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The Foreigner’s Guide to America – Osbie Feel

Austin, Texas 

America’s secondary San Francisco resides in the Great State of Texas, and has approximately 0.004 more firearms per capita because of the State’s lackadaisical attitudes towards gun regulation.

The rate of firearm death remains constant, however. This fact, as well as the amount of Trump supporting lesbian couples that populate this wilderness of idealism, perplexes our research team to this day.

There is a yearly music festival, held for industry types, that has been overrun by midwest hipsters that are not quite ambitious enough to move to California. This is likely due to the lack of overt racism on the West Coast, which tends to make those not from there homesick. 

Any and all who are interested in “making it” in the music industry need not apply; unlike Los Angeles, the mandatory sexual favors provided on part of the performer are unable to be repaid by the charlatans who masquerade as agents in this barbecue tinged brothel.

Good points: Hilarious headwear.

Proper forms of address: Best avoided.

 

Massachusetts 

Massachusetts was originally colonized by a group of dull English puritans whose custom it was to marry their own daughters, but this group was later driven out by hordes of barbarian Irish who still hold claim over the land today. Though of Irish blood, the native tongue of their ancestry has since far degraded into a series of pejoratives which are repeated ad nauseam. One must interpret this orientalized-Irish “language” purely by gut instinct, as true fluency can only be achieved when one has developed a physical dependence on prescription drugs, preferably by the age of nine.

Despite the reputation of the locals, Massachusetts is nonetheless home to some of America’s top ranking Universities, all of which prohibit their admission. During the Theater run of Good Will Hunting, the capital city of Boston rioted in order to have the film banned. This is because the movie portrays a Boston native as being capable of learning Mathematics, a trait the locals closely associate with homosexuality. This is a great heresy to the Bostonian, who considers the practice sacred and only to be performed in one of the numerous Catholic Churches that dot their cityscape like the freckles on their ugly children’s faces. A cityscape which, thanks to America’s far-sighted Founding Fathers, is laid out in such a labyrinthian manner so as to prevent the Bostonian being able to leave, while those not from here may come and go as they wish.

Good points: Charming attempts at organized crime. 

Proper forms of address: Retard, Faggot.

 

Indiana

Imagine Nebraska without tornadoes: this is Indiana. Imagine Florida, with its mosquitoes, dull retirees and all, but minus the coasts: this is also Indiana. Imagine a citizen from Alabama, but without that charming accent that makes hearing a racial slur such a delight to the ear. These, as well as 47 other comparisons that I will leave to the reader’s imagination, are what exemplify America’s least exceptional state, as well as its citizens.

The locals refer to themselves as Hoosiers, but are far too inebriated on Old Style lager to remember the origins of term. Their banal conversation can make even the humblest Southerner appear quite Cosmopolitan in comparison: they discuss the weather as an actual point of interest. They detest Hispanics, even moreso than the Floridians or the Texans, due to their homeland’s distance from Mexico, Cuba, and the like. The Jingoistic nature of the Hoosier can be seen in their method for keeping out foreigners, which, elaborated below, is actually quite clever, and was very successful up until recent times.

No walls exist on their borders despite what their recent voting record might tell you. In fact, the state is remarkably open. The meager amount of checkpoints present can be passed through for a paltry sum, and one can avoid those still by following the numerous 18 wheel vehicles that are given free passage at all times on Indiana’s roads. Hoosiers consider these carbon spewing monstrosities to be the reincarnation of their dead ancestors. 

It is theorized that, outside of space for farming corn, the rest of the land is reserved for Highway. It is prophesied by their priests that one day the entire region will be paved asphalt, hopefully sooner than later. Many drive through here, between Ohio and Illinois, or between Kentucky and Michigan, or any combination of the four, without realizing that they passed through a “place” at all. This did quite well for keeping out immigrants until the invention of modern GPS, much to the Hoosier’s dismay. Still, precisely what culture they are trying to preserve remains a mystery to the rest of the nation.

Once per year many make pilgrimage to a motorcar race known as the Indianapolis 500. In this contest, motorists are forced to turn left until, one by one, they fall asleep at the wheel and crash their vehicle into the stands, typically killing hundreds of bystanders in a spectacular explosion. All cheer, as it is considered a great honor among Hoosiers to die in this manner, and the most violent of these wrecks are commemorated as religious holidays. The contest ends thus: after the penultimate death, the winner is declared and immediately rewarded with three trailer-wives and one case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which to them is considered a delicacy.

Good points: Easy to beat at basketball. 

Proper forms of address: Grand Wizard.