Radio, Radio – Gwen Hilton

January 22, 2025

You either shut up or get cut up, they don’t wanna hear about it
It’s only inches on the reel-to-reel
And the radio is in the hands of such a lot of fools
Tryin’ to anesthetize the way that you feel

–       Elvis Costello – “Radio, Radio”

Old enough to know it was wrong to redline the track and young enough to believe there was a true magic in trying to ride the threshold between overblown and cranked, Luke made the listening experience of the final two hours of work for his suburb difficult and far too active for the people who shelved their emerging genius to fund that of their children’s. He sat in the studio alone each show, arriving late to the most selective slot, because even when the sun was barely westward he was the midnight rider of his own consciousness. Minimal interjections. You’re gonna love this. Personality would shine in the sound. It didn’t help that he was playing an hour of the same music every week. One can’t fathom the breadth of a fifteen year old’s knowledge. It didn’t help that he’d abandon the studio to buy food every other show. It didn’t help that he’d abandon the job.
        His last song had to be the perfect choice. Each week he felt the weight of relinquishing his near total control, something afforded for almost two hours, barring the liners every fifteen minutes and the two mandatory rotation songs per hour broadcast through the 180 foot tower, never to be illuminated in the early fall nights for planes. Pro radio DJs could not imagine this luxury. Every other high school in the nation can’t imagine this luxury. Other students can’t imagine. A sacred space inside a sacred space in the basement of a concrete complex stretching two city blocks. He thought about the training sessions and his fear of the FCC. He thought about how an entire language was built to circumvent the government. He thought about “G-Spot Tornado.” He thought about the “Two Hour/Four Hour” rule. He thought about how he couldn’t play “Violent Pornography.” He knew people were listening. The student managers, the station supervisor, the adult supervisors, they all heard. They listened to make sure you were doing the right thing. They took pleasure in catching ranked individuals making mistakes. He queued up “Stir it Up.” His friend got a C on a paper for track selection and not realizing he was analyzing a song about sex for school. He knew. He said it was about making food. His other friend got an A on a music video project for making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to “Jamming.” He thought about how he stood in the single bedroom “Is This Love” was written about. He turned up the studio volume when the bassline opened up, mimicking it in the air.
        When his show ended he offered to buy pizza for the people at the studio who would be there into the evening. He had always wanted to try the Colosseum size from Paso’s Pizza. He never had the crowd. People agreed. A half pepperoni pizza was ordered. When it arrived a small crowd gathered. Luke handed out plates and asked, “Did anyone listen to Centipede Hz?”
        “Yeah. It sucked,” replied Jack.
        “It doesn’t suck,” said Ellie.
        “What does it do then?” asked Jack.
        “It’s like nothing I’ve heard,” said Luke.
        “Did you hear the new Gojira?” asked Jack.
        “No. I don’t listen to French metal.”
        “Because it’s French? You think that’s an approach to music?”
        “It’s an approach to metal. What can be learned from baby savages?”
        “It’s not an approach to sound.”
        “I don’t like much metal as is. Why not say no up front?”
        “If you talk like this, who knows what you think. If you think like that you’re not hearing. If you’re not hearing whatever.”
        “What the fuck? What did I do to you?”
        “It’s not that big of a statement.”
        “Are you serious?”
        “It’s insulting. Telling me I don’t know music. How was your band’s last show?”
        “Great. Nice crowd. Met some people.”
        “People?”
        “Worry about your own dating.”
        “That’s not-”
        “Did you check out Lemon Jelly?”
        “Not beyond that song.”
        “Like nothing you’ve heard is real subjective.”
        “It’s like stuff you’ve heard?”
        “You haven’t been to the Double Door.”
        “You haven’t.”
        “How would you know?”
        “You don’t have the ID.”
        “How would you know?”
        “They don’t host shows like that.”
        “And how would you know the sound of music you don’t hear?”
        “What I know is I checked out Centipede Hz because I heard about it here. Tim and Jim liked their old stuff. They sing “My Girls” and laugh. They said Centipede Hz sucked. I bought it though. I preordered on iTunes. I listened. I read about it. I read about how setting up the live shows took hours because of the sheer number of signal chains. I could hear it. I liked that. I want to sound like that, or imagine I can. I like that it’s possible.”
        “You didn’t call it good.”
        “I like it.”
        “It isn’t MPP. It isn’t Strawberry Jam. Why don’t you listen to Sung Tongs?”
        “I’m listening to Centipede Hz.”
        “Why do guys fight worse than girls about this stuff?” Ellie interjected.
        “What have you been listening to, Ellie?” asked Jack.
        “One of our Kairos leaders played “On Top of the World” by Imagine Dragons on the retreat. I didn’t know anything except “Radioactive,” but it was on the new CD. I really like it. I can’t stop singing that song.”
        “That band sucks,” said Luke.
        “You like a lot of sucky bands,” said Ellie.
        “Not Imagine Dragons sucky.”
        “Any ska band.”
        “Low hanging fruit.”
        “So you agree it sucks?”
        “No. It’s misunderstood.”
        “I understand I don’t like it.”
        “Why?”
        “It sounds bad. Is that enough?”
        “What is bad?”
        “I don’t like it. There is no what. The whole song.”
        “You don’t like No Doubt? No Mighty Mighty Bosstones? Have you ever been close to tragedy? Or close to folks who have?”
        “I’ve felt pain so powerful I’ve collapsed.”
        “See!”
        “That I remember a song you’ve played?”
        “Yes. Because you remember. Why? There’s so many ‘better’ songs you forgot.”
        “The best parts of my life aren’t determined by my ability to remember.”
        “Is that a Kairos thing?”
        “No. And you don’t need to do that.”
        “I’m gonna head out. Will you two clean up the pizza? I don’t want to throw out something good.”
        “Yeah.” said Jack.
        “Okay. Really?”
        “It’s fine,” said Ellie.
        “Because if you don’t.”
        “Shut the fuck up.” said Jack.
        Luke got picked up by his mom. Luke listened to MPP. Luke listened to Sung Tongs. Luke listened to Strawberry Jam. Luke didn’t like Sung Tongs or Feels. Luke liked “Fireworks.” Luke liked “Brother Sport.” Luke spent three times as much time with The Downward Spiral and Pretty Hate Machine. Luke spent three times as much time with the songs “Mr. Smiley,” “The Impression That I Get,” and most tracks off the No Doubt singles album. One of his favorite songs being the No Doubt original “It’s My Life.” Luke took the rest of the week and most of the next one off. He went to school for his radio show. Luke didn’t think about the pizza again.
        When he arrived he was told this would be his last three to five slot by the radio program manager. He taught all the media courses except film. The pizza did not get cleaned up and had left a pungent odor for the morning student manager’s meeting. Luke said that Jack was there and he had asked for assistance in handling the trash. The manager said this was not Jack’s responsibility. Luke’s slot was moved from Tuesday to Friday seven to nine. Most football games would be broadcast during that slot allowing for twenty minutes of song selection sometimes. Luke had to join a second extracurricular that met on Monday or Tuesday. Luke had to attend two days of school beyond extracurriculars to work the show on Friday. Luke’s friend’s older brother’s friend who only listens to Tom Petty and already fixed up several classic cars is a nice man. He’s only nineteen and he works for a local station. Friday was an undesirable shift and the adult supervisors would trade off on having to manage the one student on North campus after seven on a Friday. Two new supervisors were brought on to cover the workload of the man nicknamed after a deity that worked day in and day out for a decade a decade after he left the radio program himself. 
        Luke’s last song was No Doubt’s “Ex-Girlfriend.” He walked out into the lounge. Jack and Ellie were sitting at opposite sides. Ellie was seated by the computers and printer. Jack was on the couch in front of the TV. Luke said “Jack what the fuck?”
        “What?”
        “The pizza.”
        “I threw it out.”
        “It was there in the morning. My show got moved.”
        “That’s not the only reason.”
        “It’s the final one.”
        “You should’ve thought about that before not cleaning up. I’ve got a ninth period study hall. It’ll be nice to do my homework alone here before my three to five.”
        “Really?”
        “I’ve got a lot going on.”
        “You went to the manager’s meeting knowing.”
        “I was gone before the pizza.”
        “I know.”
        “I wasn’t the last one here.”
        “Ellie?”
        “I’m busy,” said Ellie.
        “Obviously.”
        “Stop.” Phyllis said. He looked up from several textbooks and papers. “I’ll show you some new music, Luke. Fridays will be fun.” His shoulders slumped in the chair and he still looked down on Luke as he said it. Luke mumbled an acknowledgment. Luke walked home. It felt good.
        Luke joined Model UN. Luke met strange people. Luke felt out of his depth.
        Luke went to school for the full week. Luke went to his Friday radio show. He arrived late, spending time with the plastic cases at Blockbuster before walking to North campus. He looked at the cars piling in for the football game. He thought about the legendary kicker. He thought maybe his movie would rest on the shelves next to the field the already legendary kicker played on.
        When he arrived at school he had to call the radio station to be let in. After five the doors locked. The other manager opened the door. He said, “Phyllis had to grade his student’s papers. It’ll be just us for the next two weeks. I’m Frank.”
        “I’m Luke.”
        “I know.”
        “Oh.”
        “It’s my job. Don’t worry. I’ve heard about you too.”
        “I gotta go.”
        “No. Please. I brought my Super Nintendo. Let’s hook it up and play Mario until you get your show back.”
        “Oh.”
        “No one’s ever here. I bring my laptop and my hard drive. I bring some games. Maybe a book. You should too.”
        “Yeah.”
        “Are you mad?”
        “Yeah.”
        “Why?”
        “Well it’s not like my friends hung out with me every Friday. Now they won’t. So I might get one day to see them. No one I know listens to my radio show. Friday night. Fifteen minutes of music for people like me? Do people like me listen to the high school game? I don’t even do that when I broadcast it.”
        “No one will know what it meant when you were on the radio. Have fun with it today. Everyone has to be somewhere.”
        “What?”
        “It’s a joke.”
        “What joke?”
        “A man comes home early from work. He sees his wife tied up in bed. His best friend jumps out of the closet in an animal mask. The man screams ‘What the fuck are you doing here?’ and the best friend says ‘Everyone has to be somewhere.’” They both laugh and go down to the radio station.
        Frank hooks up Super Mario World for Luke. He’s never played it. They breeze through world one. Luke introduces himself. Luke hands off to the sports team offsite. Luke goes back to sit with Frank. He asks, “What’s your favorite SNES game?”
        “Maybe one of the Final Fantasy games. Or A Link to the Past.”
        “Whoa.”
        “What about A Link to the Past?”
        “The mirror world that first time. I didn’t know it would go that far. It was bigger than Earth. Nothing felt that good before. The lightning. You weren’t just saving the princess for fun. Better dungeons. Cooler power ups.”
        “Do you have it?” 
        “Of course.”
        “Did you ever play Earthbound?”
        “I have it.”
        “How?”
        “I bought it when it came out.”
        “You were hip to it when it came out?”
        “Hip to it?”
        “What?”
        “I played Final Fantasy when it came out. I played the RPGs as they came out.”
        “Wow.”
        “I have more than one copy of Earthbound actually.”
        “What?”
        “I have a few.”
        “A few?”
        “Do you know why Earthbound is expensive?”
        “No.”
        “It’s not rare because people didn’t know about it. Sure, not as many people in the US played it. It’s not rare. There’s a third game and you can play the fan translation on the computer. It’s good. I have.You could have played Earthbound all along on your computer. You can’t buy a physical copy because of the law. The game itself is not illegal. It’s just hard to find and therefore expensive. People don’t resell it. The licensing expired on one song. One boss fight has a “Johnny-B-Goode” remix as the backing track. Not only was it a good, fun, zany game. It was smart like Tom and Jerry. You could put some good sounds back into an unsuspecting kid’s head. Earthbound is expensive because of Chuck Berry. Earthbound isn’t really expensive because of Chuck Berry. Earthbound is expensive because someone owns something Chuck Berry taught millions to do.”
        “What?”
        “Yeah. Copyright law. No different than a gag order on creativity.”
        “Gag order?”
        “It forces silence. That’s why it’s a gag.”
        “A gag is a joke.”
        “A gag is a tool.”
        “Sure.”
        “Either way. It’s a law issue. You can play Earthbound. No one is watching if you use an emulator.”
        “That’s not what I want though.”
        “I get it. Waiting for the real thing.”
        “Yeah.”
        “Well, have you played Super Mario World before?”
        “No.”
        “And it’s the real thing.”
        “Yeah.”
        “So don’t get lost looking for something else immediately.”
        “Okay,” said Luke. The night wound down and Luke got picked up by his mom. She commented on his smile. His friends don’t text him. He spent the weekend listening to Waxahatchee and Die Antwoord. He would listen to “Be Good,” then “Grass Stain,” then “Enter the Ninja,” then “Baby’s on Fire,” then “I Fink Ur Freeky,” then back to “Grass Stain” over and over.
        Luke went to Model UN. Luke felt stupid. Luke went to class. Luke tried codeine and marijuana extract repackaged in Creatine pills. The Alaskan kid gave him free drugs as long as he tried them first. Luke enjoyed waiting to feel it while the literature class discussed Leslie Marmon Silko’s Ceremony, a book he was quiet about liking and thinking he understood.
        He went to school for the whole week. He loitered at the Blockbuster. He listened to the marching band. He walked to the radio station in the fall dark and called Frank. Luke skipped lunch, but had money for dinner. Now that he wouldn’t be getting home until around ten he had to buy a meal. No one listened, but fast food came freely. When Frank walked Luke downstairs there were two SNES consoles. There was a copy of Earthbound and a copy of Super Mario World and a copy of The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. Frank said “These are for you. You can’t tell people I got them for you.”
        “You can’t give these to me.”
        “Sure I can.”
        “Why?”
        “I’m getting a little too old to have this many video games.” 
        “You’re not gonna regret it?”
        “Not this.”
        “Okay.” Luke said. Frank asked if Luke wanted to game. He was stunned. He did not. He wanted to talk. Luke asked “What are you reading about?”
        “A crime blog.”
        “About?”
        “The police.”
        “Like how?”
        “Like what they really do?”
        “What do you mean?”
        “You like movies right?”
        “Yeah.”
        “Cop movies?”
        “Yeah, I like that Seven movie. ‘What’s in the box?’”
        “That’s pretty good. What if I told you cops did shit like that?”
        “No way.”
        “Yeah. I’m reading about a cop that shot a dog for no reason. You’ll see that it happens a lot. He shot the dog at a distance. He claims that it was attacking him. Here look at this photo. The dog should have burns on its face from being shot at such a close range if that’s true. That’s just a shot dog.”
        “Oh.”
        “Yeah. And if they shoot dogs, what else?”
        “I didn’t think about that.”
        “You have a dog right?”
        “Yeah.”
        “And you get kinda wild. What if the cops shot your dog trying to help you?”
        “What if…”
        “Yeah.”
        “How do you feel when they come?”
        “Scared. Why are we?”
        “Why?”
        “They have their hands on their guns.”
        “Why? For a kid? What does your mom say when she calls the police to make them hold their guns like that?”
        “That’s what they do.”
        “Is it? That’s what they’re supposed to do?”
        “They’re putting their lives on the line.”
        “When responding to you?”
        “I’d like to think so.” They both laugh. Luke asks, “Are you hungry?”
        “Yeah.”
        “I’m gonna order food. Do you want something?”
        “I can’t get food from a kid.”
        “You gave me all those games.”
        “It’s different. I have a job.”
        “Okay,” said Luke. Luke called Jimmy John’s. Luke ordered the Gargantuan. Luke waited extra long for the delivery. A BLT was delivered. Luke was selective. Luke called back Jimmy Johns. Luke said he got the wrong order. The BLT button is right next to the Gargantuan button. They can give a credit and Luke can get a free sandwich later. Luke gave the BLT to Frank. Frank accepted after explanation. Luke called the Jimmy John’s back. Luke ordered the Gargantuan. Luke used the credit. Luke was told the wait time would be extra long again. Luke said that’s fine everybody has to be somewhere. The same delivery driver came back. He handed off the bag. He asked “Can I have the BLT?”
        “Why?”
        “You need to exchange.”
        “Why?”
        “My boss said so.”
        “Would I need to give you the BLT a month later if I used the token then?”
        “No.”
        “Then why?”
        “Doing it on the same night.”
        “That doesn’t make sense. I can do it whenever. I have the token.”
        “No.”
        “I have the sandwich.”
        “Fine,” said the driver. He stood around. He said “What?”
        “No tip,” said Luke. He closed the door. Luke ate the Gargantuan with Frank. They watched 24 on his laptop. He had every season on an external hard drive. Frank taught Luke the value of the external hard drive. Luke went home. He smiled. He laughed and laughed as he told his mom the Jimmy John’s story. She sighed.
        Luke’s friends did not see him that weekend. They went to the football game and out after. Saturday they had leaf cleanup with their parents. Luke didn’t care. He played Earthbound until he got to Twoson. He got obsessed with the Latin feel of the hotel theme. He found it on YouTube. He loved the remix “Heartless Hotel.” He had never heard a computer song with jump like that. At least not something without all the layers of Skrillex.  Luke listened to Chiddy Bang’s “Opposite of Adults” and “Another Night” by Mac Miller. He didn’t admit to listening. He liked the song. 
        He went to school. He tried to make inroads with the MUN guys. They were talking about caddying. He worked one game. He thought about beating the golfer to death with his clubs. Caddies don’t need sunglasses. He rolled out of the moving car on the way to the golf course the next time. The MUN caddies had healthy savings that they used for their poker nights.
        Luke fought with his English teacher. He didn’t want to read Margaret Atwood’s Cat’s Eye. He did not want to read more about how he had felt so often. The teacher said now more than ever is the time to read it. Luke discovered that people don’t realize you have self injury issues if you do it to your feet. 
        Luke skipped school one day that week. He was tired. He played SNES all day.
        Luke went to the radio station and was let in by Phyllis. Phyllis said “Excited to have your whole show?”
        “Yes.”
        “Good.”
        “Can I ask you something?”
        “Sure.”
        “Frank said cops shoot dogs.”
        “That’s not a question.”
        “Is he right?”
        “How right Frank is and what that means are two different things.”
        “So they do.”
        “Sometimes.”
        “He showed me a photo.”
        “Of what?”
        “The police blog.”
        “Okay. Well, he shouldn’t talk to students about that.”
        “It was only me.”
        “Oh. Yeah.”
        “Don’t get him in trouble.”
        “He’ll be fine. It’s always crossing a line with you. Have you broken two hour four hour?”
        “Never.”
        “Break it for me.”
        “I can’t.”
        “I’ll take care of it. You’re DJing for me. I’ll let you know.”
        “Break it with what?”
        “Two Talking Heads, Two Arrested Development, back to back, every time. I don’t think you’ll struggle with that.”
        “What songs?”
        ““Life During Wartime,” “Found a Job,” “Mr. Wendal,” “Tennessee.” Listen.”
        “I’m gonna break the two hour four hour rule?”
        “This is what gives you cold feet?”
        “Well.”
        “That’s kind of sweet. Play the music.” said Phyllis. Luke queues the music. It’s weird, but he moves. Anxiety until the wisdom of “Mr. Wendal.” Luke didn’t listen to songs like that. He didn’t know you could write about a smart homeless person. He didn’t know that could happen. He walked out to Phyllis and said “I’ve never heard music like that. Well, “Mr. Wendal” reminded me of that one Elvis Costello song. The one with the squeaking.”
        “You like Elvis Costello?”
        “My mom does. I do. I listened to “Watching the Detectives” on repeat with my iPod mini while driving through Wisconsin in the winter. I didn’t hear a song like that until I heard “Ghost Town.””
        “You should dig around in your mom’s CDs more. You should ask her about them.”
        “She saw Prince when it was only Black people and her friend.”
        “Don’t say it like that, but good to know.”
        “Sorry.”
        “What struck you about the songs?”
        “It’s. All these off putting happy sounds. There’s so much going on that I’m overwhelmed, but it’s nice. Why am I overwhelmed if it’s nice? It’s like “Pumped Up Kicks,” but fast.”
        “That’s a nice idea. It still feels different.”
        “Yeah it has that edge. The piano.”
        “Not a piano.”
        “The organ. It’ll drive you crazy.”
        “Yeah?”
        “It’s like circus music.”
        “Maybe that’s part of it.”
        “My anxiety doesn’t feel like a circus.”
        “Their circus brings up your anxiety?”
        “Not for you?”
        “Not anymore. Now I see why they’re clowns,” said Phyllis. Luke wound down the conversation. He went home with his mom. He asked her about her music. She said it was nice to remember those shows.
        Luke went to school every day the next week. Luke went to Model UN, left when allowed, and then walked home. Luke plugged his guitar into his bass amp and tuned the pegs down low. He turned up the volume and played long slow chords with a glass slide. He did not hear his neighbors call his mom. He didn’t think anyone could hear his noodling.
        Luke fought with his mom. Luke didn’t make music.
        Luke didn’t realize there was a home game when he arrived at the radio station. Frank asked “Have you seen Tombstone?”
        “No.”
        “Do you know about the gunfight at the O.K. Corral?”
        “No.”
        “Pull up a chair and settle in,” Frank said. They watched the movie. By the time that was over with pauses and bathroom breaks Luke was ending his show. He didn’t care so he picked his last song for himself at the front of the final twenty minutes before autoplay resumed. He chose “Every Day I Write the Book.” Frank said “I love this song. Don’t tell me you don’t know what love is, when you’re old enough to know better. I’m going to go to the bathroom. You can look around my laptop for anything you want to watch. I know I’m the one who showed you 24.”
        Frank was in the bathroom for a long time. Luke didn’t touch the computer. He didn’t want to break something. He had never navigated someone else’s external hard drive and was afraid he’d wipe the files. When Frank returned he asked if Luke liked what he saw. Luke said he didn’t touch the computer. Frank made a face. Luke was fine with 24. They sat next to each other until Luke’s mom came. She was very late. Frank asked Luke if he wanted to choose something when each scene ended.
        Luke fought with his mom about his future. He didn’t go to school for Model UN. Tom Petty came running down a dream and responded to the fill text instantly. He probably got grease in the numpad of his phone. Luke made a half assed suicide attempt. Luke went to a psych ward for eight days. On the fourth the FBI raided the radio station during the school day. They interrupted the manager’s class during a music business lesson. Frank was hanging around for his Friday shift. His laptop was seized. He was arrested. He was charged with manufacture, distribution, and possession of child pornography. Luke received a call in the hospital from the radio station manager. Luke didn’t know why. The students said Luke was the one who predominantly spent time with Frank and alone. The manager asked if Frank did anything of concern. Luke explained that he was made sure to know that police shoot dogs and they might even shoot his dog. The manager asked if they did anything together on the laptop. Luke brought up the police blog, Tombstone, and 24. Luke said he was offered to use the laptop, but he didn’t touch it. The station manager told Luke to work hard on feeling better. Luke got angry.
        The next year Luke received one valentine through the school distribution system. It was from Frank. A white rapper from the radio station paid for it. Luke planned on committing suicide the right way when he got home. In the car he put his entire iPod classic on shuffle and the first song was one he had never heard, “A Better Place, a Better Time” by Streetlight Manifesto.