this true love that waits at the end of despair – Bobbi Lurie

June 29, 2020

I gave myself up so completely,
a child
I forgot I was a corpse.

I’m 20 years old now
I did the jump in the abyss
a few times and felt alive,

I felt this true love that waits
at the end
of despair.

I am thankful I experienced what it is to be human
for
a few minutes.

Now I am divided
by the desire of either
comfort

or pain.
Being
myself is always pain, a pain that I completely split up into grotesque life.

Now I neither want to split off
nor can I
bear it.

Insomnia and despair has exhausted me,
my skinny body is cramped like a skeleton
trying to hide from the storm.

If I try to relax, my heart rages,
fear throws me down.
I am ashamed of

suicide but this
condition is not bearable
any longer,

within months I would enter real psychosis
and may be lost
in dependence forever.

Now is the time
I make
a rational decision.

There is no one who will grieve for me, ’cause no one ever saw
my face.
Despite one girl, one glimpse, I smiled.

The only time I smiled in my life.
I never managed before or after
to truly smile.

We are born into a dust cloud
within a chaotic universe. There is dignity of life
but society has no dignity.

Suicide is no sin but a mistake,
I know it is an error,
a paradox.

But if I cannot love anyone well enough,
I will also not hurt them.
I go

before madness takes me over.
I believe we will be reborn
and come back with new strength.

This gives me hope.
I’m sad to leave this world for
I love the sunrise.