Untitled – Conrad Walsh

October 3, 2025

“Card playing and all other games of chance should be avoided as the gate of destruction,” said Brigham Young, the prophet.
I tell you this to help you understand the long pause on the other end of the phone call with my dad. I had just told him that I was moving my family of six to Las Vegas to work for a company that manufactures slot machines.
Pause (approximately five full seconds).
“Really,” (said as a statement, not as a question.)
“Yes, I start in a couple of months.”
“Is that right,” (again as a statement, not a question).
“Yeah.”
I had similar conversations with other family, friends, and neighbors.
Always with the pausing and the non-question questions.
Well, what else was I supposed to do? Stay poor and add more creases to my forehead?
My therapist told me about some motherfucker named Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. This guy came up with a psychological theory about human motivation. It goes like this:

5 Levels of Human Motivation

1. Physiological Needs (food, water, air, sleep, shelter).
2. You know what, I’m going to stop right there…

Food:
I’m buying milk, eggs, formula, and Diet Coke using food stamps, and that’s why I’m moving to sell slot machines. (Food Stamp People need Diet Coke, too. They need it more than Non-Food-Stamp People–stop looking at me like that.)

Water:
My water heater is broken, and I’m watching a YouTube video to learn how to fix it, hoping I don’t blow it up, because I can’t afford to pay someone to fix it. And that’s why I’m moving to Vegas to sell slot machines.

Air:
I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, and that’s why I’m moving to Vegas to sell slot machines.

Sleep:
I can’t sleep at night because my heart is beating like double bass drums from an angsty speed-metal band, and that’s why I’m moving to Vegas to sell slot machines.

Shelter:
All the equity in my house is gone, and I’m crushed by debt, and I’m in The Upside Down, and that’s why…

If all games of chance should be avoided, then I’d be gone already.

I’ll bet Brigham and Maslow slept like babies.