Stories

Sandwiches of History – Bailey Diemer

The man began to post videos on the internet of himself eating and reviewing sandwiches he found in historical cookbooks. He ate sandwiches such as; the Shrimp Salad Sandwich (1929), the Almond and Bacon Sandwich (1952), and the Peanut Butter and Onion Sandwich (1939). The man quickly gained a quite a large following. The man began to do historical sandwich reviews three times a day to keep with the demand of his followers. The man ate five hundred and fifty sandwiches in six months. The man continued to mow down sandwiches of history to satisfy the algorithm that rewarded frequent posting. The man’s body began to absorb and retain the sandwiches of history, all five hundred and fifty of them, and they hung off him like curtains. The man’s followers began to make fun of his weight in the comments of his videos. The man developed an anxiety disorder. The man cried into his bedsheets after every video he made. The man made a lot more videos of himself eating historical sandwiches so he could satisfy the uncompassionate algorithm. The man began to develop breathing problems and could no longer take his dog on walks around the neighborhood, or even down the block. The man’s family held an intervention for the man inside a Jimmy John’s. The man’s family told the man he would die a premature death if he didn’t stop reviewing sandwiches he found in historical cookbooks. The man became overwhelmed and fell to his knees, and began to sob uncontrollably on the floor of the Jimmy John’s. The man’s family tried to pull the man up from the ground, but they weren’t strong enough, so the fire department came and put a car jack between the man’s legs. The man went home, pulled every blind in his house, and didn’t post anything on the internet for weeks. The man fell into the deepest, darkest hole he had ever known. The man began to play ping-pong with his life inside his mind. The man’s followers began to worry he had died. The man stayed off the internet until he began to feel safe in the silence of his own mind. The man posted a message to his account that told his followers he was alive and would post again soon. The man began to post videos of himself eating and reviewing historical salads. The man began to lose weight. The man ate three historical salads a day for two years. The man started another new account where he reviewed exercises from around the world. The man kept eating historical salads. The man became the fittest person in his family. The man began to do CrossFit. The man stopped reviewing historical salads and movements from around the world so he could focus on doing CrossFit. The man only occasionally ate a sandwich or a salad.