the shock vortex – Jonathan Hine
June 6, 2020
she was the passive carrier of my projections, as if possessed by them. she fed my dreams and strove to become their embodiment until i was completely depersonalized into the total absorption of her allure. she converted my past into the experienced present and allowed me to revisit an unspeakable wound that was pulled into her orbit, provoking a sense of retroactive control that somehow seemed to teeter on the edge of oblivion. yet i really didn’t experience anything at all, but since she seemed to appear in simultaneous points of linear time, i must try to understand from that level. so strong is my belief in this spectral representation that in the end the belief is lost. it’s the depth of the dream that makes me believe in some exceptional situation where trauma and fascination are inextricably intertwined. and at times i’m tired of the whole thing; i want it over. i’ve had enough of the unspeakable, the un-integratable. yet she won’t be consigned to oblivion and must be engaged with, even after her continued affirmations that she is no longer real.