To (deleted) – Meeah Williams

March 3, 2019

I’m living in my private, my privates, I’m living in a hedge.
I’m a hedgehog.
I’m a head with an aquarium in it. The sound of my own heartbeat is the sound of the beating of a dogman under the wood floors.
Will you beat me?
Are you a member of the perpetual flying club?
Is there a doorway back there, where does that staircase lead to?
How does a warlock differ from being a flea?
I’m a toad swimming in your oatmeal.
You have to know by now that it won’t work out, that my kitchen cabinets are full of dread and the wrapping paper won’t cover that awful machine. My dear, we have brought it as far as it can humanly go, the meat is crawling along the sidewalk and the children surround it with sticks and rocks, they are stoning it to death darling and I can’t bear to watch its agonized eyes rolling back and its little white teeth bared.
She was already drowned in the pool when I return from buying the bread. I could do nothing but stand there and scream. Daddy? No—I won’t drag him into this again. You know and I know what he did in that closet, where he put his things, that suitcase no one mentioned.
I’m not going to answer you anymore or if I answer you I’ll do so only as briefly as possible.
Carpentry is not for those who want to break out of their ribcage. I’m living in a birdhouse. I’m living in a hive.
I want to you drive up in a small red sportscar.
I want you to remove your penis.
I want you to shove it in my mouth.
I want your gun in my side.
I want to be gagged across seven states.
I want to be running wild in the desert with the electric blue tumbleweeds.
Just say the word and we’ll go.

I was dead. I was visiting my tombstone in that graveyard where we used to ride our bicycles. I was lying there in the tall grass, among the white butterflies.
I’m your not-niece.
It’s not against the natural law, God’s law, you said and you were right, I didn’t just believe you, I worshiped you, I invited you, I invented you.
You were putting dandelions between my toes.
You were holding my wrists to the pulse of the earth.
You said I was Your Lady of the Worms.
You said you wouldn’t let me die without you.
You kissed me and your mouth tasted like blood, I called it wine, I tried to think of it as wine, but it was blood, and I know it and I want you to know it.
I know who’s the blood it was, too, you bastard.
You lied but your lies tasted good, your lies intoxicated me, even your lies were lies but I loved the taste of them.
Your teeth are in my pocket right now.
I take them out and line them up on the table from smallest to biggest to smallest again.
I have your whole mouth laid out in front of me, your worst bite ever.
I want you inside me.
I want you wearing me, walking around in me, like I’m your costume.
I want you to commit the most heinous crimes imaginable disguised as me.
You are a stuffed wolf in my Museum of Unnatural History.
I want you to eat me, eat me whole, devour me and shit me out of your asshole and bury the shit that used to be me with your back paws.
Just say the word and we’ll go.

It’s all over, it’s never over, it hasn’t even begun.
You are the only one who can tell me how many times I can die. I want to die a lot of times, more times than anyone has ever died, I wanted to die all the deaths anyone has ever died.
If I have one regret, one thing I hold against you, it’s that you didn’t kill me enough.
There are so many more of me than you thought, so many more of me to kill, why did you leave so many of me alive? You disappointed me. You failed me. You took advantage of me but you didn’t take enough.
I’m escaping in spite of myself, look at me running off with one handcuff dangling free.
Where are you now, my John Wayne Gacy, my Patrick Batemen, my Ted Bundy?
Where is my Jack the Ripper now?
I’m waiting for you, my Mickey Knox.
How can you stand to see me getting away?
You didn’t bury me alive deeply enough.
Kiss me, my mouth isn’t full of maggots, it’s alive.
Let’s shoot up a diner.
Let’s hijack a tractor trailer.
Let’s break through a police barricade.
There’s still time, there’s still an awful lot of awful left.
I have dreams. I see visions. I have a taste in my mouth I want to lick onto your tongue. I want you to eat the tongue out of my head. I want you to see the things I see without me having to tell you.
Baby, I want to lie dead, lost in a galaxy of shattered glass, a naked astronaut on the asphalt.
Let’s go look for some cops.
Let’s shout Fuck You with both guns blazing.
Carry me, when the sun has set, my body broken, into the sea.
I want to be disappear under the black salt water, a starfish suckered to my face in one last kiss, drinking up my last vicious breath.
I want to see your face as I give it my life, the one life I didn’t give you.
I want to see your cock in your hand as I die.
I want you to come on my watery, unfocussed face.
I want you to come on me when I’m already out of reach.
And I want you to know I’m laughing at you.

Baby, just say the word.
Just say the word and we’re already gone.