about pornography. When I was their age I didn’t have sex badly because of all the pills I did. I hit my head doing cool tricks off a ramp on a skateboard and falling, never landing any of them, and I did it without getting goose-eggs. Then I wasted time lurking on tech forums instead of independently researching why porn is bad. I learned how to record an album with software, and how online music publishing would change the record industry. It did change the record industry because artists are now poorer than they were before. Good.

        Zoomers do lots of pills, and call those pills by the IUPAC chemical name for the active compound in the drug like they know what that name means. Nobody needs to call drugs that unless they are in a lab and making the compounds. When it’s drugs outside of a lab making them the only name you need is the one that tells you how it gets you fucked up. Call Adderall amphetamine salts and name the isomer, and differentiate between the different types of amphetamines salts like you can tell a difference between effects in a blind taste-test. Anytime someone tells me that X brand of amphetamines felt different than Y brand of amphetamines, less pure or less clean, I catalogue them as being retarded and I never remove that label. It colors all my interactions with them afterward. I wish them to OD.

        Zoomers love drugs so much their dicks don’t work. They are so good at telling the methyl or ethyl group’s effect on a drug’s effect on their own psychology and biochemistry, because they took so many of them, and pursued this fine-grain psychopharmaceutical self-knowledge to the point that their dicks don’t work. They hate porn too because it reminds them of their non-functioning sexual organs, and that they are bad at sex. They like anime also for those same reasons. People that are good at sex can tell innately when someone is bad at it, and avoid them. The oughts’es and the is’es align with people who cannot fuck, especially if they are Zoomers: their situation is the way it ought to be. They take drugs, which they refer to by their IUPAC names, in order to make themselves blind to this constitutive fact of reality, which is asserted to them at all times by reality when they are not fucked during quests for self-knowledge, of their journey to discover new types of L’s to catalogue themselves as having. Deforming their mind to the point where they can find their mind interesting.

        My friend’s kid is not old enough to do drugs. He cannot pronounce IUPAC chemical names either, I don’t think, but I haven’t asked him. His memes aren’t very funny. I understand how he finds them funny. He showed me one, it was a picture of a cartoon character and some captions like us Millennials put on the courage wolf meme. That meme wasn’t funny either, none of them ever are after a year. I don’t get Zoomer memes. Or late Millennial memes. cellectuals. Book quotes over random images. cellectuals. How about you select-my-nuts-and-gargle-them, faggot. Big mistake using that if a Millennial reads this. 

        We made saying it against the rules. Zoomers use it sometimes, though. The Baby Boomers started off, with the sexual revolution, which let gay people fuck without lying about being gay; and passed the ball to Gen X who ran point. Gen-X then set up an alley-oop to Millennials, who slam-dunked Making Saying Faggot Against The Rules so hard that the backboard shattered and now both teams are waiting on a replacement for it so they can continue playing the game. Zoomers later walked on court and saw the broken backboard, so Zoomers decided to just play Saying-Faggot-Basketball at half court, amongst themselves. That’s why they say the word faggot sometimes. And Millennials and Gen X can’t play, because we have too many people to play anything besides full court Saying-Faggot-Basketball, and we can’t just kick a bunch of people off our teams to continue playing and act like its the same continuous game. So we are waiting for the backboard to get replaced, and while we are waiting we are getting called faggots by Zoomers playing half court Saying-Faggot-Basketball amongst themselves, and since Zoomers aren’t employed we can’t get them fired from anywhere for saying it. We are getting called faggots by Zoomers, and can’t do anything about it besides acknowledge in our hearts that it is true. But Millennials are raising the generation that will get the Zoomers fired for calling us faggots, we just have to wait a while. Children are where our hopes for a better future always rest. The children of Zoomers, if Zoomers have any, will then call our children faggots, and then our grandchildren will get the children of the Zoomers fired from their jobs, and so on until the end of time.

        My friend is Millennial, and the worst word her kid with the cartoon goose-egg on his head says is butthole. Saying butthole isn’t bad. He just says butthole so much that if he said something like faggot once in a while then that would be better than saying butthole all the time. Still, he won’t get fired for saying butthole all the time, but I wouldn’t hire him. I would hire someone who said faggot once in a while though. I could leverage that against them when they demand a raise. I could lord them saying faggot over their head when I want something done. When I was a kid I was calling people faggots, and watching cartoons, and falling off a skateboard, and hitting my head without getting a goose-egg because goose-eggs only happen in cartoons. Later, I was doing drugs and having sex, and still calling people faggot, similar to Zoomers actually. I guess we have more in common than I thought.

        Then I stopped calling people that, because Millennials decided it was against the rules. It was us that did it and improved the world for gay people, and not Gen X or Boomers, but us, who solidified it being okay for gay people to fuck and not have to lie about it. It wasn’t Boomers, though they started it. It was not Gen X, who are just the Boomers and who made the assist. It was us who slam dunked Making Saying Faggot Against The Rules so hard that the game is on hold and halftime music has been playing for roughly 11 years now while we wait on a replacement and get called faggots by Zoomers. It was us. Not the Boomers or the Generation X, who are the new Boomers, because they’re out of touch with everything Millennials do, like how Millennials are out of touch with everything Zoomers do. Our music is now playing for halftime, too. I won’t say what band. Our musicians are mostly living, though. Baby Boomers’ best musicians are all dead except for Eric Clapton, who is racist. Baby Boomer musicians all died from drugs, but Gen X musicians all killed themselves. Probably so they wouldn’t have to become the new Boomers. Gen X all have decent jobs, and if they don’t they are still Boomers. Even if they’re artists or writers or musicians or homeless. 

        If you’re Gen X there is no difference between being a musician or homeless and working in an office, to us Millennials and to Zoomers at least. You are the bourgeoisie and deserve to be decapitated by Zoomers and Millennials who read Marx and Lenin on Wikiquote, and who live in the suburbs. Gen X is lazy and they think David Cross is funny even though he isn’t. Neither is Bill Hicks. Tool is also bad. Tool is the one Gen X band that didn’t kill themselves, so Gen X have rallied around Tool. They’re like Eric Clapton but for Gen X. Fans of Tool and fans of Eric Clapton are the same. Tool fans are like Zoomers because they use the IUPAC chemical names for drugs, even though they don’t understand why the drug has that name. Even if they took organic chemistry, they would still use the name, even though there is no reason to use the IUPAC chemical name outside of a lab. Just because a fat as fuck, smelly, man wearing a black hoodie calls it  (6aR,9R)- N,N- diethyl- 7-methyl- 4,6,6a,7,8,9- hexahydroindolo- [4,3-fg] quinoline- 9-carboxamide doesn’t mean that the chemist from Kid Charlemagne made it. But they have done too many drugs to realize this.

      Other than that they’re the same as fans of Eric Clapton and Monterey Pop Festival. Tool concerts are like Monterey Pop Festival except the audience is all fat people in black sweatshirts, and everyone smells a slightly different type of bad than hippies do. Audience members will also explain the Fibonacci sequence to you, they will point out IUPAC nomenclature factoids about their drugs to each other. Anyone who can recite the most IUPAC drug names in their most complete forms during the Tool show to the most people gets to fuck the hottest girl within earshot. It is a mating ritual, in which they acquire a Zoomer girlfriend who they say is mature for her age. Those girlfriends are mature for their age because they act like Millennials, except in regards to their using the IUPAC nomenclature of their recreational drugs of choice, and in regards to them having sex with Tool fans. Soon these girls will be replaced with the generation after Zoomer, and they will also be disliked by the other members of their generation. They will be disliked for doing everything I just talked about. Tool fans will eventually become old and die.

        In summation, to Millennials Gen X is boomer, and to Zoomers they (Gen X) are Boomer and faggots, so Millennials and Gen X and the children of Millennials all have solidarity against the Zoomers in that we are all faggots. The Zoomers made a bad call bringing back calling people faggot since they’re outnumbered 3 to 1. Alternating generations included, they are at best 1 to 1. Gen X also didn’t like being called faggot either, but Millennials are the ones who finally made it against the rules, and now us Millennials and our kids get to dominate the Zoomers with Gen X by getting them fired from their jobs for calling people faggots when they reach an employable age. Because Millennials made it against the rules. That’s why I don’t call people faggot anymore. Unless it’s in a groupchat and we are talking about Gen X or people that watch Anime. Finally, goose-eggs only happen in cartoons.