Ruptures – Theresa Smith
June 9, 2019
You know Popcorn, right? The song. Would you say that, properly speaking, it exists? You would. You would say it exists, and that it’s a song. A song is a piece of music or a fragment of sound. It can be recorded, written down or remembered. It’s usually reproducible, but not always. This particular song – it’s been transcribed, performed, recorded, played, critiqued, referenced. You can buy it on a record, find the sheet music, hear it at a football game. Now, how many bibles are out there? How many churches?
Eddie Van Halen Vs. Oliver Cromwell
Cromwell dissolved Parliament. Eddie broke up Van Halen.
Cromwell had no formal training in military tactics. Eddie had no formal training as a guitar player.
Cromwell ruled as Lord Protector of England from 1653 to 1658. Eddie was voted “Player of the Year” by Guitar Player magazine 5 years in a row.
During the first English Civil War, Cromwell’s troops intercepted a shipment of valuable silver plates en route to the King’s army. While on tour with Journey, Van Halen habitually broke into the band’s dressing room to steal food and liquor.
Eddie learned how to reduce feedback by dipping his pickups in hot paraffin. Cromwell learned to reduce dissent among his troops by arbitrarily executing soldiers.
Eddie discovered he could overdrive his amplifier without overloading the vacuum tubes by using a variable power supply to starve its voltage. During his siege of Ireland, Cromwell realized he could starve the Irish into surrender by strategically cutting off supply routes.
Eddie severed the vibrato bar on his Gibson ES-335 to increase his control over the pitch of the open strings. Oliver Cromwell beheaded King Charles I in order to remove the last barrier between himself and control of the new English Commonwealth.
Dissatisfied with the dysfunctional Rump Parliament, Cromwell built a short-lived Barebones Parliament. Dissatisfied with the limitations of conventional electric guitars, Eddie builds his own instruments by piecing together hardware and electronics from different commercial models.
The Church of Scotland roundly rejected Cromwell’s appeal to withdraw their support for King Charles II. Van Halen were deported from Scotland after causing thousands of dollars’ worth of damage to their hotel during a 6-hour fire extinguisher fight.
In 1649, Cromwell’s troops set fire to the town of Wexford, Ireland. Eddie launched into a surprise version of Jimi Hendrix’s “Fire” at a benefit concert for Toto’s Jeff Porcaro.
Eddie holds his pick between his thumb and middle finger. Cromwell holds the distinction of being the only ruler of England to be disinterred.