Shooting Blanks (Not So Super Now) – James Stelzer

For Will Bernardara Jr.


They should let me design a suit for Spider-Man, man. I’m so sure I’d do a stellar job of it. I’d make it using a dark fabric as a base – black denim’s a good shout – and then I’d just have it stained all over, with like, a dull, patchy, yellowish-grey wash. My suit would block out his ability to shoot web somehow, and I’d give it a dumb name like ‘the Mystery Goo Suit’ or something. 


Whenever he wore it out, the general public would be forced to question what they were looking at. To question everything they thought they knew about ‘heroes.’ To entertain their own deviant thoughts. They’d ask themselves whether the ‘Amazing’ Spidey had suffered some sort of mishap with an overflow of (now dried-up) webbing – from a cartridge or similar storage-solution, perhaps? Or had he just been jacking off on the job, accidentally covering himself with a fucktonne of (now crusty, old) spunk in the process? They’d ask all sorts of questions, ordinary and perverse. What’s happened here then? Can Spider-Man… cum? So can he shoot webs from his dick? What *exactly* gets him off?! That sort of thing. 


God, given half the chance I’d make Spider-Man look like such a depraved little freak. That’d make everyone else feel a little better about themselves, for sure. Fuck yeah. They should just let me design his suit, right? Because if they did, I’d do my very best to make that prick look like nothing more than a stupid little pervert, just like the rest of us.