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The Foreigner’s Guide to America – Osbie Feel

California

The Californian is much more attractive in physical appearance than the many other subgroups that populate this inbred-yet-diverse nation. One need not wonder why the majority of this state’s citizens prefer to act out the achievements of their superiors rather than accomplishing anything of note themselves: their beauty makes their lives far too easy, and prevents them from any true inner drive.

Shallow, gullible, and liberal without any justification, the Californian mind moves from trend-to-trend, Gluten-Free-Diet to Different-Type-Of-Gluten-Free-Diet, Anti-Vaccination to Anti-Medicine, Reaction to Further-Reaction. They will likely be promoting the holistic health benefits of injected Fentanyl by the end of the decade.

All achievements of Californian cinema can be attributed to a few lecherous Israelis, recruited by the CIA, in order to guide those ill-conceived films into something less embarrassing for the rest of America. Every year they gather, dressed in morally objectionable fashion-ware, in order to congratulate themselves on solving World Hunger, Global Warming, and Every Single Problem in Africa via some stupid film made for IMAX that was identical to the previous year’s effort. The ritual is complete after they present each other with the Platonic ideal of seeming-and-not-being, The Oscar. 

Good Points: Easy to lie to.

Proper forms of address: They, Them.

 

Florida

Much akin to Australia, except with far more mosquitoes. Florida is the land in which Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia banish those whom even they find to be too disfigured (similar to the Spartans of yore). Florida has been undergoing a slow but steady invasion of Cubans since its inception, much to the improvement of the state’s English Literacy SAT scores.

They feed Hispanics to alligators, and feed those alligators to native crocodiles, which are then consumed by the few African Saltwater Crocodiles of whom ICE has yet to deport. Such is the cycle of life. 

More of a failed ecological experiment than sovereign body, they are currently running low on clean drinking water despite being pelted with a lifetime’s supply every Autumn. Many natives choose to remain in their reinforced, ground-level shacks during the hurricane season, much to the amusement of Yankee northerners and the world in general.

Best avoided at all costs, outside of a few theme parks owned by “former” Nazi’s, such as Disney World and NASA.

Good points: Successfully faked the moon landing.

Proper Forms of Address: Rhesus, Alligator, Alligator-Gar.

 

Nevada

The more civilized parts of this territory of Cain have managed to fall into the same decadence that characterizes those desert dwelling demi-Jews, the Saudi’s, and has done so whilst producing nothing of any practical use.

Nevada is highly insulated, and appears to be run by a combination of Italian and Jewish Mafioso’s who have yet to get word from the North that it is now illegal to force negroes to fight to the death, and that it has been so since 1954. All other capital is gained through usury: mainly from single mothers, drunken veterans, and the elderly. 

A land of sin, murder, and human trafficking: it is a highly prized destination for all Americans wishing to revel in their more base instincts before returning home shamefaced, in-debt, and riddled with potent strains of HIV.

Good points: Prostitution is legal.

Proper Forms of Address: Sir, Wait-Sir, Sorry-Sir-I-Didn’t-Mean-Nothin’-By-It

 

New York City 

By far America’s worst smelling location, the average New Yorker is a waifish, flat-affect, perpetually drunk buffoon that lives with thirty odd roommates, packed together like rats in a studio apartment, which is rent controlled at $700,000 a week. The rest of them wander the streets homeless, deriving nutrition from a cocktail of MD-2020, huffed sewer-fumes, and fat scavenged off murdered Midwestern tourists. 

There is much difficulty in telling the affluent apart from the poverty-stricken in this modern day Babel, as it has become fashionable among the wealthy to dress as if they shit in the street, which they probably do anyway. Small shops called Bodegas are a hallmark of its many street corners, and it is there one can be served that quintessential NYC dish: rodent droppings stir-fried in migrant vomit.

A current haven for Semitic banking types, it is the birthplace of the Great Depression and every other ensuing financial crisis, local and global. The citizens of this wicked concrete jungle pay for the crimes of their ancestors with bitter winds in the colder seasons, and the stench of rotting vagrants during the warmer months. Occasionally, a hurricane will flood their capital city’s decrepit underground train system, which helps to control the city’s rat, homeless, and craft cocktail bartender populations.

Good points: Functions as a lightning-rod for the rest of the America in case of nuclear war.

Proper forms of address: Sewer-Sir, Sewer-Madame

 

The South

Regarded as several individual sovereign bodies by those native to this treasonous little corner of America, The South is famous for slavery, fried chicken, and losing a war against a bunch of Yankee queers in a half-hearted attempt at defending their “State’s Rights”.

They’re rumored to practice barbaric forms of Christianity whose rituals involve sexual intercourse with venomous snakes, stoning negroes that can do basic arithmetic (in order to gain their knowledge), and allowing pagan deities of unknown origin to possess their congregations in a sort of practiced mass hysteria. It should be noted that not one of these institutions is accredited by any Protestant or Catholic denomination of note.

Good points: Cheap whiskey.

Proper forms of address: Honey, Ya’ll, Sweetheart, Bless-Your-Heart, Do-You-Have-Any-Oxy