The Metamorphosis of Porno Jon – Gwil James Thomas

November 22, 2018

It was clear that none of the teachers
wanted the undesirable job
of teaching a sex education lesson
to a room of fourteen year olds –
but inevitably one of them had to get
the short straw.

Subsequently, there weren’t many
sex education classes in our school –
but I do remember one lesson with
Ms Taylor –
she was a strong charismatic woman
with Nigerian roots, from East London
and was obsessed with Frida Kahlo –
she was different from the rest
of the people there, just like me.

She must have only been in
her early twenties, but at fourteen it felt
like she was much older –
I may have even had a crush on her
I can’t remember…

The previous sex education class
had been taught by our PE teacher,
Mr Jones –
who’d squeamishly handed out
information sheets
and threatened a week’s detention
for anyone that laughed.

My classmate Porno Jon had an
insatiable obsession with pornography.

I was young with stupid ideas and shit,
but after that class with Mr Jones
Porno Jon had assured me that
Mr Jones’ class had been for amateurs!

However, with Ms Taylor holding court
it was clear that Porno Jon wasn’t
so confident –
smartly, Ms Taylor spent the first
twenty minutes sketching large
reproductive organs
on the whiteboard, which killed time
and eventually the laughter.

A huge image of a lifelike cock
arrived first and she even gave the thing
shading along with blue throbbing veins,
using the ocean blue marker pen –
before she discussed it for a while and
wiped the board.

Next came the vagina –
she drew this image equally as large
and detailed, this time deciding to use
the black marker pen to create some
surrounding pubic hair.

In turn, she then discussed the intricacies
of this reproductive system –
as the image suddenly felt more like a
complex and confusing geography map.

Suddenly, Porno Jon went a fresh shade
of white and passed out on the floor.

He was promptly woken up and rushed
off to reception –
missing the rest of the class.

Porn is sex, but sex is not porn.

The realities of Porno Jon’s world had
just come crashing down like
a doomed zeppelin.

For the next two years of school –
Porno Jon went strangely quiet.

I heard that Porno Jon went on
to have a pretty normal life –
he found a trade, got married
and most notably had a child –
so something must have sunk in
during that lesson.

But that was a lifetime ago and
we were mere pups.

It’s probably been a long time since
Porno Jon’s even heard that name –
thinking that it had escaped him,
until possibly
just
now.