Slave Day – Michael Zunenshine
July 25, 2023
As the summer season nears peak heat-wave temperature of 5 Smiling Sunshines (prev. > 60℃, 140℉), the nation prepares for another annual Slave Day. Since its inception in 2007, coinciding with the first smartphones and the over-jubilant housing market, Slave Day has in these last few decades, quickly become the nation’s favorite public holiday.
But is that sentiment equally shared among all members of the populace, from the property owners to the ever-increasing ranks of people willingly choosing to identify as slaves? And what about those fringe members of society, neither owner nor slave, like police and security guards and jailers, or the writers of popular television programs or academic syllabi or so-called current events, or the pharmaceutical engineers and doctors and door-to-door nursing staff who administer the medicines so beloved by the slave class?
Consensus has always been one of total affirmative uniformity, and indeed, as today’s program will clearly show, it is still the case that we are living in a harmonious state where everyone’s place is a comforting source of identity and provides an existentially fulfilling sense of purpose and placidity.
This year, we’ll be sending several of our correspondents across the nation to attend various Slave Day celebrations and talk to the people about what this holiday means to them.
Our first location is the McDonald’s Soybean Meal Fields Territory which is currently under the command of the Federal Reserve Army. Here, slaves are engaged in more traditional activities, which is one of the appeals for those with a strong backbone and a back-to-the-land boot-strapping attitude. While people are known to come here from every corner of the nation, the majority of the MSMFT slaves have backgrounds in the arts, letters and sciences, but for one reason or another, could never produce anything of interest-bearing-value, or could never quite get along with their colleagues and superiors.
Regardless of those missteps in early life, the slaves here are said to be some of the strongest and most suntanned slaves in the nation.
Around midnight, all the slaves here are gathered into the industrial hall which has been decorated for the occasion with colorful streamers and signs bearing slogans like, “Thank You!” and “You’ll Always Be In Our Hearts and Sights!”
Each has been assigned a cozy space on the long narrow metal benches facing the glorious Wall of A Thousand Screens where a famous presenter will deliver the Address of Gratitude before excitedly telling the slaves to “look under your seats for a big surprise.”
We later interviewed some slaves to see what gifts they’d received.
“I got new grip tape to wrap around the handle of my pickaxe,” beamed one slave who had come here after its procreating-pair joined The Great Disappearance of 2039.
“What do you plan to do with it?” we asked.
“Oh the possibilities are endless. First of all, I got these infected calluses on my hands — not that I am complaining. What I mean to say is, I have so many ideas for taping, binding, gagging and other home decoration projects for pursuing around the barracks.”
“Thank you for your time, and happy Slave Day.”
Over in New Saint Gumarra, one of the nation’s most exciting and bustling mega-metropoles with a population of around 250 million units, our correspondent is attending Slave Day at the Maidanick Data Logistics, Surveillance and Leisure-Service Headquarters, which occupies the top 50 floors of downtown’s famous 300-story Freedom Fun Flak Tower.
For today’s occasion, the the MDLSLSHQ’s wide open office space with bean bag furniture and robot coffee stewards has been beautified with wall-to-wall hand paintings drawn by the very issues of the slave community employed here.
“It’s a nice reminder of the continuity of things,” says the slave CCIPPO, one of the many chief upper-level slave executives in charge of Community Initiatives and Party Planning. “Our slaves obviously don’t have the time, energy, or dare I even say, desire to know their issues. I mean, each one is required to produce so many that it would be exhaustingly unfair to expect them to maintain any real relationship with them.”
“Interesting, do go on.”
“The hand paintings are a nice reminder, though, that each issue is being taken care of and still has all their limbs in perfect-enough functioning order. After all, they wouldn’t benefit the nation much otherwise.”
“So true, so true.”
Later there will be ceremonious dancing and mating, but for now, the slaves are all enjoying themselves engaged in a frantic scavenger hunt for their Slave Day presents.
“What are you hoping to find?” we asked a slave who is celebrating its 128th annual Slave Day at the MDLSLSHQ.
“I don’t want to get my hopes up too much,” it answers through a mouthful of meal cake, “but I hear there are some mobile device operating system upgrades hidden about that I’d love to get my hands on.”
“I heard that too,” interjects another slave who already seems a bit tipsy on the company fermented grub juice. “I hear the upgrade has a new camera feature that can not only track your eye line direction and record everything you see, but can also project feeds right onto your retinas.”
“I heard the upgrade has a new virtual charging mechanism that gets its power from emotional energy, like depression, anxiety, panic or HAIDS.”
“HAIDS stands for hyper-assured-identity-syndrome, and has been known to be one of the leading causes of slave productivity degradation,” according to another the slave chief executive. “So it’s a win-win for all, which, conveniently, is one of our many mottos here, along with no plate is too big and keep your eye on the needle.”
“Thank you for your time, and happy Slave Day.”
If all we’ve shown here doesn’t dispel any uncertainty as to the total conformity of positive attitudes toward Slave Day, then please file a report with the Bureau of Diversion, Exception and Disclusion. Active two-way links to the B-DED are embedded with the program’s PR feed.
Well, looks like that wraps up another successful annual Slave Day across our great nation. We’ll see you next Slave Day in one NCY (or New-Calendar Year’s time of 1,003 days). Until then, remember our motto: We’re all in this together.