My Own Private Los Angeles – Dahlia Xie

May 21, 2026

when i finally took my apple watch off, i began to receive phantom notifications. it’s a friday night daylist but saturday morning time now. love songs on the radio. i would do anything to love someone like i used to. don’t read the secret i’m hiding from you

i’m scared to sleep because i’m afraid of the bugs. i wrote this page upside down because i forgot where i was. i got lost in the grass and i’m surrounded by versions of you.

dear god i have been selfish. i have strayed from you. i am preoccupied by worldy issues whatever that entails. i dream about standing still, i dream of the metro rushing past inches away from my nose, i dream of a frisbee floating slowly in the sky trying to stay in the air forever, i dream of the dust from the tracks billowing into a smoke that covers me whole, shielding me from the rest of the world. i dream of white flowers that fall from the tree onto my legs into my bag, i dream of them blooming in my lap because i have an eternity of thoughts feelings emotions. i dream of dying. i dream of rolling down this grass hill with you and i dream of sleeping on your chest, i wonder if your heart beats faster for me staring into your eyes, if your eyes get bigger to see me. i dream of breaking myself for you

the summer i got back with my ex, we fell asleep on an L shaped couch connected by only our fingertips not allowing any other part of our bodies to touch. that would be bad i said and i’ve done a lot of bad things. he showed me a video of myself i don’t remember. i’m talking to the camera, telling him how much i love him and how i couldn’t wait to marry him. we are both crying. i once never spoke in fear of being wrong. now i care enough to be heartbroken. it’s a habit i cannot break because i get sad often and i want to burn my hair off and walk on the ledge. i haven’t heard any bad news before- i run a marathon with a cigarette in my mouth. i take a drag then breathe in through my nose. the air is tight and short then a cascading kiss. god i love you. i wish there was a word stronger than love because every thing gets old.

it’s bad to hit anything— not just a car or a building or an animal. there’s feng shui that should not be disrupted. theres a way of life for everything that god created. this man in the park is stretching his girls legs, holding them up as she lays with her back against the grass. he pushes her legs closer to her face and around in circles. thats a flow state. theres a black garbage bag floating back and forth across the road. cars pass pushing it in one direction and wind blows it back in the other. one car comes down the hill and nearly hits the bag as it crawls under another car as if it’s afraid of the world. i brace myself for blood. its just a bag. and maybe life’s transformations are the beauty in ephemera. to appreciate life and resist it are both rebellion against a finite lifespan. enjoy the present feeling of my legs pressed against me because i cannot know if i am hurting for pain or if i am hurting for strength.

i have a secret i won’t tell anyone about because it’s nice to have a secret. i feel my phantom apple watch notifications again but i wonder what other feelings are imagined. im running along with everything you’ve ever told me. im running just to get mailed back to you. sorry for licking my lips while looking up at you

i saw an owl as a cat

a shard of glass on my chin now stuck beneath my nail

my sleeve is wet staining my pen

i need to log everything

bark in my shoes

a basketball in the woods skinned to show a hollow black interior

maybe it’s the beauty i want to conserve and share

i saw the most beautiful white feather float like a piece of cotton

my memory is a treasure map of places i love

i live to share your stories

my treasure is gone

i like to hear rain fall onto the leaves of a tree or my flip flops in the silent forest