please please – Lindsay Lerman

June 5, 2020

I am 16 please no and I am flying down the road and your hand is between my legs and you’re telling me how much you like tori amos and I’m transfixed as I watch you watch the road and I move into your hand to push back and invite and I have a beer in one hand and my shirt in the other oh god and I see you smirk with only the one corner of your mouth I’m fucked I’m so fucked I will never recover from this and I know it harder and harder with every repetition of springtime in his voodoo your voodoo and you sense my dread and I know it makes you hard and you say I just love women all women but that’s not what I am not even close I’m a discomfiting disparate soul with eyes everywhere stuffed in a malnourished little body begging to be reunited with the fire the great fire of everything and you don’t know the way not at all not in the slightest and you put your mouth on mine and I’m fucked all over again because I like these things I hate again and again and you love seeing me trapped like this and I love seeing you see it “you are a danger to yourself” she says 20 years later yeah no shit and then I am screaming with pain and pleasure and terror and joy and fear and everything I cannot find in words and they hear through the walls oh god they hear and hear and maybe they want to call the cops maybe they sit transfixed as you pull me in saying “come here come here please please” nearly begging as I see you break and break and I hope it will never end though you leave me and leave me and I leave you and leave you and we are so alone though some days I still live here in this addict’s paradise where despite me it plays on a loop on a loop on a loop I scrubbed everywhere you were what do I have to do to remove you remove you remove you all of you